Hi
This post really brighten my day. I’m so happy to hear that things are going great for you.
Good job, keep it up 
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Thank you @Rockstar24777 Rob, @MrsOdh Sophia and @M-be-free49 Emm, your kind words mean a lot to me.
Today is a big day. I am going to a restaurant with my dad. Really looking forward to it.
I am however afraid my stepdad may die since he hasn’t had such a big edison-crisis before. He still isn’t conscious.
I don’t want him to die, because death always hurts. But on the other side I do want him to die so that he doesn’t have to suffer constantly anymore
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Day 2 alcohol day 0 binge eating
Meh. The emotional effects linger so bad. So dumb. Forced myself out for what turned out to be a mini run, then just binge ate at convenience store and binge watched tv. There is a pd opportunity that I will apply for, and have plans to meet a friend for coffee next week, so trying to get my idiot ass back into some semblance of doing something.
Forgot to say - thanks to those who reached out and gave support.
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- Midday. Still undecided what to do with my second weekend day. If I wait much longer it’ll be nothing. OK, will do some chores. And choose and cook another recipe from my current favourite cooking book. Made during lockdown, featuring recipes from some of the best chefs in Holland. Easy stuff with mostly basic ingredients. It’s great. The concept is also great for successfully staying sober and clean btw. Keep it simple all. Not one sip, drag, snort, swallow, injection. None. One day at a time. We can do this. Together. have a good day all. Love from Amsterdam.
@anon89207786 That’s a mixed bag for you Jan. Stay solid friend. Strength to you.
@Misokatsu You’re here now. That’s what counts. Onward and upward. Glad you’re here.
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- I know I said I was back in my spirit, but thruthfully I’ve still been a bit miserable. Very lil motivation for things. And needing to practice what I preach on here, I said the other day I need to just take life and learn from it and stop expecting this or that and I’m just having a hard time applying it.
I’ve been working the steps in my own way, I’ve made ammends with a few ppl I felt I was rude to growing up, I admit I’m powerless over alcohol and I do believe in God, I’ve asked him to completely take my obsession away which I do believe he has, I’ve tried finding my spirit and doing meditations, I’ve been digging to try to find what I’m truly afraid of and honestly I just can’t find it, the biggest thing I find is that I still care what ppl think of me…like alot.
I walk into my house, and I’m already mentally prepared for my mother’s grouchyness from watching the girls, so therefore I come into the house grouchy and then I’m snappy towards the girls myself. Soon as she comes home she is snappy, and if I even try to say anything she huffs and puffs. It’s all really bottling up inside me, it’s time to get out but literally it can’t happen I’m am stuck, I don’t have nor will have the funds to move, I don’t have furniture, I don’t have money for a babysitter, I dont have a license to get them to a babysitter. Things have gotten better between me and my mom, but the toxicity is still very much alive in her. I try to be grateful I really do…but idk why god won’t get me out of this
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Day 21.
Prayer,meditation, and check in🙏🏻
It’s been a really good week,Thanks for the help TS Tribe.!TGIF!Stay Safe and Sober 
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I’m so sorry that you have to struggle with all this. I can relate to the thought about “Why doesn’t God takes me out of here” I’m not trying to take your beliefs away from you. Everyone is free to believe whatever they want, and we need to put our hope somewhere. However I’m not a believer myself after realizing that God has little to do with our situation, the only one who can truly change it, and take you out if there is you.
I understand if the situation feels hopeless and that you don’t have much of a choice for now, but maybe it would help talking with your mother about how y’all feel? Or maybe you’ve got a friend or other family who can occasionally help to watch the kids so your Ma gets a break?
Or maybe you both would feel better making a plan on how you can get your own place if that’s the goal?
I’m not trying to judge you, just give you some ideas on how to make it feel just a little bit better.
I hope your days are getting brighter and wish you all the best. 
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Day 37 begins with singing bowls and chirping birds. The pale light filters through the darkness. My day begins as a sober being seeking positive connections
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I don’t feel judged and appreciate any feed back. I never I have been to church and never believed in god either. I also never before on any of my attempts on sobriety asked for his guidance and help either, I’m now 165 days sober since I prayed to him and asked him for his guidance so I definitely do believe in him now. I definitely understand he can’t help me with everything or take me out of situations, he can only guide me I have to do the rest and I do understand that.
