Book Club: Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

The whole time I’m listening I was wondering if she was saying trans or trance.

I’ll need to listen again and see if I can figure out what she means. I was wondering in she meant the literal definition of trans…not straight. For example, in chemistry a cis bond is between atoms that beside each other (straight) whereas a trans bond is across (diagonal).

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Ha ha ha!!

So she means mindless thinking??

I think of trance like an altered state. Like I’m not my CORE self, I am gripped by altered thinking. I find it helpful because if I can recognise I’m in this state of trance when my emotions take control, it feels less real, I’m able to detach, and effect the pause and be less reactive.

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Prologue:
So I listened up through 3, then this morning went back and listened to the prologue twice. Partly because I was feeling in trace due to an ankle injury this morning - one version of trance for me is persistent and uncontrollable tearfulness. There are others more subtle, but this one is quite noticeable.

So that feeling of not being good enough, not ok, different, something wrong with me. I have felt that all my life, for as long as I can remember. I recognised it in the literature I read as a teenager - Plath, Salinger, Kerouac. The thing she talked about - feeling like she was in a bubble - it was like Sylvia Plath’s “The Bell Jar”. I’ve always felt like I am suffocating under a bell jar, separate from everyone.

My history has been to find others with this feeling, not others who are healing, but others who are suffering, and we drunk and drug our feelings away, creating an us against the world feeling of separateness.

I could also relate to the feelings of hyper ambition - if only I worked hard enough, became successful, became well respected in my career, won awards, did all the things - THEN I would feel happy and fulfilled. The more I chased this dream, the more I dug myself into a hole and the worse I felt. Then I would feel confused about why I felt so unhappy and dissatisfied.

The first time I heard real people that were getting better talk about this was in AA. We talk about the “hole in the soul”. For the first time I did not feel alone (as opposed to living in a siege mentality) - we could talk and sit with each other, rather than feeling like we needed to fix each other or ourselves. But learning how to live with ourselves and each other. It helps just to know that I am not alone in these feelings.

So the prologue I could really relate to - in all the ways.

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I think about that feeling of “not good enough” a lot. I swear my earliest memory is this feeling. I must have been 4 or 5 years old. So I’m thinking it’s not just “low self esteem”, or at least not in the sense that I just need to change my thinking. I wonder if somehow it’s my genetics, that I was born with this. So maybe I just need tools to recognize it and work with it…just like my daughter has to use her tools to deal with ADHD.

Yes, I agree with this 100%. Still, I can’t help but wonder if I was genetically predisposed to these thoughts, just like I’m genetically predisposed to addictive behaviours. It’s not an “excuse”, just an understanding of why I react to things the way I do. Knowledge is power.

I was stunned when Tara Brach mentioned that people interpret the acceptance this way…because it never occured to me. Accepting myself, flaws and all, does not mean I need to just sit back and not try. “Everyone says I’m “bad” so I guess that’s just it, I’m bad”. NO! It just means accepting that I am a person with flaws and that is okay. Other people have flaws. We all have flaws. We can try to change, as long as we aren’t changing simply to make others like us more. And THAT is what I did my whole life. I wanted to be liked/loved so I tried to mold myself into a person that I thought others would like…but in the end they still didn’t like me and I didn’t like me either…probably because we could all tell I was being phoney!! Authenticity. That is what I am striving for. Being authentically me.

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It’s interesting because I don’t think anyone told me I was stupid…I just believed that they did. It’s all the voices in my own head acting like a ventriloquist of sorts. I believed I was stupid, so I believed others thought I was stupid, which acted as proof that I was stupid!! All the bad things I believed about myself came from me!! Same with being unloveable. I believed I was unloveable so I believed others thought I was unloveable which was proof that I was unloveable. VICIOUS CIRCLES.

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Lately I am getting the same messages from every direction. Last night in therapy we worked on getting to know some of the more vulnerable parts of myself and accepting them as they are. This includes letting myself get to know my internal ‘judgy part’. My assignment this week is to try to get to know this part a little better - what purpose does it serve? How did it come to be? What would it do if I didn’t need it to do it’s job anymore?

This morning, at my meeting, the daily reflection started: “Am I honest enough to accept myself as I am and let this be the ‘me’ that I let others see?”

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I have now listened up to chapter 3 on audible twice. Everything about it hits home. So many things in my recovery are now dovetailing - the messages I receive from AA about pausing and letting go, the work in my individual therapy about identifying parts of myself and treating them with compassion, my Buddhist studies, this book, etc etc. The messages are everywhere and it is clear that this is now a time for me to meditate on self acceptance.

Onwards to chapters 4-6!

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Bought the book today on Amazon and started reading on my Kindle app. Feels like I’m reading about myself! Can’t wait to get further into book. :purple_heart:

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Finished Ch 1, I have known for some time that I didn’t or don’t accept myself for who I am, just the way that I am -flaws and all. I have lived on the “not good enough” principle for most of my life. I love that she says, “Spiritual awakening is the process of recognizing our essential goodness, our natural wisdom and compassion.” This will help us to love ourselves even while we recognize our flaws. :purple_heart: :slightly_smiling_face:

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Really like the mindfulness meditation in Ch 2. I read it, then practiced with some music. :relieved:

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Listening to chapter 6 at a time when I am having some feelings that I don’t particularly like, that I find uncomfortable and that I wish were different. I am trying the approach of noting those feelings with “this too” and “it’s not my fault”. It is a strange sensation.

When listening to the story of Milarepa and the demons which I have heard and read many times before, I feel finally able to apply it, as I am in the experience right now. Milarepa saying to his demons “it is wonderful you came today, you should come again tomorrow! from time to time, we should converse!” It is a curious thought - welcoming these unpleasant feelings in, rather than trying to change them or even be neutral towards them. Or to distract myself or get busy to avoid them.

Turn, face them head on, and embrace the experience. Eeeek!

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I have continued practising this today. I have some unpleasant feelings, so I try to remind myself rather than to push them aside, to politely acknowledgement them with “this too”. And sometimes actively welcome them with “it’s nice to see you, come in!”. It is very curious indeed. The feelings don’t change, but ceasing to struggle against them seems to provide some relief.

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For the last year or so, I have been struggling with some uncomfortable feelings about a situation of my own making and continuation. I have very consciously not wanted to force a change in the situation in order to make the feelings stop (because it involves others and I am trying not to exert my will on others). I have been trying to CHANGE the feelings I have, through different kinds of self-work, with a view to shifting from anxiety to neutrality or even happiness. This has had some, but limited success and the feelings still linger, which then makes me feel guilty and bad and not good enough because I can’t change them. So this is a real different approach, to actively acknowledge and welcome those feelings when they arise.

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@anon67035918 (and others!) here is a reminder of the schedule. Although I haven’t been sharing loads, I think I am on track! Currently on Chapter 8.

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I am on chapter 8 and following along with you all. Too tired to join in. But it’s very meaningful. :heart:

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Ohh she has a book! Amazing - I’m going to order it asap! I’ve been listening to her podcast for a couple of months now, and it’s brought much wisdom, peace & understanding into my life, and for that I’m very grateful :blush::pray: here’s a link to her podcast (spotify) if anyone would like x

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