Hi this is kinda a rant, sorry. I’m coming up on 10 months clean from cocaine, and it’s really been throwing me lately, I think because the year mark is approaching.
Today at work, I had to take a Covid test, just one of the at home kind, so I was in the bathroom taking it. However, I was sort of stunned for a moment when I moved the swab from one nostril to the other, because I found out that the side I used 90% of the time was very much different than it had been when doing Covid tests previous to my addiction. Shaped different. Bigger.
I guess I thought I hadn’t used that much, but 5 nights a week for six months will apparently do it. I’m glad I don’t have a full on hole, but tissue damage is real.
Now I’ve been in this weird cycle all day, of regretful over having ever started, scared that I’ll just have more long-term effects that become apparent or just of what people may say if they find out, ashamed that I ever let it get so bad, and guilty that I still have days where I just want just one bump. One last one. And it would be the last, because I know myself and I would not be able to pace myself, and I’d probably do the entire gram or two far too quickly and end up overdosing. Which some days, that is the only reason I don’t, and I feel so guilty about those days.
At the same time, I am proud. I know I’m doing something immensely difficult, and that I can’t help the past but rather can only affect my future. But I’m very depressed, and hopeless, struggling in all areas of life and the lack of motivation and energy brought on by the depression and other health issues certainly doesn’t help.
Hey! Cocaine isn’t my DOC but in my AA group about half were very big into cocaine, so I’ve come to at least appreciate how addictive that crap is. I had a lot of guilt around the damage I did to my body that first year. It’s quite normal. One thing that helped me was participating in my AA group as they shared their similar experiences in early sobriety. Have you tried CA? I have heard such positive things about CA. Finding some other addicted in recovery that understand might be very beneficial. This is a journey if you want the benefits of “happy, joyous, free” that describe many who embrace their recovery. Glad you are here!
Hi there, I was rather surprised when I saw this message as I know precisely how your feeling. Cocaine was always my drug of choice and while it never completely took over my life, it has been a damaging habit that has lasted all of 7 years. I too had a favourite side I liked to use and now I have one much bigger nostril than the other and my septum is deviated so now one of my nostrils is near enough blocked all the time which has really had a negative impact on my mental recovery because it’s just something that I just can’t ignore every single day. Once I noticed this of course I was fully stressed and searched up all of the other health impacts and have really dug myself a deep hole which I’m still trying to get out of. All I know is that when I think of my lowest points and how depressed and unworthy of being around I felt it does help a little as I feel better in my mind as I did but I’m still not there yet. I don’t want to give lots of advice because I’m still trying to work things out myself but I just wanted to send you this message so you know that you are not alone. I’m trying each day to forgive myself for the past and the mistakes that I have made and know that I was coping the best that I could back then with what I had. I also try to not plan ahead and overthink about the future in my life because that also is very negative for my headspace. Living in the present and focusing on what it feels like now to be alive and enjoying each day is my mentality that I am trying to adopt and thinking of all of the things I am currently grateful for. Stay strong and send a message if you ever need any support
First off, a HUGE congratulations on ur upcoming 10 months!!!
I can relate to ur post in so many ways. Before i started using crack cocaine, i was using cocaine for a long time (amongst other drugs). My nose got so bad that i had to use drugs in other ways (youd think id get the hint that i was doing damage to my body and just stop… but i had to learn the hard way like many of us do unfortunately). I have been clean for almost 1 year and my left nostril is almost blocked and the right is always more “open”. I have a poor sense of smell also. We often do so much damage to ourselves during our “using careers” that it can be really worrisome once we get clean. The important thing to remember tho is that our bodies do heal for the most part over time. At least thats what ive been told. We cant change what weve done in the past but we certainly have control over what we do todat, in this moment. Future milestones can definitly create some anxiety and bring up alot of emotion. Im currently going thru that now as my 1 year is on feb 13th. But again… all we have is today. Theres no point in being regretful or worrying or anxious (as hard as it may be to not feel this way) bcuz those emotions steal the joy from the present. And thats what im trying to remember now. I am sending u many positive vibes and thoughts ur way, hoping that ur day improves
I truly appreciate the possible alternatives, but unfortunately it seems that side is just definitely changed from what it used to be. It’s never blocked now, just the other side, I’m now realizing. Can’t believe I didn’t notice sooner. And while yes, 6 mos is relatively not a lot of time, I was partying pretty hard and I’ve always had a fairly fragile composition, yet another reason it was so dumb of me to even start. Hindsight, 20/20, etc.
It is good to keep in mind. I am trying really hard to do so, but with some other extenuating circumstances in my life I have been pretty much paralyzed with depression/anxiety the last few days and I don’t have really anyone I can talk to about it. I’m often the friend or person that people turn to when they’re going through something, and while I love being there for them, it’s extremely hard for me to reach out in turn, I feel like such a nuisance and a bother. I feel really ashamed that the best I can do right now is just lay in bed so I don’t do anything that would hurt myself. It’s hard to remain grounded and joyful in the present like I want to, when the present is such a nightmare. I’m really close to homelessness, have a few other health issues going on, as well as family stuff and the social isolation. It’s overwhelming.
An alternative perspective, one I came to a few years ago while having a conversation with a friend. By not turning to our friends when we are in need, we deprive them of that feeling we get when we help them. That doesn’t make it any less awkward or uncomfortable to ask for help. But it did give me some motivation to try and do it a little more. Also something that I have learned on the forum - while it feels so vulnerable, accepting that and asking for help anyway is such a brave thing to do.
If that really isn’t available to you though, what networks do you have that might give you an outlet? The forum is one - has been super important for me! Do you go to any meetings? I only really did online meetings (Recovery Dharma) for a bit, I got a lot from it though, particularly learning to share honestly and openly. If there are in person meetings (NA, CA, RD, SMART, whatever) near you, maybe that is also an avenue you could think about if you haven’t already. I have seen many people here forge strong mutual aid type relationships through meetings, where people help each other out. Or you mention other health and housing issues - not sure where you are but any support through charities or state provision that could help?
Well done for getting this far. Milestones can bring up some discomfort when they are looming. It’s OK to find things difficult and to have regrets for the way things were or could have been. I’m glad you stopped when you did
