I mostly wanted to create a thread where I could check in on a semi-regular basis and write out what’s happening with life and sobriety. A thread where I have my personal posts all in one place. A journal that’s specifically about alcohol recovery and something that’s interactive, as well. I write a lot in my personal journal, but having an outlet where I can receive responses to some of it, I think is also beneficial.
I’m back to 5 days of sobriety. I’ve been all over the place with my approaches and I can’t seem to find what works. Well more accurately, I don’t utilize and access what works, when the urges are running high. I’ve yet to be able to find a voice of reason when my emotions are peaking and topped out. When I say emotions, I pretty much mean anger and an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Those are my only two real triggers. I don’t miss partying. I don’t get triggered by seeing other people drink. I get triggered by overwhelming feelings and a need to run and hide from them and life. A need to check out mentally, emotionally, and physically. Every single time I drink now, it’s a multi-day or even multi-week long bender. I become suicidal every time.
I’ve found some programs that have really helped me in the past, such as AA or Recovery Dharma, but there still seems to come a time, when my emotions overrun my logical brain. I’m thinking a component of mental health also needs to be addressed. It’s not always a choice of just simply being strong enough, or having enough will power, or asking God for help. For me, It seems bigger than that, but at least I’m now recognizing it and know I need additional professional help with regulating my moods. I’ve been diagnosed as bipolar a couple of times in the past, but I didn’t really take the diagnosis to heart. I thought it was just easy for them to assess me as bipolar and give me some pills. I’m going to investigate the whole mental health aspect a lot more. Not currently having insurance, I’m not really sure what’s available, but I’ll be looking into it.
I have a lot in life that I want to pursue and hopefully achieve. I’m capable of a lot when I’m sober, but I’m not capable of being sober long enough to really make much headway. I’ve been doing this up and down dance for years now. I dig myself out, stay sober for a few months, and then bury myself again.
For some reason, my old job that I worked at for all of last year (before subsequently walking off of) is wanting to hire me back.
It’s a great job and great pay. It’s something I’m capable of excelling at, if I can just keep myself together. Other than that, my home life is a mess and completely up in the air.
This post is rambling, all over the place, and scatter brained. But I guess, I am too right now.