So, here I am again, trying to break a habit that had formed once I was able to buy my own alcohol. I decided to try and find an app for support and to track my progress for the visual motivation, I am at 2 full days of being sober now.
I’ve told myself many times over the years that it is time to stop, but then I get that craving of the habit. It’s been relatively easy for me to go many days inbetween drinking, when I would usually drink almost daily, but the longest I’ve been sober is 2-3 weeks.
I don’t necessarily like alcohol, I don’t like the taste or the feeling of being drunk. I don’t like waking up hot and sweaty, feeling dehydrated and sluggish. I’ve realized it’s so unsatisfying for me, there’s no peak to the feeling of being drunk therefor I will drink in excess to try and obtain it and have had occassional blackouts. Blackouts where I don’t remember sex with my boyfriend, and I don’t remember saying mean things to him that sober me absolutely does not think.
I am emotionally sensitive and empathetic. Alcohol became my escape from my anger, sadness and the stressors in my life. It has been my way to wind down at the end of the day.
My childhood was rather oppressive in that I was rarely ever allowed to hang out with my friends and be a kid, my mother was way too overprotective which basically forced me to be a shut in. I have emotional trauma from witnessing my dad being arrested when I was 12, the lies surrounding it, my inability to speak to him and the guilt of not speaking to him as much as I should have. My sister died in a car accident about a year later after she was driving while intoxicated and flipped her car upsidedown into an agricultural ditch. My dad moved 6 hours away a couple years later because he couldn’t stand to be so close to his family but not able to be with us.
Inbetween this time I struggled by myself because I am a very private person, only some of my internet friends knew the truth. I refused going to school for the most part which caused a very negative relationship with my mom. She tried to take me to counseling to figure out how to control me rather than help me, because for whatever reason they actually believed when I lied and told them I wasn’t emotionally struggling.
I graduated with a 4.0 through independent study. Started a gaming addiction with all the free time I had. But also became a bit of a caretaker with the health issues and surgeries my mom started having. That in itself was a struggle considering I loved my mom but I was still very bitter about what happened with her and my dad, and the ways I got treated because she couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. Plus all the double standards between things I was allowed to do compared to my older brother who honestly got in more trouble than I ever did, the excuse was his adhd.
Eventually came a time where I had to figure out a career and made the decision to force myself into learning to be social and not having anxiety talking to people. I went to school for esthetics. Got my first job at a small day spa at age 20 and due to circumstances got pushed into managing it. Soon after began school for massage therapy while working.
I ended up working other places while working at the same small spa for the next 6 years. I had a very up and down relationship with the owner, we became very close in certain ways and like family but at times she would be downright horrendous. I quit multiple times and would get asked back when she would decide to meet my demands. Honestly I was doing too much work for too little compensation and putting up with too much of her bs but the empathetic me would make excuses for her bad behavior. It was stressful, it was infuriating at times, it was draining. I also learned so much and grew as a person learning my boundaries and my strengths. I manifested my next step, starting my own pratice and working for myself and I have now been in business for about 6 months.
I know these experiences are not excuses, but I recognize their heavy influence in my alcoholic tendencies, my need to get away. Which I still struggle with as there is so much dependency on me as I am the responsible helpful child (who is an alcoholic). I’m almost 27 but my parents had me at an older age, they are now 65 and 70 both disabled. We convinced my dad to move back a couple years ago because he has Multiple Sclerosis which has progressively gotten worse over the 10 years of him being diagnosed. The tremors affect his dominiate side and he has begun falling quite often, refusing to do the recommended procedures to get him the best help in managing his disease. My boyfriend and I live with my parents, helping financially and physically. It’s difficult to not be in my own space, to have peace and quiet and live the way I want to.
I apologize if it seems I am jumping around at sharing my thoughts, experiences and feelings. There is so much I could express I could write a whole book.
I want to be healthy and free. Working in the wellness industry I need to practice what I preach. I need to take better care of myself. I need to not listen to the voice that goads me into buying alcohol for just a drink or two when I know it wont be satisfying, I’ll drink too much in search of that satisfaction, it’s a huge waste of money, and I’ll feel like crap in the morning.
It was a coping mechanism in the past, but it has become a terrible habit I no longer need. I’ve grown, I’ve overcome and I’ve healed (for the most part.)
I would also like to fit in the clothes I used to wear and not be so body consious! I don’t overeat, probably don’t eat enough, but I been drinking my calories in excess.
I know it’s important to verbalize my journey and struggles to help overcome, it reminds me of my goals and makes it more real than just a thought in my head that I hide from others. I have been telling some of my closest friends and people I feel comfortable with. Now I am sharing with all of you who made it through this wall of text.