Unfortunately I make to much for any type of assistance with living, but at the same time don’t make enough to afford anything, I wouldn’t be able to put clothes or food on the table with the cost of rent. My mom and step father are the only two ppl who I have to help me in this town. I do not have any friends at all and yes I’m serious at all. I can’t afford a babysitter, and I try talking to my mom, she denies any of it and says she is fine. Or throws the fact that she pays the bills and this and that, talking to her always just turns into a defensive narrccist, who makes me feel bad and like I shouldn’t of said anything at all. She will most likely tell me to stop trying to control everything and if you don’t like it then go move somewhere else bc she knows I can’t move . I have 3 therapist, one is a drug therapist, one is a psychologist and then one is supposed to help with finding a place to live but the covid slowed all of that up
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Absolutely I understand. Only I can make the change I get that,I do love myself some days and have made steps into loving myself and stop caring what ppl think. Never use to wear sunglasses and small lil things. I was in a happy place and just atm can’t get it back.
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Day 6… believe it or not but I had doubts that I was an alcoholic. Crazy lol I know… I have been trying my ass off to stop drinking for 7 months now with no luck. That little devil in my head said “Why are you going through all this trouble when you might not even be an alcoholic…” “Maybe you have been magically healed!” Haha. MAN… I think coming into this acceptance of my alcoholism will be good. Its a little shameful though I am not going to lie. Especially when I cant talk to my mom about it because its like she doesnt want to believe it.
This last jump off the deep end really gave me a new perspective. Sobriety is probably something I have to work on daily maybe for the rest of my life. 
For now I am going to keep counting my days. I thought I was ready to just “go about my life”… but I am not.
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yeh!!! 3 weeks is great 
proper pleased for you.
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The big FIVE OOOOOO proud of you lady. 
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I like it, but it discolor everything, the cup, the kitchen, the zink, my clothes. It’s not worth the mess. I’ll stick to my pumpkin spiced latte
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Congrats on 50 days, that’s awesome
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Charlie-great to hear. It’s moments and times like this that make you feel grateful to be sober. Remember this whenever you’re struggling. So proud of you!
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Hi @anon89207786 I wanted to share something with you. In 2001 my wife died, in 2004 my grandfather was murdered my, my 11 year old son died and my Mom died. I wanted to say that the one thing that all of their deaths had in common was the fact that if they had continued to live their lives would of only gotten more painful for them. My wife would have been on breathing machines, my grandfather was in so much pain he wanted to commit suicide, my son had cerebral palsey but started having violent seizures and my Mom was still an active alcoholic while on dialysis and in extreme pain. I want you to know that I’m proud of you for being strong through this and it’s been my experience that God has mercy on those who are suffering so even as sad as it is I believe you can make it through this because you have the right perspective of not wanting him to suffer. I’m not sure if this helps it’s hard for me to explain clearly. Have a great day today you both are in my prayers 
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Mike-I’ve mulled what you’ve wrote over a little as you and I are very similar in the sense of we give two shits what people think. It’s why I drank-that and to rid of the anxiety that people gave me. I’m now 501 days sober and I have to tell you from where I stand it does get easier. Don’t be so hard on yourself…with 165 days under your belt you’ve discovered so much more about yourself than most do in their lifetime. Take what you’re your finding out about yourself and process it…give yourself time to fully understand why it is you care so much about what others think. For me, it probably happened when I was a year sober that I stopped giving two shits. Anyone who knew my situation with my liver looked at me as if I was some struggling alcoholic who fucked up their life while others said I deserved it. I used allllll that negative energy and worked my ass off to put me in the best damn shape of my life at the age of 30. I got my degree and personal training certification and continue to pursue my dreams. And I see YOU are doing the same thing. Do what makes you feel good and I promise you, you will start giving less and less shits about what others think. The more confidence you build, the less validation you’ll need from others and that, too, comes from racking up more and more sobriety days. Keep coming here, pal. You make us all better people. Have a good one
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You’re the best!! I’m on day 4 of a pretty wicked headache and I don’t think my brain is working lol. I couldn’t think of anything to say. BUT I did have an amazing day with my 24-year-old daughter yesterday. Then her sweet boyfriend joined us for dinner. They want to move into my apartment building. I would be so freaking excited to have them here!! I can’t say enough how grateful I am that my kids are giving me a chance 
It’s funny. The other day when you were talking about a camping vacation, I was thinking the same thing. To take my girls up your way to either hike, camp, fishing, whatever. Too funny. Who knows now with all that is going on. We’ll figure something out 
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