So I was sober for almost two months, after rehab. I broke over the weekend and went back to thoughts of not wanting to be here and just how much more I love drinking than life itself.
Unsure what to do, but I’m in the hospital right now. I really hate my decision making but I’m hating life itself more than anything.
What did you get admitted to the hospital for?
Sounds like the hospital is a good place to be right now. I am sorry you are hurting.
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You might be going through some shitty shit brother, but nothing is as final as the end. Anything is better than being dead. It may not feel that way some days, but it is. Nothing is worth more than your life.
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The essential paradox of addiction is that it brings us a sense of ease and comfort, but the more we do it, the more miserable we become. It makes us feel alive but deadens us and kills all joy. It makes us feel strong but ultimately reveals how weak we truly are. Without it, we are miserable. With it we are even more miserable. Trying to break free of it alone can be a maddening experience that brings us to the brink. I know. I have been there. Today, I realize that while in my addiction, I wanted to die because I was essentially already dead inside. Through the 12 steps, I am starting to see that life has a lot more to offer than my addiction ever did. Don’t lose hope. And don’t give up on you. You are not alone.
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Man, the hospital absolutely saved my life! Are you in a dual diognosis ward? For me, being mostly cut off from the world for 10 days was exactly what I needed. Not having to worry about texts and phone calls and work and, well, everything, helped me have the space to start getting better. Try to use this time to your benefit. All you have to do is exist. It can seem like a shitty place to be but it could be your saving grace. Forward steps brother, not backwards. There is ZERO shame in being there. Everyone in my life (family, friends, acquaintances) knows about my 2 stints in the hospital. I make no secret of it and constantly talk about the amazing things those times allowed me.
Keep your head up man! This could save your life!
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Hey Jacob hope all is ok. Please dont leave us hanging on what happened. We’re all here for you. Even if you think we are just “a bunch of people on the internet.”
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