Day 54 sober and cig free. Its windy as a miners bum here. Im off to see my mental health nurse soon for a touch base with her. Mayb a swim this afternoon. Peace out friends xx
Two weeks Sober:pray:!!!Grateful for you guys!!Have a Great Sober Day!!TGIF:v:
Day 227. My counter says ive saved $5900ish since 1st hopping on here about a year ago. Thats a decent chunk of change. Cool. When i first found this place I quit drinking “for Lent”. I went back out like a tasmanian devil after Easter. Quit for good on july 30th. I now go to AA, and am learning to live… not just not drink. My precious brother - some of y’all might recall me referring to him previously- has recently returned to AA and has a sponsor. I’ve been to 2 meetings with him. I saw him get his silver chip at the same place i got mine. To hold his hand at the end of that first meeting is something I’ll NEVER forget. I shed some healthy, thankful tears that evening. I thought he’d be dead by now. Hes still jobless and in free sober living housing. Turns out i was wrong about him still being alive by now. Me? Wrong? Well imagine that. Heh.
Anyway, I’m glad I’m on the top side of the grass too today. So glad y’all are sober. So glad I “know” people from this slice of the interwebz. Happy Friday from Alabama!
@Fireweed Thanks for the encouragement, my friend. It is really helpful and reassuring. Since giving up the booze, I have felt pretty cognitively foggy - maybe I was always like that but I was too intoxicated and living in my own little world to realise it. I’m been patient with myself, but it is still frustrating. I’m going to hold the thought with me that maybe it will improve with removing added sugar.
@Peace12 - i love froze grapes! It’s still cold here so I’m not yet shifting into eating cold things, but it is a good reminder. They are amazing on a hot summer day. I’m burning through lots of fruit, so it’s probably time to diversify.
Day 9 here. Not doing too well, but still going on.
- Really looking forward to the weekend. Travelling to see some family and friends tomorrow for a few days, but will be checking in. Feels pretty good to start the morning sober, no hangover and above 0°.
I can’t even make a week anymore . Fell short of complete day 7 by a few hours.
This is not a game, this is my fucking life and I’m showing what complete disregard and disrespect for my own body and mind in a continual cycle of destruction. It’s not everyday I self destruct but it’s happening too often and seems each time its getting more intense or each duration out is getting longer…
Sobering up now, it’s not regret I feel(well a little regret) but it’s a searching to understand why I willingly give up control of my own body bc of someone that doesn’t ask for it, doesn’t want to control it but I allow myself to be so heavily invested, tying my emotions to this person and right now that’s completely nuts on my end.
I kind of feel even worse now, want to be happy I got regular status bc I love this app, the people on it, the topics, the genuine fellowship helping each other in so many different ways and losing someone close lately, having this app has been such a blessing. So I was happy getting regular status but my negative mind set is just telling me, why are you a regular now? Not at all saying being a regular keeps you sober, lol that’s just being delusional but what I’m being negative about is, what if I’m just broken? I’m going to meetings 3-4 a week. I have a sponsor I call regularly and openly share with him and also attend 3 meetings a week with him as well for extra face time with him for imo more accountability. With my crohns I can’t handle what happens to my face after relapsing on meth and sometimes if the relapse is long enough on heroin or oxy as well. So I make sure to see him often for the extra accountability. I don’t really go on social media anymore bc it’s not toxic but really just time consuming with very little positive beneficial aspects to it. Simply just wastes time unless it’s the occasional big news from a friend back home in NY. So I work on taking care of my body, attend meetings, have a sponsor, use this app a lot to keep my head into the game of recovery, I read the big book for NA, and have started working on my stepwork book as well but I need to be more diligent with stepwork. So what’s missing that’s causing me to relapse, and idk if it’s even relapsing when it’s becoming a cycle since my DUI in September. I got about 50-60 days after it and then had a major relapse for over a week on meth. Since thanksgiving, if I’m being completely honest and holding myself accountable, I would have to say I don’t think I have had over 18 days straight. I use for 4-5 days then go broke and have to detox. I see only one issue and it’s my biggest issue and is poking its head out at me again and I feel like it’s going to break me. I have to change how I think… Sounds pretty simple lol. I start reading my books helping me in that area and frankly I always get so emotional, bc I start reading about my toxic behavior, how it developed, why it developed, why I struggle to fix it, how to fix it but I’m unable to attack the “how to fix it” bc I’m not giving my mind any actually time with sobriety. I feel 30+ days sober allows a clear head for the opportunity to develop growth and sustain it with working on my toxic behavior bc that is the root of my downfall.
Now being back to day 0, about 7 hours from smoking heroin last night. I don’t want to beat myself up to hard bc I have been having to “fake it till you make it” with positive attitudes and mindsets. I don’t mind that I’m faking it right now, bc even fake positive thoughts is better than my constant ugly negative outlook on everything creating so much toxic shit that gets large enough, it starts reaching family and friends bc I become a walking cloud of negative feelings and thoughts.
I’m very disappointed about last night. My way of white knuckling or blowing up is insane and destroying myself and if it’s blowing up, destroying the ones I love creating a bigger feeling and desire to get fucked up bc I keep thinking about them, how they are hurting, how I have lied and manipulated people to allow my inner brat child to get his way not caring about the person I’m seeking that attention or feeling from and what they want bc I’m selfish and if what you want doesn’t go with what I want, I will lash out expecting you to adapt your desires to mine.
