I have 53 days clean and sober. It’s like I have waves flood my mind of memories , and frustration. This life is delicate and beautiful I don’t understand how stupid I was and violent. I have had a year before two I’m sure. It’s just looking back and seeing the pattern of madness is discouraging. I know I’ll die if I drink now because for whatever reason I give up on myself so much when I have drink that I do meth and I fucking hate drugs. So whatever that is scares me. I’m doing well, still keeping my boundaries with my sons Dad. I didn’t see who he really is intel now. I’m paying the price he is a complete heartless creep expecting sex. Because he is fallowing through mostly with the support he promised when he begged me not to have an abortion , the reason I was very hesitant to have my son was because it had only been three months when I got out of jail and got my two children back. I definitely didn’t want to be in an other situation where I was under a careless mans thumb to abuse me. To feel helpless and have to protect my babies from the fights. I never wanted to go through that again. Here I am in it again, he is financially abusing me humiliation in front of my kids. At least he doesn’t live with me. So much pressure and fear. I ponder every day about what I’m going to do. I know this post is kinda confusing I’m just checking in and trying to vent. I must persist and succeed at my sobriety.
You can do this! I found out finally upon waking up that I cannot control anyone. We accept our disease and arrest its process by being healthy to ourselves again. If we don’t talk out our feelings we act them out (drinking, getting arrested…)and this drunk is done with acting out his feelings. Keep kicking lady! Have a great day.
I appreciate that a lot thank you, almost made me cry.
Try reading some “quit lit” like Alcohol Explained… I’m finding constant inspiration from books like that one.