Blacked Out Again

I could use some prayers tonight. I have a history of blacking out when I drink and getting mean towards my boyfriend. The last time it happened was back in Feb but now it happened again even worse this past Saturday. I feel so awful about myself. The last time it got this bad he broke things off and we didn’t get back together for a few weeks. This time he took a day apart but I begged him to come home and he did. He’s here but not ‘here’ and I don’t blame him. I’m terrified of losing him and so ashamed of my behavior.

I have looked up a counselor for the first time, someone to talk to about anger issues, drinking, and communicating better in relationships. Alcohol plays a HUGE role in my behavior as I never get like that when sober. It kills me to feel the distance between he and I right now but I can’t imagine the pain he is feeling. I’m feeling so low.

I honestly thought I was doing better at being in control when I drink. Hadn’t had an episode like this since Feb and stayed sober for a few weeks after that. Then wham this happens again and goes to show I’m never in control when it comes to my drinking.

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I think many of us here can relate to the pain we’ve both afflicted and absorbed while black out drinking. Hurt feelings of that intensity can be helpful if channeled to change and growth or harmful if we start to drown in them. It sounds like he loves you a lot and is extending forgiveness so try your best to focus on that. By being able to move forward and learning from it, it will help you both heal. Every day you stay sober the pain felt from these fresh wounds will be felt less and less and your relationship will be much stronger for it. You can get through today and tomorrow will be a new day! hug

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hugs You know my story and I can relate so much! It pains me to read your post because it hits home and I am so sorry you are hurting like this. Alcohol is a sneaky devil, and you may feel in control for some time, but it usually always gets out of hand eventually. I hope you are able to find the help and support you need and ultimately, I wish you will find your path to sobriety. I am always here if you need to chat or vent.

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Welcome back @Bali45. It’s been a while since you last posted. Hopefully you’ll stay plugged in this time.

For me, this is a daily thing. If I stop doing those good recovery things such as going to meetings, checking in on the forum, calling buddies,etc…
I may be able to stay sober for awhile, but sooner or later, lack of discipline or reminders to myself of why I’m here will draw me back to the addiction. And then we wonder how our addictions sneak back into our lives.

The problem, in that case, was not the acting out behavior, but that I failed to stay plugged in to my support system. Sobreity is a good gift, but it is a poor measurement of how we’re actually progressing in our recovery.

My prayers are with you. It seems like you’re taking some extra measures. That’s good. If left alone, this will destroy you and your relationships. You can do this! We believe in you!

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I get the worst anxiety the next day after a black out. I can get mean, and say very inappropriate things to many people, including my spouse.

My relationship with my husband is infinitely better when I don’t drink. I’m more confident in our arguments, I think more clearly, and I’m not worrying about what I can’t remember. Take this as more motivation to stay sober. Hurting those we love just isn’t worth it.

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You’re exactly right. I need to remember the way I feel right now from this and how much it hurts. But use it as a learning tool to remember I NEVER want to feel this way again.

@Bali45 I can relate to the blackouts, mean behavior and not remembering what I did while using alcohol. I would like to go see a counselor myself. Please let me know how this goes because I may look into this option since I can’t seem to control it myself.