After almost ten years, I paid off one of my student loans today and the other is soon to follow.
These payments have been a monkey on my back for so long, but I stuck to the grind. I’d find out after getting sober I was probably about to lose my job. Instead made amends, earned promotions in the process, and have been fortunate enough to keep paying this shit down quickly. Even saved up a small nest egg.
For all I know I could still lose my job tomorrow. But if nothing else I’ll at least be totally debt free for the first time in as long as I can remember!
Life rolls up on us every fucking day. Its really hard to retrain ourselves to think the exact opposite way some of us have thought our whole lives. I am trying to learn detachment and how much attachment is healthy. Where to draw a boundary and what that really looks like in my life. What is appropriate behavior from me and what isn’t.
In NA they say women with the women , men with the men for obvious reasons. The area that I am in and the homegroup I am in is really lax in this regard. I have been in the homegroup now for about 9 months and a male member asked to do a " meal/meeting road trip" on Friday. I have done this type of thing with another male member and it was fine, he is single and I had made it very clear that I was not interested in any type of relationship. The guy from this weekend is married and for some reason when he asked it felt different to me. I agreed to go,but when Friday came I was starting to get very uncomfortable. My anxiety was getting higher and higher, I was already feeling like shit, then I started to forecast what the night was going to be like based solely on past experiences. I had almost talked myself out of it when he text saying he would meet me in 30 mins. I “prayed” on it and with some reluctance I went. The evening ended up being exactly what I needed, there was nothing “weird” about it, it was casual, super fun, chill and I overthought everything as per usual.
The more I heal the more I realize how damaged my perspective of people and relationships has been by the behaviors of other people and myself. I have the most unhealthy view of interactions between men and women, so much so that I automatically thought every car at the river had a couple in it engaging in sexual activity. BUT that was my reality… that’s all I know.
I am so grateful for the men and women that are healing in recovery and are able to (without realizing it) teach me daily what it’s like to really be a human being. That they can help me trust people and help me see my poor views so that I can have some compassion for myself, my life, and change the way i see things. I would have missed out on a very fun evening if I had let fear lead the way on Friday… I am being lead by faith now.
I’m very glad for you that you weren’t scared away dear Stella. And thanks so much for sharing. Gave me some good insights in my own workings. I just realized it’s one of the reasons 90% of my friends are female. With males, especially gay ones for sure, there’s always my messed up perception, my unhealthy view of interactions as you so aptly say it, only for me it is between men and men.
I have no gay friends exactly for that reason. Which is rather sad for a gay guy like me. The heterosexual ‘typical’ males I don’t feel much rapport with. Women are more naturally my friends but they also are more safe for me (despite some confusing and conflicting feelings at times, but that’s another matter). Gay men always come with thoughts and memories of sex. And sex only. My messed up memories. The messed up way in which I first engaged with sex. Yes I am scared to ‘just’ meet gay guys.
I got a long way to go, but what you just wrote helps me. Fuck fear. Big hugs.
Checking in Day14
Sooo wishing I was home right now. Work has been hectic. My client is not feeling well and she has had many large accidents on the floor. She seems fine otherwise but we are waiting for her medication to be delivered. I have 3 more hours to go of work. Then home to relax and have a good supper. Need some rest today I think and a nice hot shower
@anon42928441 thank you @Tito23 congrats on the new job @Hazy feel better soon @Fury thank you for making a difference in all those people’s lives @Twizzlers congrats on doing what was best for you and your recovery @SadMemeQueen I can appreciate why you are stressed, there’s a lot of trauma there, I’m sorry you had to experience such pain. Do what you feel is safest and best for you and your recovery, sending strength @Eke congrats on 3.5 years and on your financial progress @Seb congrats on your month @Letthesunshinein your disease is definitely a liar, I’m glad you recognised it for yourself and realise how scary the idea of picking up again is, sending strength @Gbw3006 welcome congrats on 3 weeks
@Mbwoman congrats on 11 months @anon86198612 I love Gabor Maté, read the book, it’s eye-opening. @Kacialyn congrats on your week @Charlie_C enjoy Disney with your family @zzz it’s good to see your screen name, let us know how you’re doing when you’re ready @Butterflymoonwoman congrats on 2 weeks I hope the rest of your shift passes quickly @TigerMatriarch feel better soon @Its_me_Stella I’m glad you had a fun evening ‘fuck fear’ is a great motto
545 days no alcohol.
10 days no cocaine.
7 days no binge-eating.
Yay for double milestones I honestly feel the most free I’ve ever felt in recovery, and the most ‘me’ I’ve ever felt too, I don’t know how much that’s got to do with the new medication I started on Friday, or whether it’s because my relapse taught me all there was left to learn about my cocaine addiction; even after 459 days clean I can’t get high from it, and if I ever use again it will kill me. Also the Diabetes has given me more strength to say no to binge urges and junk food than I’ve ever had in my entire life. Here’s to silver linings!
I cried, sobbed actually, only for five minutes, but it was the first time in around 2 years. I was watching the second half of the program I tried to watch last night but needed to sleep half way through, and one of the performers sang ‘The Power Of Love’ by Celine Dion. (I’m aware Jennifer Rush sang it too) I was instantly transported back to my first childhood home, in the time after my mum passed away, when my dad would blast his Celine Dion album on a weekend, and I’d be sitting in my room sobbing my heart out the entire time because I just wanted, needed my mum, and I felt all the pain I felt back then in one hit, it’s been a long time since I cried over my mum’s death, in a way it’s good to know I’ve still got access to those feelings, and I will talk about it in therapy next Friday.
Sorry for not being able to like the last 25 or so posts, I ran out of likes again!
Tears are sooo healing!!! I’m glad u were finally able to have some release after sooo many years. Thinking about my childhood (the good and bad memories) always makes me cry. Idk there is something so healing about just letting those walls down and being vulnerable. Being in a safe place where u can open up and feel free to just feel. I’m proud of you! Proud of u for fighting and winning!!! ODAAT
Checking in, day 29! It will be 1 month of sobriety for me and my fiance as of midnight tonight
Life is starting to get a bit more routine now thankfully and the sugar cravings are getting a bit easier to control!
Happy sober Sunday every one!
Checking in Day14
Omg!!! My hubby just called He decided to stop by this fish store that is near us while I was at work and got some bright colored fish and frogs and gravel and equipment and food for them and plants and statues n stuff for our fish tank that we have had since Xmas (which was given to us by a friend). We wanted fish but we didn’t have the money to get it going. What a nice surprise!! I wanted a pet And I find fish very therapeutic too. They are nice to watch! I can’t wait to see the tank once I get home!
Here is a fish named Einstein. He’s the store mascot!
@Butterflymoonwoman I am so glad to hear about your fish tank I bet it will be very therapeutic! Also love the picture of the fish haven’t seen one like that before. Take a pic when yours is set up.
I’m really proud of you for staying strong Des. Having it right there in your home is the most difficult situation but you did it. You got through it without using. That’s huge!!
I know it’s easier said than done but don’t let his name calling get to you. