Beyond frustrated

I am absolutely beyond frustrated. I can’t seem to put two days together. I have been in 12 step programs before. I have had 11 years sobriety at one point, I have been a chemical dependency professional on the past as well. I do not lack intelligence by any means…yet here I sit, knowing what I need to do, wanting to do what I need to do, and that’s as far as I’m getting. I had been living in my car the last few months but as it got cold ( down in the 20’s ) my ex wife of 5 years and my kiddos asked me to stay there because they were worried about me. Although I hold my job…I mean who wouldn’t, how else are you gonna be able to get what you need my behaviors are hanging severely. I’m at the ex’s on the condition of being clean and not bringing anything into her home. Its pathetic I can’t even do that, and even worse I sit and lie to them all knowing that they know I’m lying. I look at my kiddos and that alone should motivate me to be done. I know I have to want it for myself, and by know doubt I do. I loved my 11 years of sobriety…best time frame in my life. So what the **** ? Why can’t I do what I want and need to do ? In the mean time I am mentally beating myself down and although they aren’t keeping me clean , at least the 12 step meetings are a reprieve from kicking my own ***. I am open to any solution based input and willing to do something different

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I wonder if u could think of solution based things that worked for u when u had 11 years of sobriety. Maybe start by reinstating some things which u remember back then which helped. Can u remember n share 1 or 2 things with me/the forum? Might help me/us too.

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You seem to know the process. Can I ask have you sought treatment? I’m not trying to be a prick but what you are doing now is not working. And yes you are right you have to want this for you. Nothing in this world will keep you clean/sober but the desire for yourself. For me rehab was a great start. And I don’t know if IOP or inpatient is a better choice. But I went the inpatient route it gave me time in a safe environment and they introduced me to AA/NA. I couldn’t be happier with the way my life has changed. This is coming from a person that was resigned to dying a drunk because I couldn’t see a way out. Alcohol was my only solution at one point and then it just wasn’t enough? So sometimes changing up the approach might give you a footing.

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I guess one of the things would be self care. I was very active into hiking, fishing, anything that had me outdoors enjoying the beauty of what something far greater than I created.
I think a second one would be being of service to others. I will not have the option if counseling again, but I suppose there are many ways to be of service to others

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Perfect! Do one item of self care today. I will too. I may just sit outside n listen to birds n reflect. You reminded me how much I enjoy the outdoors. Thank you. I guess in a way you’ve already served others today, by helping me!

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I read your post and felt like you were reading my mind…everything except the period of sobriety which I have only just started. You also make me think of my brother who will need inpatient detox if/when he makes up his mind to do it.
I agree with doing something for others and getting outside. Helps me find a purpose and I have heard so many say that. That old saying (which I was amazed originated in the Bible) “More happiness in giving than receiving” is some age old advise…good for the soul in so many ways.
I keep reading the battle isnt easy, but its worth fighting. I’m looking forward to seeing that is true.

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I did take some time today and just walked along the river and did A lot of reflecting. It was actually quite nice and a positive experience. I’m going to hit a meeting this evening. So far today has been a good day, God willing 6 more hours and I can claim today as clean and mean it.I appreciate your perspective on things as mine has been oh ill just say it…negative.

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I not only considered treatment, I went. The downfall to my decision was that I went where I used to be a counselor. This is a year long intensive treatment/ behavior modification and I was pretty much beat down by old co workers.I made it a month and bailed…unfortunately with an attitude and went right back to using… I believe that to be an isolated incidence because I have seen the facility turn miracle after miracle and have nothing bad to say about it

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Wow, I feel like those counselors or whoever were your co workers at one point should be delt with for that type of behavior, their behavior should not be an excuse to go back to using,but I can understand absolutely. That’s messed up what they did, that’s not part of their job description I’m sure…I’m sorry you had to go through that

I’m sorry you didn’t have a better experience. Okay I’m gonna just be that person. They worst kind of patients for treatment are highly intellectual/know the process. I’m not trying to say you are or aren’t in either of those categories but🤔. Some time we have to get out of own way. Do meetings help you? Maybe an independent counselor? I know I just keep saying everything you know but as complicated as this is it’s actually pretty simple too. We are here for you. Before you mentally relapse come here and get it out! We want to see you find your stride.

I believe it has nothing to do with him, they knew him, they worked with him, they should have never said anything bad about him for trying to get help, we’re all human, we make mistakes, they should of had more compassion no matter who is going in… Imo

I never said that it was on him at all! I was stating a common held conception of the hardest patient to treat. Don’t put words in my mouth.

He would be the patient in this scnereo. No words placed in your mouth. :smile:

And you can take that portion out of the context of the conversation and assume I give them liberties to be less than professional? AGAIN I was reminding him that a highly educated person or a person that knows the process is the hard person to get to accept help. It has more to do with the way that patient learns or accepts things. I have zero respect for anyone treating a person with less than 100% respect. You are clearly missing my point

I get it now, my apoligies, it was the way it was worded, I’m sorry :slight_smile:

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Proud of you. I sat outside for about 10 minutes today. Sun was out, n it felt good. Went to the gym. Listened to an AA speaker on spotify in the car. Made it to 15 days today. :facepunch:t3:

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Totally agree @Chad_R

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I know you can do it again. All the best to you.

I am just curious, if you don’t mind answering, – what are treatment professionals saying when they refer to this. One of my professionals frequently makes reference to this and I am never quite sure what they are getting at.

I appreciate the honest feedback and the opportunity to challenge my perspective. I have been so busy I guess playing victim that I haven’t been accountable to my part in that…and as I look back I guess I did play a part more than likely to do just what I did which was leave and go feed the beast. I am not doing any private counseling, probably because no counselor could ever meet my impossible expectations
(I will need to work on that) I did just get a sponsor in the program and I am definitely working on not knowing anything. Its not easy but if I don’t…what will ever change? I am my worst enemy sometimes

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