Well I don’t really know where to start but I suck at staying sober. Let me start with I know that I want it… I do I see what the program does for so many people, and that’s what I want in my life. But I am at a cross roads at the moment, I can either go to a long term dual diagnosis treatment center or I can go to a half way house because Lord knows I’ve been to plenty of rehabs, so that’s why I am thinking just go to the halfway house and do the damn thing, because to be honest Im thinking going to another long term rehab would be like beating a dead horse… I mean I am facing jail time and it would look good for me to go there but so would staying at halfway house and getting a job, so that’s where I am at with that. Any advice about what to do there would be greatly appreciated. Anyway back to me being the king of relapse and the master at self sabotage, okay here’s what is I struggle with self doubt and to be honest when ever I am in recovery, going to meetings-working the steps - etc. etc. I always feel like I am going backwards like I’m one of the unfortunate ones, destined to be an individual that doesn’t have what it takes to enjoy recovery, or to flourish or prosper. Anyway if I am being honest that’s what I struggle with, self pity and demoralization. I mean I white knuckle it and white knuckle it until finally I feel like getting high… I mean it may not be wise or helpful at all but to me it not only seems logical but it starts to be all I can think about… I mean I start obsessing and obsessing over it til it’s only a matter of time before I’m in full relapse mode, and once I get there it’s not a matter of if it’s a matter of when. And I know addiction is a progressive disease and only gets worse the more you indulge, but my discontentment becomes so great that it’s either that or doing myself in, and I don’t want to give up on beautiful life so I use because at least I can come back from that. So you may be wondering… how long do I got sober… well the answer is zero… zilch… nada. I’m in the middle of one of my relapses right now. When we find we’re at the end of the road, we can neither go on living with drugs or go on living without them… well that’s exactly where I happen to find myself right now… bewildered, no reason to believe in myself because I have failed so many times but yet not wanting to give up because I deserve a good life. Anyways that is basically my story up until now… I’ve given it my all in the program and we’ll obviously it wasn’t enough, so I figured I would give this a try, something’s got work, right???
I would say long term treatment followed by a halfway house. Welcome to the forum. There are many awesome people and information here.
This is has been a great place for me to get support in my sobriety. It sounds to me like you’re still fighting the demon. As long as we keep fighting the demon we will loose. Step one. Surrendering. When I finally gave up and surrendered, was when I could finally make progress. That’s where I had to start. We are powerless over alcohol. Alcohol will always win until we really surrender.
Welcome. I was like you until this last time, 5 months ago. Relapsing every 5-6 months. This time I decided to dedicate myself to NA, I mean really drink the kool-aid. Also I check in here once a day there is a thread for that. Keeps you accountable.
I live with anxiety and depression so to me a long-term dual diagnosis program would have been a godsend. It does sound like you need rehab again. But this time be desperate to give up the substances.
To think that your invincible is not helping you at all. The number of people out there that die because they can’t get into rehab is astronomical. Take advantage of your resources and make the best of that 2nd chance you’re getting.
Thank you, I greatly appreciate the advice and the encouragement
Your right, thanks for pointing that out. I don’t want to resist your advice but I guess what I meant was there is a chance at coming back from that but you’re right I need to stop taking my opportunities for granted.
Welcome Matthew! Glad ur here! I honestly think the treatment centre is the best option. That’s just my opinion. But I have a few reasons for saying this:
- I am someone with a dual diagnosis. Honestly, when I sought help for my mental health (which did include me going on medication), it made the world of difference. Stability in mental health helps sooo much for recovery. It did for me anyway. I did CBT and it honestly has given me many tools to retrain my thinking. How I think effects how I behave which effects how I feel. They all go hand in hand.
- Now about the halfway houses… If ur talking about halfway houses related to the criminal justice system, I spent 5 years working full time at a mens halfway house as a support worker. (I’m not sure if the halfway house ur referring to is the type I’m talking about… I apologize if it isnt). But if it is, alot of the residents who lived there also struggled with addictions. It was often mental health concerns or addictions and trauma that brought them there. Often times residents would go out for the day, and if they were struggling, would use, come back to the house, sometimes bring drugs with them, and sometimes it was actually hard for others to stay clean. We often did room searches and found tons of paraphernalia. Now I’m not saying that the halfway houses aren’t helpful (there definitly were success stories)… but often residents would jump into things wanting to turn around their life… get a job and try their best to stay clean without really taking the necessary course of action to stay clean. They didn’t address their addictions, they didn’t address their mental health concerns, and they didn’t address trauma. Yes that all does take time to go thru but without addressing it, I just feel like it’s a black cloud hanging over head. And I found that without their support network and without taking these other steps, they often found themselves high or committing a crime and back in jail. That’s just from what I’ve seen. I honestly think therapy would be a great start! I mean maybe looking at other things that have caused u to return to addiction. For me it was my borderline personality disorder, ptsd, and trauma. Until I addressed these things, it was damn hard to really focus on recovery and get what clean time I do have. And idk I know u said uv been to multiple rehabs but maybe another go at one would be diff this time. I have been to multiple treatments and programs as well. And I found every time I went, I discovered something new about myself. Something changed in me. And rehab also helped me to get passed the brutal cycle of the first couple weeks. Gave me a chance to get ahold of things while in a safe space. Ultimately it’s ur choice Idk. These are just my thoughts lol hope u stick around tho and keep posting
Thanks for your help. I’m pretty sure I already knew that I needed to go to the dual diagnosis treatment center but your thoughtful wisdom and advice is really appreciated. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else.
Oh ur welcome! I apologize if I came off strong. Those were just my thots tho. It truly has helped so much for me anyway! It really changed how I thought about things. I’m glad ur looking into new things to help! It never hurts to try. What works for some may not work for others and vice versa but it’s worth a shot!
First of all, a big welcome to you!
I know exactly what you mean. Chronically relapsed for decades. Here’s what’s happening. Many recovery programs focus a lot of value on building a good sober life. Developing a relationship with God, ourselves, and other people are very good things. But little is done to counter the other variable in the equation. And that is the high amount of value that the user places on the addiction.
Clearly, value is being placed on the DOC above. Thus, the inner battle rages; the struggle; the uphill battle; the constant scrutinizing between using and sobriety. And this promise of freedom that is witnessed in others around us seems so out of reach. Sure, many push through the cravings and recovery sticks, but that was not the case for me.
For me, I needed to address the fact that my subconscious self was assigning waaaaay more value to my addiction than it deserved.
The truth is that my DOC has no value. It has no benefit. It offers me nothing. It’s worth zero $0. And the pleasure it brings is simply the pleasure of relieving the withdrawal pangs that were caused by the addiction to begin with. That’s not pleasure. That’s an illusion; a lie; a miserable existence. I’ve been duped.
Once I understood this, choosing sobriety was easy. No more climbing Mount Everest. I’m finally free!
Been there. It was my alcoholism fucking with me. Wanting me to drink. Cunning, baffling, powerful. You are not your mind. If I may suggest a book. The Power Of Now. It helped me.
Right on, your feedback is much appreciated. Godspeed to you and your recovery