I hope you can rest in your holidays. Enjoy them!! I I am waiting mine with anxiety
Day 15 sober. Tired , very tired but sober. I am almost in autopilot, and that is dangerous. I hope to rest soon. Lack of order and discipline had been always very bad for my addiction
Sorry to hear about this! This was me yesterday… tired AF… I imagine feeling the same way if I were in your position. Feeling a little better this evening?
What do you do for a living that requires this if you? Just curious.
Thank you Bill, I am aware of that function. There are many when we are writing a response. But not just want to give a quick response with an emoji to a comment. When we want to give a quick response using an emoji, like the thumbs up, heart etc. Total of five of them I think. Nothing to express sadness or disappointment like thumbs down. Thank you.
My girls decided to stop seeing my ex in July. He, too is a major narcissist, gaslighter and is verbally abusive. He definitely made me feel crazy and was doing the same to the girls. They decided “No More” and he’s now playing the suicide card.
This was part of yesterday’s darkness. Not really funny how his manipulation of them, by using threats of suicide, could throw me into such a dark, suicidal space. I was in it deep…knowing this man will always be a part of my life because we share kids. And then a faint light, “if there is no you, there is ONLY him for them.” That’s not going to work.
D25 almost over.
Feeling very like you described @ChicagoT.
2 challenging days, mentally bargaining off and on.
Loving feeling sober, yet I’m bored & forgetting how worried i have been about the harm ive done. Despite reminding myself over and over, I’m on the cusp.
Song for today is Eels - Manchild.
I was almost salivating for a drink this eve and even held a bottle, staring at it. The cravings passed after about 2 hours but it felt longer. My risk time is between finishing work and finishing cooking. Once I’m fed and watered all is well again.
Oh and I’m due on which means I don’t like my husband. Same every month. So that’s not helping
Still I came through it for one more day at least.
Stay resolute all. Off to sleep hoping for a better one tomorrow.
Thanks All for being there. Xx
Yes, we are looking into counseling. We all three have a different level of f*cked up, thanks to him. For me, not my first abusive rodeo, but the only one I ever had kids with.
Considering there’s a knife emojo, I wholeheartedly agree.
Exactly. Stay strong for them and don’t let him suck you under anymore!! Cut that cord baby!! He does not get to control any of you and none of you should own his issues. It’s seriously devastating stuff that seems to pretty much suck your soul out from under you. Have you ever considered counseling for you all? It’s a really really hard thing to find “normal” life after that type of relationship. I’ve been fully out of mine for 4 years now and I’m still recovering from it at times. It sticks with you until you heal the wounds the damage caused and there can be a lot of that left after. Hugs girl, so sorry you had to go through all of that. I’m here anytime you need to talk!
Day 146. A day can start heavy, an argument with someone you love, and end lightly with a house full of Italian spaghetti sauce smells and banana bread, reading Rumpelstiltskin in a British accent to a little cutie pie. Allowing myself to ebb and flow more, to let go more, is offering me the chance to be so much lighter, happier.
You probably won’t be surprised to know that he is a very highly respected government contractor – the best in his field. We get to see his special side.
Checking in. Day 19.
I feel a little better…shaking off the grouchiness a bit. I need to relax and read in front of the woodstove for a while.
Thanks for reaching out. I got to thinking about the things that @liv_m and @anon34614660 were saying about their difficulties and differences with their SOs and I got to thinking about my approach to the whole situation. I sat with the feelings for a long time today and I haven’t said much of anything. That’s better than my normal recourse of escalating the whole event into a big ol’ mess of a fight. I shared it here rather than blurting it to her.
I need to remember that I manifest my reality. If I call my marriage a dumpster fire, I’m going to do what I can to make sure that it ends up that way just so that I can say I was right. I’m the addict and I need to stay in my own lane and tend to my thoughts. It’s just so so so hard not to focus on her side of the fence.
I resorted to having a shouting match alone in my truck with my higher power a couple of hours ago. “How do I get past this?!” I hollered almost crying. Then @Yoda-Stevie stepped in and said “Forgive you must, There is no try, only do.” Green little jarhead was right.
Lately it just seems like every little disagreement we have results in me regressing into all the pain and unresolved resentments boiling right under the surface. Like I’m hypersensitive that I’m being taken advantage of. I suppose that was made even worse by my lack of sleep and my attitude regarding her Christmas party. You are a saint @Ac1z3k. I don’t know how you do the night shift thing.
It’s really hard not to get angry, and harder still to keep my mind from snowballing out of control. I literally rage shopped today. I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re trying to be the beacon of holiday spirit. I must have looked like such a fucking grinch.
I’m about to extend the olive branch and try to make an apology that makes sense to my wife. But before I do I wanted to ask the group if anyone felt that an ultimatum might be a good idea? If so, how do you frame it to someone who you believe has issues creating healthy boundaries? If my intuition is telling me that there’s more that I don’t know about, do I ignore it and pray for grace anyway?
Checking in day 233. Went to a beautiful restaurant that our friend owns and ate the most delicious 8 courses. Last time I went there I was so so so anxious about not drinking and I didn’t think I’d make it through sober (but I did). Tonight, it didn’t bother me at all, and I was so excited to be served a beautiful homemade grapefruit and rose soda, and an elderflower soda in a beautiful glass. It’s so important to take stock of progress! So thankful for the amazing meal, and that fact that I’m sober - a fact that never ceases to amaze me.
Not much to report except Christmas is pretty sucky for the “kids” (17&15) this year. But hey Im working on making things better by being sober. If I were dead it would be even more sucky. G’nite all.
End 69. Time for zzzz.
So happy to hear you are doing well. One day at a time. .Hugs
- In the books.
The highest of fives for you