What it do, TS?
I was a little unsure about finding a support structure. I’ve never really thought myself an addict and to consider using something designed for people who often have their lives ripped apart by substance abuse, made me feel like I’d be abusing something not intended for me rather than getting the help I need. A part-timer. I realise now that I was wrong. I’m on a slippery slope and it’s better to come off now before hitting bottom.
To give context, I’m about intensity rather than regularity. I’ve suffered from crippling self doubt and anxiety for as long as I can remember. A part of me has always wanted to be competent, confident and open, and in my early teens, I found alcohol as a gateway to that. Only problem is, I have no sense of moderation. No chill. I’d go out, get hammered, turn the charm up to 11 and make a varied cast of friends and acquaintances. It seemed perfect.
As we got older, drugs came into the picture. A world of confidence without the slurred speech and patchy memories. It became essential to my weekend shenanigans but with mixing and increased endurance came the other side. Days of anxiety, triple however I felt in my lowest sober point. Three days sweating in bed, analysing whatever details and faux pas I could remember, waiting for a social meltdown that would never come either because I remembered it worse than it was or the stupid thing I did, everyone gave me a pass because it’s party behaviour and everyone does it.
The consequences were in my head but life is getting tougher. I’ve lost a lot this year and to add imaginary shadows in my head? I can’t live like that anymore. Now, I’m attempting to tackle my anxiety by pushing through them. I quit alcohol, marijuana and hard drugs last week. I’m still smoking cigarettes (baby steps, right?) but I’ve fixed up my diet to health foods and started sleeping better. My natural energy levels are at their highest and I’m finally tapping into a channel of confidence I only had while hammered by embracing a social system of ruthless honesty (no inhibitions?) about whatever I’m feeling at any given moment.
Already I can feel the world around me reacting positively to this change. Conversations with colleagues and strangers go on longer than a ‘Hey. You okay?’ ‘Yeah, you?’ I’m smiling more. I feel calmer and like I can be myself around people.
I want this to last forever and so after downloading the sobriety app, I decided I wanted to hold myself accountable but also share my experience with others who may worry they haven’t slipped far enough to get help.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read. Best of luck with clean living. I’m not far on my journey yet but every second so far has been worth it.