As I mentioned before my brother overdosed on MDMA, there was also MDA in his blood according to the autopsy report. Extacy in short. Although an alcoholic and recreational user of whatever is around, there was no alcohol in his blood, just clonazepam in very low dose as he took for insomnia as prescribed. We drank together on the weekends at the least but we both choose to drink at our own homes mostly. He often had people stop by, I have been a loner. I knew he did drugs and we had vague conversations about it but I never knew what or when he used. I found his body at his home, by myself, almost two years ago. My drinking took a different turn ever since, until recently I wanted it to stop for good. Now, I am not sure how to remember him on that day. I have no family or close friends here by choice. I wanted to be alone. I don’t necessarily want to drink on that day but he would have said “fuck it, life is short”. On the other hand , he would have been so proud of me for stopping drinking and making a fool out of myself in front of others, even though it happened rarely. I became a pro at hiding it. I was always on time, I worked, never hospital or detox, no drink and dial, no drunk driving. I am lost without him, starting from below zero. I am lucky to be alive to be honest.
I would love to hear from you.
Keep his memories alive in your daily life sober ,dont let him down wish you well
Thank you Angie, and you are right. I guess I am more mad than sad because we were like two peas in a pod. I only did not lose my brother, I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my partner in good days and the bad days no matter what, I lost a mentor even though he was ten years younger than me, my mirror image, I lost my pet and my plant…you know what I mean. I am mad that I lost him, just utterly mad.
So true. You should feel how you feel and not have to follow someone else’s rules. My degree was in psychology and I am a coach. The first thing I learnt as a coach was, the only transformational changes people make comes from them, not you telling them what to do/ how to feel etc.
Thank you Angie for taking the time to write. I am sorry about your loss too. I can only imagine. I have to tell you, it feels great to be understood. Much love.
I had two younger brothers pass away, about 2 yrs apart. I celebrate their birthdays in my own special way, but never even think about an anniversary of their passing. Personally, I know drinking would just make the emotions that much worse. It felt like all the healing and progress was wiped away when I drank.
I also told myself, I was going to live life on their behalf. Do the things I know they would had wanted, and cherish every moment I could. Alcohol wasn’t and never was the answer. I could feel the sadness of them looking down on me as I drank that poison. I know that’s what they didn’t want my life to be.
A little more complicated then that, but I can definitely relate to your feelings.
Thank you Mike,
I am sorry for your brothers. I am so sorry. I can’t even fathom the pain. My heart goes out to you.
I am not planning a relapse or trying to justify one in advance, I am just lost without him. This newfound sobriety was long overdue, I want to do something that makes sense. Obviously not drinking. Having said that, I don’t want to feel anything on that day at all. I have never been big on birthdays, he was. Ironic that he died on my birthday. So, I think I am going to treat it like any other day. No birthdays, no anniversaries, just ordinary days. Sober days.
Im coming up to a year since losing my dad (the 20th) and im not sure how it will be. When he passed it was on my 7 months sober, and when i got the call the next day (they are 2 hours behind us and my stepmom didn’t want to wake me up) im not gonna lie, i wanted a drink so badly. I reached out to friends from AA and they helped me. I don’t know how its going to feel this year, but talking to people will help.