Boyfriend sabatoging my success because hes depressed


#1

Hello everyone! Need some support as im not getting it at home im afraid.
Ive been a heavy drinker for 20 years.wow only just realised how long that is!! Im 36 now and for the last year i have had enough of the anxiety hangovers and depression. So been really trying to stop drinking. Ive tried the its only a six pack or just 1 bottle wont hurt! but once i start drinking i cant stop my boyfriend can stop but when we get drunk together it can go on for days and we both get anxiety thats so bad we cant face work.
ill try and keep it short but my boyfriend had depression since moving back to oz i cant firgure out why and im on call at work so for the last 2 months ive stopped drinking altogether and i havent missed a shift but my boyfriend still not got his head together. Anyhow the problem is is that he trys to encourage me to drink sometimes saying “its just a few” when my problem is i cant just have a few. I think hes being really selfish and inconsiderate knowing how hard im trying we had a big row before and he mentioned he should be able to have fun hes only 28! I mean me trying to sort my life out has nothing to do with our age gap.im just wondering is this a really bad sign that i cant be with a drinker ?


#2

I know it’s hard, but I think you already know what needs to be done. He needs to become sober, too, or you need to have a serious discussion about breaking up. I realize this is easier said than done. I’ve been up and down for over 20 years myself. The main thing that has made me relapse is not staying away from people that enable my addictions. The good news is you have identified your addiction and are doing something about it. Look for local counseling if you haven’t. Speaking to someone face to face will help. Like I said. This journey is hard. I suck at it to be honest, but I’m trying just like you are.


#3

What matters more to you? A happy sober life or him?

Where do you see yourself with a possible 12 months sobriety behind you and where do you see yourself in another 12 months of the relationship?


#4

I normally suck at it too. But for some reason something has clicked more this time.
Its almost like the scales have tipped and i know i feel far worse and guilty if i drink where as before it was supposedly makung me feel better. All i could think when he was asking me to drink is your annoying me and your trying to make me fail ff off!! Thanks for advice


#5

I tgought he mattered but it just feels like hes more concerned with having a drinking buddy


#6

My husband and I drank together for 4 years of our 9 year marriage. I put myself in detox and rehab. I thought our marriage was over by that point. When I got out he welcomed me with open arms. He stopped drinking while I was in rehab. We are doing great. That’s because he loves me. So what I’m trying to say is if he can’t support you being sober you need to look what’s in your best interest. You are worth being happy and sober. You can do this.


#7

Wanting to keep an alcoholic drunk ain’t love. Cut him loose.


#8

Good for you in taking responsibility for your health and problem with drinking. 2 months is amazing! It has to be difficult living with someone who doesn’t respect (or care about) your need for sobriety and well being. Sounds like this guy isn’t very responsible either… time for him to grow up or move out.


#9

Its like he is trying to drag me down with him i just cant party like i used to i started to get fed up at around 28 (his age) but the crutch was to strong. So for 8 years ive wanted to change. It just hurts that he cant love me without the getting drunk (fun) but its no longer fun for me its anxiety attack missing work being lazy feeling and looking like crap and now im stsrting to see problems in my relashionship now im gaining more clarity


#10

There’s a term used in ministry, that describes this sort of relationship: Unequally Yoked.

When we enter into a relationship, we join, or “Yoke” ourselves to the SO in many facets. Romantic, Sexual, Financial, Spiritual. We have a responsibility to apply ourselves to our maximum potential, in these many areas.

Now that is not to say that each parties potential is equal to the other. One may have a better paying job, and therefore contributes more financially. One might have a higher sex drive, and desires the other more deeply. One may have a greater faith tradition, or stronger family tradition, and is therefore more grounded in faith or broader relationships. But what is required of both is for each to apply their best, their maximum, for the greater health of the relationship. Trouble happens when one party refuses to give their best, give it sacrificially, or “pulls” in an opposite direction for selfish reasons.

You have to be responsible for your side of the yoke, which includes your sobriety. You’ve decided to be better, now be better. Keep getting better at getting better, each and every day. Grow as a person. Learn how to be responsible for your own happiness, growing your own joy. He may choose to follow, and better yet, grow to catch up. He may choose to cling to immaturity and selfishness. These are his choices.

