I had a pretty dark day yesterday. Ive been drinking at work, hiding drinks from my wife. Last night I conpletely blacked out while cooking dinner. I dont remember the conversation about what I was going to make. Hardly know how I managed to get everything plated. I just completely didnt cook half of dinner cause I was too messed up to remember what my wife asked for. Everything is mostly a blur until I confessed to her that I am an alcoholic, ive been sneaking and hiding drinks from her, ive been smoking pot in the mornings. I dont feel good having lied to her. I dont feel good about myself or my choices. Also my body is screaming at me for not eating or drinking anything of substance yesterday.
Time to make a turn around. I did 30 days sober back in May. It was surprisingly easy to not drink. Just as surprising for how much I started at it again. And never have I drank at work. This is a new development and something I would like to stop. It starts today. Currently less than 12 hours sober.
Blackouts are the worst so I understand how shitty you must be feeling right now. Use this experience to strengthen your conviction in your sobriety. It can only get better. I myself came back yesterday after a binge. We can do this
Better make sure that’s the last day you pick up then bc trust me you’ll be surprised how much worse it can get before you reach the place where it only gets better.
i know how you feel. in fact, I’m right there with you right now.
I’m on day 4 without my narcotic of choice, 3 days without alcohol (i admit I am still smoking pot – too much. I’m aware of it and plan to taper down… )…
and i have been struggling.
feeling like crawling out of my skin; mood swings i can’t control or even understand; SO MUCH ANGER (and majority of it is at myself); shame; DTs; night sweats, insomnia!!! (I’ve been awake for about 43 hours at the moment – without stimulants).
withdrawal is a damn bitch.
but i also have had more happy moments in the last few days with my partner (also an alcoholic/addict, detoxing with me right now); I wrote a gratitude list yesterday for the first time in a very long time; I got things accomplished around the house yesterday and this morning that I normally can’t manage when I’m wasted…
my point is:
getting sober is one of the hardest things an alcoholic/addict can do.
but you gotta get through the bad to get to the better (once acute withdrawal subsides).
and it does get better!
you will sleep better; eat better; have the ability to actually be present with your loved ones; to actually be present in your own life!
please, take it from someone who joined the NA program in 2016 – take it from a chronic relapser:
every relapse gets worse, especially once you have found a real desire for recovery (getting high is never the same when your drug/drink has been cut by recovery; SHAME is a big one I experience); every time detoxing is harder and harder…
but i swear to you that the best moments I have experienced have been while i was sober;
i keep coming back because my worst day sober REALLY is still better than my “best” day using.
yes, these are recovery slogans.
they put some people off, totally get it.
but being a part of a community of recovery is truly priceless.
YOU can do this, DarkStar!
i believe in you. and i am proud of you.
I prefer to think of them as facts. I’ve spent years hearing the same old words, turns out these people know what they’re talking about , I’ll have some of that
On day 4 here. Sneaking and blacking out. Did 59 days last year and thought wine with dinner wouldn’t hurt. Here I am after almost of a year drinking blacking out and falling down. Get to a meeting and listen. You can never have a drink again.
Good luck. Do this for yourself.
A bad binge during a camping trip. Throwing stuff at my wife, jumping out of moving cars, etc.
Prompted a 30 day no substance, which I managed no problem. Drinking slowly crept back day by day
You need to make a plan. I always say, we don’t drink normal. Therefore, you can’t quit normal. Reach out if you need some ideas to map out your sobriety journey and what’s best for your lifestyle. Hugs and I’m glad you made the decision to move in the right direction Hugs!
Hey Robert, I’m glad you found this forum! Stick around and join in any topic or start one if you want. There’s a lot of great people, knowledge and suggestions.
hi, robert! wow, it must have felt like a major load off your back to come clean with your partner. you’re pretty lucky you didn’t injure yourself with a knife or the burner on the stove! i once drunkenly tried to take the pit out of an avocado and the knife was very sharp - it went straight through the pit, avo and right into my hand.
it might have been easier to get through 30 days bc the destination was in sight. with continuous sobriety, we don’t focus on the destination but the journey. we should really do that with most everything in our life, tbh. i hope you stay engaged on here and become a friend (easy to do on TS!). there are so many resources and you’ve done the really hard initial bit - come clean to your family. anyways, i wish you the best on this, ehem… journey. it’s so worth the up’s and down’s that inevitably come. hugs!
I told my ex when he offered and swore up and down he would get clean with me – i told him not to say that; it won’t work like that…
it didn’t.
he was drunk the morning i got out of detox 5 days later.
YOU CAN have a desire to stop drinking/using,
and still go out and pick up:
it’s that regret and shame we feel when we do,
that tells us that we are on our way to being done.
sobriety is not a straight path;
relapse does not have to be a part of recovery
but it IS part of the disease of addiction.
i have the desire,
yet i fell down tonight.
but i will keep coming back and keep trying,
so long as i breathe.
that’s what desire is.
I’m rooting for you, @Dolse71
you are not alone.
i need you here.
and i thank you all for being here with me.
hope everyone had a safe weekend.
happy thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians
)…
, I’ll have some of that 
Hugs!