I’m laying here wide awake at midnight. I sent my wife a happy birthday text not sure how it will be received. I miss her. I miss being happy. I miss feeling whole.
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I’m sorry to hear that. Relationships with ones we used to count on that are now just out of reach are the hardest to repair. That is not to say it is impossible but it is a delicate process. Unfortunately the only way to repair the path is to work on ourselves. As hard as it is admit it is not for us to try to fit into there life we need to hope someday they come back into our new life and enhance it.
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The house fell silent just hours ago and the silence was deafening. The only movement in the still surroundings was the racing thoughts that tumble and roll around my brain. Playbacks of the past and projections of future possibilities torment me. Sorry is not enough and the words fall short of conveying the truth we want our loved ones to know. The battle to hold on and let go continue to rage. My life path is one I am uncertain of but as the suns rays slowly peak through the thick canopy it starts to light the way. I have read that the destination is of no concern but to live in the now and travel well is the true calling. Step softly and take time to experience all life has to offer. Just thoughts rattling around.
@Butch. I’m going to tell you reading your story reminds me so much of how I felt months ago. I don’t know if I’m the person to reply here but??? I was so hurt with all the feelings of love towards my ex. If I was on here and had made a post you could bet it was mostly over that situation. I was with one person for all of my life and I didn’t know how to be without. What is really sick is I can look back at my situation and see how she would try to hurt me (not to see me fail but to just cause pain) and then the retaliation I would act out with. Wow my marriage was a mess yes but it wasn’t bad it was two people that were hurt. I had hurt her in so many ways I can’t blame her for feeling anyway towards me. Okay now I don’t want to discourage you by any of this but the thing I had to do was find "acceptance " in what the relationship is/was/would be. It’s sounds so corny but it’s truly the case morn the loss of what you HAD. Build a better version of you and then you can strut your sexy shit off to her and see where it can go? I’m not going to lie it’s was hard to come to that spot but I had to for my sanity. And I know you are looking at my story going but damn you asshole I want her back and you are moving on. I know your life will work out the way it is supposed to. I hope it works out for you and your wife. But you can’t stay in limbo over that situation and expect to find a happy person inside. I am just sharing what I had to do for me. And yes just this week you have seen me post how my ex can still tear me up inside. I don’t like my life is changing in this area but I know I can’t stay in this spot and still grow in recovery. Do I think I’m past all my shit NO but most days I’m pretty good. You see me talking about dating and I don’t want to discourage you as to where I’m at in my progress because hell im still trying to find that out. I’m just sharing my story to give you confidence that you can make it. You don’t have to quit loving her either I’m saying you should try to focus on yourself and I hope that you find things will fit together with her. Okay wow that got deep and not deep enough?! Anyway I do wish you the best.
C-sun hmmm I’m still trying to put a finger on what I’m thinking about. I know you want to be so tough and show everyone you are strong and fine and… But I’m here to tell you it’s okay to just be. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut but every now and again I read mixed messages coming from your story and I think it’s that stage of recovery where you aren’t that old person and you aren’t quite sure of this new person so you are both and also hiding both(at times). I really don’t have any advice but I’m just trying to point out that you are still growing in recovery and it’s okay to not be so TOUGH.
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Thanks for all the replies. I love all the different perceptions and advice. Reading through helps me to see how I’m spinning my wheels and wasting healing energy dwelling on the things I cannot change. Sometimes I just look for that smack/snap out of it. I’m just going to try to spread my bad days further apart until they are gone. It has been an exhausting balancing act. I appreciate all of you for taking the time to read and respond to emotional ramblings. After reading I finally just said to my self to STFU and go to sleep. 
. It worked. Thx again for everything.
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Well my wife has been back from her conferences and I’ve yet to see her since she got back. I got into the book by eckhart tolles the power of now and it is an eye opener. I’ve focused on me and how I handle things. It is amazing how much my sadness has lifted and my anxiety dropped. We are supposed to talk Thursday to finalize our separation paperwork. I’m not thinking about it. Right now I have no problems. I’m sober, I’m in control and I’m in the moment. I just need to keep the momentum.
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