I can see my downfall. Now I need to right the ship in the storm now instead of pick up the pieces after it crashes into the rocks.
So here goes it again.
Day 1. I keep wanting to be sober for others, bc I always keep thinking past today and worrying about the future and it’s ridiculous idea, of having to stay sober for the rest of my life!!! No drugs, No alcohol! I really feel a shift in that thought, I only want to be sober to be sober for other people bc they deserve a sober Daniel bc I don’t want to hurt them anymore. It’s changed this time, journaling earlier to not be on this app while high and I was thinking… I don’t want to get sober bc I’m very sad right now but right now I know I need to be sober for myself, I’m inching towards wanting to be sober for myself and I feel that growing inside me bc I’m seeing the other side right now, if I don’t get sober for myself here soon, I’m going to fucking die. I’m going to OD or kill muself driving loaded. I’m 31 and have teased my HP enough. One of these times I’m going to be loaded crash my car and either kill myself or someone on the road and I know I can stop that. I know I can end that possibility with being sober for myself bc it’s all I have now.
Just for today I’m going to pick 5 things about myself I love, none can be anything physical and I’m going to write them down in my journal today.
That’s awesome! 6k in savings is an incredible thing and sounds motivating to see what 458 days would be like having saved potentially 12k now! That’s really cool.
Do you have any plans or ideas rewarding yourself with some of the money you have saved?
This made me tearful this morning - what a beautiful gift.
Oh darling, I can tell how much pain you are in right now. Weren’t you looking into an inpatient rehab? Is that an option?
Things that have been important for me include:
-individual therapy by a trauma and substance abuse specialist 1-2x a week
-meetings 7-10x a week - at times when I was really struggling, I went to up to 3-4 meetings A DAY. I don’t know that I would have been able to stay sober on a few meetings a week. I needed to go AT LEAST daily, sometimes multiple times a day.
-contact other alcoholics DAILY
-reading sobriety literature DAILY
-journal and gratitude list DAILY
This is all fit around a full time job, so “I don’t have time” really can’t be an excuse for anyone (not directed at you Daniel, just a general observation).
Daniel, I pray for you to get the help you need and hope you are able to find an inpatient rehab or, at least, an intensive outpatient program.
The date was nice, I couldn’t stop to look into his eyes I didn’t know how to behave “correctly” bc I had no date in ages and no relationship since 10 years Let’s say I’m a little bit overwhelmed and somehow scared too?
We’ll meet again tomorrow to go to the cinema.
I’m still unsure if he might be the one to start a relationship with…sigh
Hey, at least I’m sober
Have a fantastic sober friday friends
Checking in on Day 20. The weekend is finally here. Easy workload today, and not a lot to do this weekend, unless I want there to be. Hahaha. Good meeting last night, discussing relationships and the effects alcohol has had on them…hit home for me. Curious if we’ll have another packed meeting on Sunday…
Have a strong day!!!
Sending hugs to you Silas Good to see you on here
I was sober for 30-some days before Christmas. I was experiencing so much emotional pain and discomfort - because I didn’t know how to and just wasn’t used to sitting with those feelings I first started trying to mask a long time ago… without giving in to the first drink.
I made excuses for my relapse, but in retrospect - this was why. I started all over again at day one of this 69 days. Each day I have made progress from day one. Sometimes I feel sad or frustrated, but I remind myself to ride the wave and get through.
I know you know all of this, and you had more time than me - you are capable of riding the waves of these negative feelings. It is so hard, but not as hard as what you are putting yourself through. You owe it to yourself to honor your progress by moving forward. We all know you can do it!
That’s what is crazy . I got a bed for my inpatient rehab. I’m trying really hard to figure this out. I’m really starting to lose hope in myself like something is just broken…
I start my inpatient rehab April 3rd and I can’t wait. I’m just scared of the next 3 weeks and losing everything before that day comes…
Sorry to hear you’re struggling. I sent you something I read yesterday on anger and resentment. This person you’re emotionally tied to doesn’t seem worth it at the moment. Try and focus on staying sober for just today. Call your sponsor, get yourself to a meeting (and stay! lol), stay away from your addict “friends”, surround yourself with sober peeps and turn your phone off if you have to. Be well and take care of yourself!
Relapsing so much and so often recently is really making it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m having a hard time faking it right now. I’m looking into getting back on my depression medication, something I thought I didn’t need 10 months ago and have been off it. But continually relapsing right now is really fucking with my head.
This person is not to blame at all and I def don’t want anyone to think that about the situation and them if it’s possible. I relapsed bc I chose to escape reality and that’s been the issue. Being terrible to this person bc of my addiction and lashing out hurting them for so long, I have to check back into reality and see that there was so much wrong with the situation bc of my actions that it’s really hard not feel a flood of emotions when I think about them…Yes I need to give space and really learn to deal and work on my side of the street but it’s the fact of how much I hurt this person, the guilt, shame, and just overall terrible person I was to someone special to me was and is eating me up inside.
Sometimes i just think, what’s the point… maybe I’m broken.
I have to be somewhere in 15 minutes and will reply to you when I can.