Broken Crayons


#1

As I approach 6 months, I have been reflective. What if? What if I never picked up a drink, what if I quit earlier? So much of my past is broken, drinking and unfortunate events have parked me at this point in time.

College graduate, former Naval Officer, FBI Academy hopeful. What if. What if I hadn’t had my accident in the service, what if I wasnt drinking hard then, could I have powered thru and made my dreams come true? What If I didnt have PTSD?Deep depression set in after my time was up in the Navy…what if I wasnt drinking? Where would I be. My past is littered with broken pieces.

There was a story on the news. A man goes to all the elementary schools at the end of the school year and collects all the broken and almost used up crayons. He takes them home, sorts them by color. He then melts them down and makes new crayons. He packages them, then delivers them to the schools in the poorest areas. Giving new life to simple colored wax, and joy to children that probably dont have the money for school supplies.

I am simply a broken crayon. God is simply melting me down, to reform me into something useful. My past has lead me to this point. God’s plan for me is greater than any dream I could have possibly dreamt of.

I am sober, I am happy, and for the first time in my life…that is enough.


#2

We can drive ourselves crazy with the what-if game. The broken crayons is a great way to look at it! We are all a little broken, that’s how the light gets in. Proud of you, you’re doing great Scott!


#3

Beautifully put…


#4

That was awesome, thanks for sharing. So beautifully said.


#5

But, then we wouldnt have you! I often ask myself if is change the addiction, if I had a do over. I think the answer is a resounding no. This addiction has taken a lot from me, but I also recognize the person I was before it. I was extremely self-centered, self-absorbed, conceited, Apathetic, and very unaware of how I came across and made others feel.

I’ve become very compassionate, seeing good in others and focused more on them than myself. I still lean towards my old self, but it’s a constant battle. If I hadn’t had something to force my hand, I would have remained the selfish person I was, ruining relationships and not even caring about it.


#6

Thank you @Thirdmonkey that was exactly what I needed to read right now. Gave me goosebumps. Time to work on my gratitude list!


#7

I am sober, I am happy, and for the first time in my life…that is enough.

Yep :+1:t3: not only enough, but our cup overflow-eth. I could live off sober & happy and nothing else indefinitely.

I’m not a ‘what iffer’ I like to think it took what it took & the horrific events in my life could not have unfolded, or led me to my good any other possible way. I’m grateful for the good, the bad & ugly if it all brought me to the here & now…and I’d do it again in a heartbeat!

Love the crayon analogy. I’d rather be melted & remade from the brave remnants of those who blazed the trail of recovery before me. There’s strength in numbers. And it’s an honor to carry some of their bits & pieces in me :slight_smile:


#8

It took what it took indeed. I heard something like that in a meeting this morning. My friend described it like filling a glass. It’s not full until it’s full.
That’s how it is for us. We aren’t full until we are full. It takes what it takes😉


#9

And great share Scotty! I really, really like your Broken crayons metephor.


#10

Stole it from a news story, this dumb redneck isnt that creative!


#11

Oh no no no. I bet the news story didn’t compare an old alcoholic redneck to the broken crayons being remade by God. That was all you brother


#12

God crafted that thought process


#13

Ha. Touché


#14

Thank you, Scott. I needed to read this tonight. What a wonderful share…


#15

My favorite book is “What if?”…a look at what might happen if something in the past changed…i.e. the south won Gettysburg…just how my mind is wired.


#16

I’ve never read it but it sounds interesting! I wouldn’t change a single thing about my past, I am who I am today because everything happened exactly as it did.


#17

Exactly! There had to be a perfect storm of pain and heartache to get me into the rooms of AA. If just one of those things happened different then I may have not quit drinking. If my wife didn’t break my heart or if I didn’t break hers I prolly wouldn’t have ended up at AA. I would still be out there and she would have eventually left.

But it didn’t work out that way. I now know that all that pain was nessesary. God gave it to us in order to bring us back together. God gave me that pain to get me into the rooms. And I’m totally cool with that😉


#18

Never feels like it at the time when its miserable and hard but there is always always always a lesson to be learned from the pain! Our past made us who we are and it can’t be changed but the future sure can with that new knowledge! :heart:


#19

@Joanie just something I reflected on.


#20

Thank you all for your wonderful posts @MandiH and @Gabe.G and at @Thirdmonkey. We all do the What-if-game from time to time and it’s getting us nowhere but the conclusion that everything had to be like it was to get us where we are now. And being happy is the best I could wish for and being sober makes me happy… That makes a spiral into happiness, doesn’t it? :wink: Thank you guys and this forum.