I should probably attend an AA meeting. Not should, but I need to. My dad has been sober for 15 plus years. I know all of his sober friends and have been to lots of meetings with him to see him take tokens, etc. We live in the same part of a city. I don’t want to go to an AA meeting and run into any of them. This would genuinely break my dad’s heart and probably his friends’ as they treat me like a daughter. Yes, I’m sure he’d be happy to know I was trying to find help, but I don’t want him to find out either way. This is something that is stopping me from attending any meeting whatsoever, so is non-negotiable in my mind. Are there alternatives?
Why exactly do you not want him to know you’re trying to get sober? What’s to fear? He’s got 15 years, works a program and knows what it’s like to have the problem of drink.
why not just find some meetings outside your local area?
I can’t read minds, but when I say something like that, “I don’t want so and so to find out I have a problem” it is usually because I feel like I may be letting someone down. I have built up this fascade of un-broken ness that they see and I have this shattered inside no one can see. Truth is, I’m only letting someone down when I’m hiding my brokenness. More truth is, most people, especially those in recovery, see right through my lies and know that I am broken and hiding something. When I seek help they welcome me with open arms.
This. Then this again. Multiplied by this.
Good post.
Hehe. I’ve been around the rooms for a bit. And I’ll tell you one thing that would never in a million years break any of our hearts is seeing someone we know. So please don’t let that be a reason you don’t go. Those people will not be anything but happy to see you getting help. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of and they understand that
I get it if you wanted to keep it from your dad. That’s a whole nother issue that you will figure out in time. These things have a way of working themselves out
I guess I don’t want him to ever feel like this problem was genetic or may have been ‘encouraged’ due to DNA. I’m best friends with my dad and it would break my heart for him to feel any of those things.
Well if he’s a good member of AA he will be nothing but help. You can’t make people want sobriety, they have to want it. He may already know the problem exists but the program is built on attraction no promotion.
I don’t think you have anything to lose and everything to gain, but that’s purely my thought
Welcome @Sunvsmoon, I suspect that your dad may already know you are struggling with alcohol. Once i worked a program, AA, in my case, and got sober it has been very easy to “see” another person’s addiction. He may not know but I do believe he would be happy to see you getting the help you deserve. He has been in your shoes and understands the struggles you are facing. Whatever you decide, I support you and believe in you.
If I have learned anything in the rooms, so to speak, it is that I cannot control anyone but me. That includes feelings. I tried for so long to fix other people’s feelings (I still do) try to keep them from being hurt and turns out I was simply deluding myself. I call it codependency. Just another tentacle to wrestle with in my getting better every day. Now I know I cannot change how people feel, think, act. I HAVE to do what is good for me and be myself and let others feel their feelings. It’s scary as shit! Haha
Hey @Sunvsmoon I’ve walked in your shoes. My dad’s an alcoholic too. He’ll have 49 years this year. I grew up going to Alateen & waiting for his home group meetings held at our house to end, so I could sneak a donut. I knew all his buddies. And they knew me. When it came time for me to go to a meeting…not only was he proud, it was a non-issue all the way around regarding his friends. Almost instantly the mental shift was made by everyone (myself included) and I was just another alcoholic sitting at the table. Talk to your dad about this. It is all too common to have family members struggle with addiction…to have a family member seeking help & embracing sobriety is a source of pride, not shame or embarrassment
I was gonna to say something but I just read the responses and they covered everything. My roommate comes from an AA family. Currently 51 of his family members are in the program (Irish, Catholic, drunk, and no contraceptives)
Thank to everyone for your replies. I have read and reread them, really trying to view this from a different perspective and it’s given me something to think about. I’ve been a lurker on the board for awhile, and think it’s time to start posting more because you all are very supportive and have great viewpoints that in my current state, I just can’t see by myself. I think I’ll go ahead and start utilizing the daily check-in too! I need something to hold myself accountable. So, here goes Day 1…
Look at you! Stepping out of your comfort zone ~ Love it! Great decision & looking forward to seeing your posts
Yay for day 1!!! If your dad is your best friend, he may already know this is coming and wanted you to discover the path for yourself instead of pushing what worked for him on you. But, if it worked for him, there is no one better than your current crew to help you thru this, they’ve held your hand before, let them do it now when you need it most.
I’ve been in the same situation as u thinking I dont want my parents to know… well my mom anyway, dad and I have spent almost 2 decades as codependent junkies/alcoholics. But that was my mantra too, mom cant find out I’m an addict, itll break her heart after everything shes been through with dad. Let me tell you what that really is, that’s the addiction sneakily playing on your conscience for it’s own benefit…“we cant let down so and so because it will hurt them” no, we cant let so and so find out because if they know then theres one more source of pressure or inspiration to stay sober, it’s harder to hide a relapse or continued bad behavior from someone who knows about our problem.
The best thing I ever did for myself was sit down with my mom and brother (hes a cop lol) and put it all on the table. Check that, I didnt sit down so much as I ran to them crying like a 5 year old who just fell off his bike and I’ll say it again, it’s the best thing I ever did for my sobriety. I found out that shes an alcoholic herself, she stopped b4 I was born and has been sober for the last 36 years, shes become my biggest inspiration to stay sober. I called her the other night when I had a particularly bad craving hit and she told me about how she went to a Christmas dinner at an upscale restaurant with her boss and a few other lawyers. They served a rum cake for dessert at the end of the meal and she said it almost drove her to the liquor store when they left after 30+ years sober, hearing that made me feel a lot better about my problem that night.
Yeah, ur dad might have that momentary pang and the thought “what could I have done different to prevent this?” I certainly saw it on moms face, but it really was just for a moment because she, just like ur dad, knows the answer to that question is “nothing”. Addiction takes the vulnerable when it gets its opportunity, doesn’t matter if you live in section 8 housing or a gated community, whether ur parents coddled you or beat u every chance they got. Your dad and his friends have been in the program long enough to know all that and to have worked all the steps. I would imagine nothing would make him happier than being able to practice that last step with his own daughter and the same goes for his friends. You have an arsenal of information and advice available to you from veterans in the fight who already love you, dont let the addiction keep it at arms length from you, count your blessings for having such tremendous luck and use it to your advantage!