Day 137. This evening I randomly bought a 6 pack of my first N/A beer (a truly 0.0% alcohol, new beer from Heineken). I’m not even sure why I did, but maybe I just wanted to vary up the nighttime tea and Pellegrino routine. After 1 sip, there may as well have been a switch on my brain that says “activate alcoholic thinking,” because that’s exactly what it did. I drank 4 rather quickly before realizing the absurdity of what I was doing - pounding beer flavored water. But it was too late to stop the thoughts. Tonight was the first night that I lost 100% focus and felt weak, even thinking that I’d reset, just as punishment to myself for actually enjoying drinks that taste like alcohol. Barely below the surface I had random & weird thoughts pop up in my head, as if I had just started actually drinking. I wondered if would get up early enough to make pancakes for my daughter as she had asked me to do before bed. I thought about whether it was too late to get more n/a beer (what?!). I thought about taking the day off of any form of exercise tomorrow. I started hoping for bad weather so I wouldn’t feel guilty about lounging around all day. I thought about pounding water before bed, as I used to when drinking, in a futile effort to wake up without feeling like shit. All from a few beers that have zero alcohol. Then the thoughts shifted to my true love, red wine, & how fucking much I miss it in my life. I guess the lesson here is that alcoholic thinking, for me, starts long before taking an actual drink - and I better work on that, fast. Just writing this is making me anxious. Back to 100% focus and commitment tomorrow.