Breaking up can be tough, especially when you’re an addict.
Let me tell you about myself. I graduated from high school in 2016. I went to college for a bit and decided to sell drugs. That progressed into an addiction to stimulants. In 2017, a girlfriend of three years left me. Shortly after my decision-making skills got significantly worse. I went to prison for sales in November of 2017.
January 10th, 2019: freedom!
A girl I wrote to in prison came over the first day I got out. We were great friends, and that transformed into an intimate relationship. I moved in because parole made me, although I was hesitant. I didn’t want to rush. I really care for/love this human.
We have had ups and downs, but it’s been a dream come true. She has her problems, and I have mine, but we were doing it. After a self harm incident I was really adamant that she seek out her therapist.
She went and discovered that she had feelings that had been accumulating for a while. The thing is, I don’t want my significant other to use. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal for me, but I can’t pretend like it’s not. She feels controlled, and because she isn’t using, she feels isolated from friends and family.
There you go, fucking up another relationship again. The way we broke up unsettled me. One day we love each other, one day we don’t talk. I find myself clinging to the small chance that we could get back together, or maybe even be friends. But you know how that goes.
It would be so much easier if there was someone else she was interested in. Then I could be angry, rightly so. But instead, I am angry at myself. How can I be so good at fucking good things up?
Anyway, I’m very weak. I ended up putting the hotline number on my phone’s home screen. I don’t think I’ll do anything, but just in case. I don’t want to feel alone. I’m in an empty apartment tonight, alone. That’s all I feel right now. Alone.