Your choice is whether or not to remain yoked to him. Understand that in order for you to move forward, you’ll have to take up for his slack in maturity. Or, you may come to recognize that you had your time, but you want to move forward, faster, and choose to leave him behind.

Peace.


#11

Setting healthy boundaries is so important in early recovery. Many times in situations such as yours, in the absence of co-dependency, the relationship deteriorates rapidly. So there can really only be a few results:. 1. He doesn’t support you and you eventually relapse. 2. He supports you but continues using which will strain the relationship to the point of a. You walk away, he walks away, he joins you, you relapse. 3. You realize the relationship cannot stand as is and you grow wings and fly. 4. He joins you in recovery and you both ride off into the sunset. Bottom line:. What lengths will you go to in order to achieve healthy, long term recovery? My experience has been that without both partners on the same page, failure of one kind or another is inevitable. Sometimes you have to establish strict boundaries for self care and either your loved ones come along, or you go along and establish new, healthier relationships that build you up, not hold you down.


#12

Misery sure does love company. I couldn’t imagine living with someone who is constantly trying to persuade me to drink when I am using everything I have in terms of will power to quit. Sounds like a toxic relationship. Also sounds like you are trying to better yourself and he is not ready to do that for himself yet. Maybe you guys need a break until he’s ready to recognize his own dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, or perhaps you don’t need him in your life anymore if his only contribution is to try to make you relapse. Shitty situation regardless, but I would probably walk away.


#13

Thank you
This really helped. He sat in other room sulking as we speak
I said to him
" do you realise your sulking because im trying my best" i know what to do now. Jyst keep trying to remain sober and be the best me there is.


#14

Can i ask what i can do if we share the same house and can only afford to share rent? How can i show im serious to change if under same roof. I cant think clearly


#15

How many rooms do you have? I have friends that are married right now, going through a separation under the same roof. They just do their own thing until they can afford to separate physically. Or, start looking for another room mate who can pay half the rent, and he can do the same. That’s what I would do


#16

Next time he brings alcohol in the house dump it out or smash the whole case of beer out in the street. I bet he leaves the alcohol outside the house except himself and what he consumed. Maybe set some rules for the house. If you look around people are looking for roomies to share rent and have house rules. Maybe you can treat your situation the same…


#17

Practice self care and take care of you!


#18

Everyone’s advice here is great. If I could add anything, go out for a walk if he gets too much, go to a meeting to build a support network outside the home. I am impressed at how strong you are being. If someone in my house was sabotaging me I don’t know if I could manage. I do know though that before I accepted my own dependence, I would have hated anyone around me trying to quit (as it would hold a mirror up to my own problem). Just finished reading the book ,This Naked Mind, which I would strongly recommend. There is also a podcast of the same name which is amazing and will maybe help you block him out and not feel alone.


#19

He may be only 28, but that shit is gonna catch up to him fast. I feel ya on the husband thing. Both my husband and I did Oxycodone every day. I decided to quit, but my husband did not. I’ve asked him not to pop around me which for the most part he’s good about that, but it’s like I still know. And then the few times he pops in front of me I get jealous and mad all at the same time because I’m mad I want one and jealous I can’t indulge. It’s hard when your spouse indulges. No matter what you preach to them about the benefits, the spouse just has to.be ready. And my spouse is not. So there’s been some arguments for real. But all I can say is dont let someone control your sobriety- I know easier said than done of course. But just dig deep inside of you somehow when you’re boyfriend is tempting you. Sometimes I even have to leave the room if my spouse is just being a complete dick. Don’t cave girl. Remember this is for you first and foremost. Always put yourself first. Well, unless you’re a mom because with my kids are always first, lol. Anyway God bless and good luck lady.


#20

Aw thanks for lovely kind words.
And thats uncanny about the mirror reflecting back. Think its highlighting his issues more…
In a funny sort of way last night has made me more determined! I woke up today with alot of get up and go in me something i not had much of lately despite not drinking ive still just crashed after work or on days off. Today i realised how strong i can be. Its first time i wasnt as tempted when he offered i was just angry with him