That sucks but really it is a blessing in disguise. Watching the news after that tragic condo collapse, unsafe living arrangements are just scary and there are so many unkept building around. I am glad they are keeping you and the kiddos safe.
Enjoy your pedi.
Sorry to hear that Patty. Real bummer. But a very smart move on your part to walk away. I’ve sunk a lot of money into a couple of houses that I thought I could fix up. In the end I wished I had just walked away. Good for you.
Enjoy your pedicure with those beautiful girls. That sounds like a great reward.
@littlemisschatterbox @Its_me_Stella @Dazercat Thank you all for your kinda word they are very much appreciated!
Checking in
Thanks everyone for all the congrats yesterday, I picked up my 18 month key fob from the NA meeting. It was a good meeting as usual, someones 1 year cake and a member took 30 days. 30 day chips are always my favorite to celebrate because it was the hardest for me. And well a year… its just really cool to see someone take a year. 
After those meetings I always drive to the beach to watch the sunset alone. Last night one of the male members asked to go for an icecream, I declined but told him he could join me to watch the sunset if he wanted. He agreed and met me at the beach. He then proceeded to jump quickly into a conversation about how lonely he is… at night. What the fuck? I said I was not. He said… " some nights you must be" I replied, " nope, mostly lonely during the day while I am walking my dog wishing I had someone to talk to." Needless to say I finished watching the sunset, he proceeded to light a cigarette and I excused myself.
I am so completely not interested in that shit. I just want friends. I honestly can not imagine ever being sexually intimate with a person again. I think something is wrong with me. I have completely shut off, I have gone from one extreme to the complete opposite and it feels weird. It’s probably the BPD, I probably need a shrink.
I am grateful I have amazing friends to call and laugh with about it because if I didn’t I would probably get too into my head and hard on myself.
On to tackle another hot ass day clean.
Thanks again for your love and support.
There’s nothing wrong with you. We’re in recovery and recovery comes first. ALWAYS.
Checking in at the end of day 178.
Thought a lot about drinking today.
When it comes down to it though, I just don’t want to drink.
Close friends who we have known for 15 years here in Singapore, one of whom is my wife’s best friend, came over for the very last time before they leave the country and move back to France. It crossed my mind to drink with them one last time, for old times’ sake - but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t drink anymore. 
Have a great sober day, wherever you are.
Goodnight. 
I finally get how to read, scroll and comment 
On my day 57
@Thirdmonkey That’s great! Congrats on your new old job!
@Freeyourmind Gefeliciteerd met deze mijlpalen!
@Fnkychic what does your gut feeling tells you about your sponsor, is she the right one for you, you think?
Still sober but my mind keeps wandering to booze almost the whole day. Wont’ do it. I just know I will wake up happy and clear minded tomorrow! For now I’ll sigh it away, I guess.
Have a good eve everyone!
Thanks Sanuk! Jij ook lekker bezig, stay strong, you got this!
Classic 13th stepping right. And there’s nothing at all wrong with you. It’s where you’re at in your life right now. ODAAT goes for more than just using, boozing and other addictive stuff. Hugs friend stay cool 
1Y 9M 6D
Tomorrow will mark 20 days until my mission is complete. That gives me a month to lay down the ground work for my transition back to Civilian life. I’ll be ready. Thanks for hearing me out. Love you all ^.^
I keep letting my self down. And I hate it, it breaks my hart. The feeling is so overwhelming, Im just so deeply sad. All I wanna do is cry and cry and cry, feeling really sad.
This sounds great Laura, I am going to add it to my phone so I can hop on.
xxx
I am sorry that you are feeling so terrible. We hit our rock bottom when we stop digging, I didnt stop for years. Consequences did not matter to me, the pain did not matter to me, it took me so long to finally surrender to the fact that I am powerless. It was a hard, hard truth for me. I have been powerless my whole life and accepting I was powerless over something else was very difficult for me. It is what I needed to do though in order to heal and get over that hump. To get over that chaos of the revolving door that kept slamming me in the fucking face.
One day you will throw your arms in the air and surrender. One day the pain will end and we will be here to help you up. Just dont ever stop trying.
No I have not been to meetings. I have been looking at it today, there is No meeting here I live atm caus of the Covid. I know I need to do something different, just not what. Im sure meetings would do me good. I will look more into that, maybe there is something not to far from where I live.
I always start out great with No drinking and I quikly feel better and feel the difference, Really feels good. But still, after 7-12 days, I fuckup go drinking, and then it on, I dont stop. It all ends in hating my self for doing this. I dont understand why when I feel how good everything is not drinking.
I will NOT give up.
@Its_me_Stella thank you for your reply. I feel I never hit rockbottom or I have lots of times. Now its about 8years since I started drinking like a normal person and all of a sudden it got more and more out of control with me ending up like this alcholic that I am. I know Im more than that, I just need to find her again. Im tired of drinking, not having energy, not doing nothing at all beside work and drink and not sending the time with my Kids. Im tired of feeling pain and being scared. I just want to be free!
Hitto vieköön! Ihan hirveä kohtalo 
I understand this feeling very well. I was living my rock bottom for so long that it became my norm. You just have to become willing to do ANYTHING… and i mean anything. Try anything even if it seems ridiculous and it feels uncomfortable and you " know" it wont work for you but you just try it anyways.
I get you 100% more than you could ever imagine I get you on such a deep level. I relapsed on alcohol, I was a drug addict who thought that I could drink socially once I was clean from drugs. I thought I had it under control, I thought I was doing ok I had no idea I would slip into chaos with alcohol.
This is the hardest part of active addiction for me, that inner battle of wanting freedom and being powerless. Of wanting a way out and not knowing how. What I did was I looked around me and I saw what other people were doing who had gotten out of the chaos and I just became a fucking parrot. I did not know how to live a clean life but they did so I did what they did and it didn’t matter to me if I believed in what those people were talking about I just wanted freedom. So if you want it as bad as you say you do, you will get it. I believe in you.
Checking in after a long anxious day (another day 1). Looking forward to my bed tonight! Every time I think “what if I get tempted to drink again in a few days and cant stop myself?” I feel panicky, scared! I don’t ever want another day 1 again! X
SIX months sober today. I don’t often post or share any words of wisdom …… but today I can honestly hold my head up high and say I’m really proud of myself. After so many false starts my life has changed so very much. I am blessed……. Never ever give up
@carlito2 @JLove congrats both on your week 
@SoberWalker sorry about your son
@Alfa07 welcome back 
@Freeyourmind congrats on 7 months
@Andi20 congrats on double digits
@LaurieVee congrats on 3 weeks
@Complicatedmama sorry about the house
324 days no alcohol.
292 days no cocaine.
18 days no alcohol.
A nice calm day. Enjoying the peace from my kind while it lasts. Did the exercise. Tomorrow is ED therapy so I’m looking forward to that as it’s been two weeks since our last session because she was off last week. Bit embarrassed and anxious to disclose all of the nightmares I’ve recorded, but will be interested to hear feedback.
Greatfull to be alive and well today, clean and sober able to be here post and read inspiring posts from everyone!!! Keep it simple and take it ez, God Bless you all in your trials and tribulations…
