this entry is sensitive, discusses animal end of life and gut issues
I’ve been mulling over the idea of doing too much, I often get this comment. I’m very ambitious, always have been, dating back to when I was a kid. I have the ability to generate energy and be focused with what I care about. There is not much I fail at either, getting from point A to B, back to A from Z does not phase me. Often folks will be like, you do so much, but I don’t relate to this. I think it’s what I do and how I do it that is more the issue.
When I got sober from alcohol, I realized I had major alignement and integrity issues; I was not aligned with what I wanted to do, but rather what I thought I ‘‘should’’ do, which was caregiving. I had been caregiving for over 20 years in various capacities and I burnt out.
Here is where at the moment this turns into difficulty. I’m still pulled to caregiver and I’m still transitioning and aligning myself (I will need to speak more specifically about this).
Right now, my asshole literally is burning because I’m getting sick over my cat’s health. I’m having major anxiety and gastro issues. My cat is dying and I’m caregiving for her all day, and at night. I have an appointment scheduled to euthanize her at home on Friday
It’s been over a year that we have been monitoring my cat’s situation, and in the past month, it has been going downhill. I need to be with her at all times and the other day, I felt like I was losing it. Much of the pain felt is the same pain felt in burn-out. It’s a twisting of my guts feeling.
I want to be able to give more care. I want to be able to save. I’m addicted to substances because I cannot reconcile emotionally the inability to save, the fatigue I have with caregiving in general and how easily I can get triggered physically when I’m giving too much.
There is an energetic hole I need to close, and I can’t seem to do it. This is the crux of my pain and fatigue.
I will go do some yoga now, and share later.
Thanks for reading.