Being sober with drunk bartender partner

Hey guys! I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or just space to vent cuz I’m upset right now. I’m 99 days sober from alcohol today. My partner is a bartender and drinks regularly. Nothing about them has changed or gotten worse since I quit drinking, but now that I’m sober I just have no tolerance for it. I just woke up as they were getting home and I’m just soo angry at them for being drunk right now. I’m angry at them for a few other things too, but the common denominator is that I am usually angry at them when they’re drunk. It doesn’t seem like a fair boundary to ask them not to be drunk around me, because we live together, but I’m so sick of waking up to drunkenness all the time.

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I’ve never tried Al-Anon, my partner and kids aren’t like me (alcoholic). But some of my friends have gone to meetings, some like it, some don’t, some love it. It is possible to work a program of recovery from your own alcoholism as well as recovery from codependency.
Blessings on your house :pray:.

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I don’t know about everyone else, but a true relationship requires some level of shared values, and respect and deference for differing values, at least the way I see it. Here’s an example: I am a Christian. I wouldn’t demand that my significant other run to the front of the church and accept Christ, unless she wanted to, for her.

But I wouldn’t tolerate “GD’s” and “JFC’s” being dropped around me, either. This would demonstrate a lack of respect for my values.

There is a spiritual term for this: “unequally yoked”. Two oxen not pulling with the same effort, in the same direction. A minor inequality is something that can be dealt with successfully. However, the greater the disparity, the greater the difficulty.

It sounds like this is a case of being unequally yoked, at least with regards to alcohol and sobriety. You didn’t say you want your partner to quit their profession. You just don’t want them to bring their profession home with them, which I think quite reasonable, when you are trying to maintain sobriety.

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I kinda feel like your living your new sober life and found who you are now. Sometimes people we saw fit for us really are not. Instead of moving on we used or drank and stayed where we felt comfortable. What other sane person wants date and smell a drunk everyday . Have you ever brought this up for them to correct? If they make little to no effort then u have a long road ahead of you. As your dating an alcoholic. You dont like the lifestyle of drinking why date n live with it? Maybe some food for thought

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I understand your feelings about having a drinking partner and also not feeling it is fair to ask him to change his life. My husband is a very sane, normal drinker. I would not ask him to change what he can do responsibly. Having said that, I did ask that we not keep wine in the house until I have some more sobriety under my belt. He has been very supportive of that. I’ve never seen my husband drunk, but if I did? I would ask him to not do it around me. I don’t think that is an unfair request.

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How do you never see your husband drunk when he drinks?

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I guess I just feel like it’s unfair to leave them or ask them to change just because I did.

He rarely has more than one or two.:slight_smile:

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Hah, go figure, that thought didn’t cross my mind.

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You’re a product of the 5 people you interact with the most.

Dump their ass. It sucks to hear, but you won’t change them. They won’t change. And they are going to bring you down.

I just wanted to update this and say that my partner quit drinking a few months after this and I am still with him. We just got married over the summer, after dating for 8 years total. I can’t believe how much our relationship changed for the better once we had both been sober a while. Neither of us thought we would even get married.

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Oh wow!!! That is awesome!! Congratulations!!! The gifts of sobriety!!!

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Thank you!

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This is wonderful. I’m glad he chose to make the leap with you! Congrats on your marriage. May there be many blissful years ahead of you two

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That’s wonderful, congratulations! :raised_hands:t2: :innocent:

This is a welcomed update! Congratulations on your nuptials AND your shared sobriety.