Break Ups: please help me

Breaking up can be tough, especially when you’re an addict.

Let me tell you about myself. I graduated from high school in 2016. I went to college for a bit and decided to sell drugs. That progressed into an addiction to stimulants. In 2017, a girlfriend of three years left me. Shortly after my decision-making skills got significantly worse. I went to prison for sales in November of 2017.

January 10th, 2019: freedom!
A girl I wrote to in prison came over the first day I got out. We were great friends, and that transformed into an intimate relationship. I moved in because parole made me, although I was hesitant. I didn’t want to rush. I really care for/love this human.

We have had ups and downs, but it’s been a dream come true. She has her problems, and I have mine, but we were doing it. After a self harm incident I was really adamant that she seek out her therapist.

She went and discovered that she had feelings that had been accumulating for a while. The thing is, I don’t want my significant other to use. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal for me, but I can’t pretend like it’s not. She feels controlled, and because she isn’t using, she feels isolated from friends and family.

There you go, fucking up another relationship again. The way we broke up unsettled me. One day we love each other, one day we don’t talk. I find myself clinging to the small chance that we could get back together, or maybe even be friends. But you know how that goes.

It would be so much easier if there was someone else she was interested in. Then I could be angry, rightly so. But instead, I am angry at myself. How can I be so good at fucking good things up?

Anyway, I’m very weak. I ended up putting the hotline number on my phone’s home screen. I don’t think I’ll do anything, but just in case. I don’t want to feel alone. I’m in an empty apartment tonight, alone. That’s all I feel right now. Alone.

3 Likes

That’s great your reaching out man and I’m very sorry your going through tough times.

1 Like

It’s hard to give advice on these situations. We all know the easiest way to deal with these feelings…but that is a very temporary solution that will only harm your chances of mending the relationship or even starting a new one…

I’m glad you reached out here. It shows you are using healthy methods to cope with your disappointment. Just keep doing the next right thing…at which you are doing great…and everything will work out how it’s supposed to.

3 Likes

Relationships and feelings are hard for me (i complicate everything lol)…so I’ve had to stay away from them and have one with myself for the first time ever. I’m putting myself first and my sobriety. It gets lonely sometimes but I know deep down it’s for the best right now. I used relationships like I used drugs and alcohol. I don’t do that today. I have a wonderful life now and it gets better and better. I dont need validation and whoever or whatever comes into my life better be making me happy or they/it needs to go. No stress and drama free these days. It’s that simple. I wish you well :yellow_heart:

1 Like

So listen. Just because it doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean you fucked it up. It actually means that you are doing the right thing for YOU and that is huge!! You have your line in the sand and that’s ok, if she wants to continue to use there is nothing you can do but protect your own sobriety and preferences. I can’t even tell you how many times in my life I’ve attempted to make things feel ok that don’t feel good to me-it NEVER works! Matter of fact, the longer I try to convince myself it’s ok, the more my body feels it because it doesn’t lie and it holds the energy of your true emotions, which literally changes your energy and chemistry. It’s ok to love someone and not have that relationship fit in the “romantic partner” box, even if that’s not what you went into it expecting it to be. Focus now on loving yourself, the right person will come along the more aligned you become with yourself. Glad you have the hotline number, please use it if you need to! :heart: Also, if therapy is an option, it may be a good idea to help discover some self love. Hugs!

10 Likes

A fellowship like NA or AA can provide the social support you seek, at least it does for me. I can go to a meeting and express my doubt and fear. I can find empathy there, people who understand. And I can get perspective on my situation, which quite often dissipates the anxiety and tunnel vision I have accumulated around it.

And the step work has helped me gain a correct sense of my responsibility in relationships as well as an understanding that it’s OK to feel my feelings.

Blessings on your house :pray:.

6 Likes

Yeah Im with @SinceIAwoke and see that attending an NA meeting could be the answer you’re looking for. If you want to get back together with her, suggest attending a meeting together. There are plenty of cool sober people out there and she doesnt need to isolate. Give her an ultimatum that she has to get clean though to make things work. For your own peice of mind, just hit a meeting, it will keep your parole officer off your ass as well. Lol

1 Like

Pure gold. Sometimes it’s not meant to be, rivers merge and fork apart. Put you and your sobriety first and life will work.

6 Likes

If you’re a believing guy, remembering this works for me: Sometimes God says, no. He knows the big picture. I only see a small corner of it. This is where trust comes into play. It’s easy to trust God when things are going well… but trusting even when you don’t understand his decision is the very basis of faith :hugs:

2 Likes

Go for a run, workout really really hard. You’ll feel better. Block her from your life, don’t talk to her at all.

1 Like

Thank you guys for replying. It’s helping, it really is. My sobriety is really important to me. My life has been going great since I got out, and I haven’t dealt with a traumatic event yet. Today makes 557 days clean. Every part of me wants to fuck that up right now. I’m clinging to these words to stay sober. I can’t tell you how much they mean to me, as I tear up typing this.

3 Likes

2 Likes

Being locked up and unable to use counts as clean time. When you’re free though thats the real test. Maybe the availability of drugs isnt tempting enough, when you least expect it, the dope will find its way right in front of you. Its always there in the outs, lurking around the corner. Use this time out of the joint to work on career and your funds. Women are not a necessity but again I’m suggesting that if you really do love that chick invite her to a meeting.

1 Like