Can see it coming/long story

So how to explain this. There’s this girl who’ve I’ve had an on again off again thing with for damn near 15 years. She always feels like the one that got away and when she shows up again every couple years we tumble back in bed and I tumble back in love and always get my heart ripped in half. It’s great for a while then as soon as things feel like we’re a Thing she bolts (I’m a lesbian which is a big part of the bolting I believe.) We began life as really great friends in our 20s (I’m 40 shes maybe 38? Anyway we’re grown up adults), and would get drunk and make out etc then she got married and disappeared for a few years and magically reappeared right after I broke up with my girlfriend. So then…you know. Then she disappeared again because her husband found out, yes I’m a top notch human being. (don’t worry I baked him a cake and wrote sorry I fucked your wife on the top because I belief in the power of a laugh. And then everything was fine). Fine until the second time, oops. K so then she goes off again for a few years with him gets a divorce and comes back in my life again. And I’m over the moon cause this is the girl right? So then I detox 1.0 (opiates) and I’m sure looking back in my head it’s FOR HER right cause I wanna keep this girl now and can’t be a shit show. So then when she bolts AGAIN a month or whatever after I’m clean I of course run back to dealer dude cause I’m sad and drugs kill the pain and yadda yadda. Anyway. Long story long she just popped back up. And I know I’m going to see her at my work on Sunday. And I know my hearts gonna do that flippy flop thing as soon as she walks in the door. I could just 1. Not go and ghost her for once. 2. Not go and tell her I’m just too newly clean to deal with her (22 days today) or 3. Suck it up and go any maybe we’ll all be fine and just ignore our history and pretend like all is fine or 4. Go and confront her after the event and tell her she’s a goddamn succubus and to leave me alone or 5. Sleep with her :woman_shrugging: or 6?? Whatever you guys say I should do.

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I’m sorry. I really wish I had advice for you. Sadly one of my girlfriends was the married one in her relationship. She always referred to the other girl as “her best friend” and after her divorce they lived together and she referred to her as “her roommate”. It was hard to watch. I know their relationship was more physical than best friend or roommate. But I don’t think it was done meanly, she’s not a bad person, just extremely complicated… I think she truly cared for this girl but just deep down was never going to commit to a same sex relationship. It’s been a long time coming but they have finally decided to go their separate ways.

I think you have to let this woman go too. Not out of anger or resentment…but out of love. You both deserve more.

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Oof i am so sorry youre going through this. It sounds to me though like you know what the best option for your well being is and maybe just need it reiterated or a second opinion to concrete it. I have BPD and her behaviors sound similar to shit i used to pull tbh. Someone who was very close to me was also hurt repeatedly and i kept pulling them back in. The best thing that came of it was when he cut me off. One day he messaged me and said he cared about me as a person and that he always would but that i was bad for his mental health and he needed to take care of himself. Then he blocked me. And i was at first aggitated that i couldnt respond but then i was ok with it because he was right, and if i cared at all i would respect that, and i did so i do. Im thinking hopefully it would be the same type of scenario for the 2 of you. If you explain to her why you cant do this again then she should hopefully understand if she cares about you. I think the worst option of all those is to sleep with her and pretend the past didnt happen, but i also think ghosting wouldnt benefit either of you because thered be no closure and itd be easier in a moment of weakness to reach out

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And also HELL YEAH 22 DAYS!!! Thats amazing! :smiley:

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She always feels like the one that got away

She feels like this to you, because, well she did. And for good reason. She’s not the girl of your dreams, she’s the girl of your fantasies, that never fits well into your reality. Stop forcing a square peg into a round hole.

#2 … and I’ll also suggest a #7 Never again. You’re toxic together.

You my friend, will meet a girl one day that blow this one outta the water If. You. Stay. Sober! Trust me, a better woman, is waiting right now & counting on you to do the right thing, for both of you… even though you haven’t met her yet, act as if you’re preparing for her now, cause you are :heart:

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Sounds like you have a chemical addiction, and an emotional addiction. Both make you feel good for a time, then wreck you.

I would recommend quitting both. Work on you.

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I mean logically I know all of you are absolutely correct. But the heart ain’t always logical. And I hate hate hate talking about my feelings like yuck. You guys don’t count you’re just words on a page not “real people” in my life I hope you know what I mean and aren’t offended by that. Actually having a face to face convo with this chick is terrifying. Like I love you but you’re terrible to me so go away?
Song of the day:

Side note because I posted that song and I’ve been pondering it a lot lately. Now that I’m not dumbed down with hundreds of milligrams of opiates every day I’ve noticed I’m REALLY into music lately. I used to listen to audio books and podcasts in my car now I crank up the tunes. This is weird because I work in the music industry, my entire existence is based around music and I didn’t realize how detached I was from it on drugs. And am remembering why I started to do what I do in the first place. So always looking for new shit to jam out to if you have a fav right now send it over.
Side not to side note: last night I drove right by my dealers house and it would have been SOO easy. Then We Are The Champions came on my playlist and I was like “FREDDIE MERCURY DID NOT DIE FOR OUR SINS JUST SO I CAN DO DRUGS AGAIN” anyway it was enough for me to keep on drivin. When in doubt play Queen.

I hear you on the talking about my feelings. I’ve been using alcohol to avoid my feelings for decades. Suddenly I feel like I’m supposed to act on and communicate these feelings yet I have had no history, no instruction, no support in doing just that. So I’m still avoiding them. And it SUCKS!! It doesn’t help us. It only makes things worse. So based on my own experiences I can only tell you want NOT to do. I’m still working on my courage to actually do something about it myself.

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I hear ya. I’ve considered getting a shrink but have yet to pull the trigger on that.

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I wouldnt do a face to face either. That sounds awful. A text would suffice. I mean has she given your better niceties? From the sounds of it no, she left you high and dry each time. Its always been on her terms not yours. So this time make it your terms and drop her. Theres someone out there better worth that time and effort because theyre going to put that same time and effort into YOU and make YOU a priority, not something simmering on the back burner

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Valid points. Can I just not go to the thing and if she txts me to see why I’m not there THEN get into it? Or is that a cop out? That’s kind of hiding from it all I suppose. Well fuck.

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Oh girl, I know this story too well! Although, somewhere along the lines I just said, “fuck it! I need to be alone for a while!”

Our relationships are incredibly emotional. We are two chicks for fucks sake! That throws a LOT of baggage into the mix. The Uhaul joke isn’t as much of a joke as we would like it to be, it’s mostly truth.

My advice? NO RELATIONSHIPS FOR THE FIRST YEAR OF RECOVERY! No matter what, put this rule first! There is a great reason for it! I have turned this rule into 2 years, because I’m at 21+ months and STILL in no way ready for that roller coaster. If for no other reason, put this rule over everything so that it’s easier to just say no to her (and your inner demons). It sounds like she’s never going to commit to a relationship with you. It sounds like she has been using you as a source for excitement for a long time.

As far as what to do about the event, I would not go. If she contacts you and asks you why, well that’s up to you to respond to. One side of me would just tell her that you are not someone she can get her jollies off with anymore. That you won’t be the person she can fuck and then fuck over. That if she really gave a shit about you, she would leave you alone. The other part of me, the more stable and less angry part, would just tell her nicely that you can not have this in your life right now, it’s dangerous to your sobriety.

No matter what, I would avoid her like the succubus she is.

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All of this!
Idk why I let myself think “this time will be different” every.single.time. Fuck er I’m not gonna go and let my mood decide if she txts me on how I answer lol though we prob should “talk about it” maybe just not on my day 30.
Also I’m gonna stop obsessing about it because it’s not Sunday yet it’s Tuesday and I got other shit to do.
My tongue will tell the anger of my heart or else my heart concealing it will break. William Shakespeare

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I just realized the event is Saturday not Sunday. Anyway doesn’t matter not going
K Bye

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Stay strong girl. I can’t even tell you how differently I feel about a lot of people after being sober a while. It didn’t happen all at once. One day I realized that this woman i was semi obsessing about was not hot or interesting or anything to me anymore. I couldn’t understand, for the life of me, what the hell I was obsessing over. Needless to say, it was a weird day. Haha, I’m not entirely sure what my tastes or my type is anymore. Weird!

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For a really long time my go to line was “you’re not straight you’re just sober” which I know isn’t as funny in a recovery forum…but still…I’m hilarious.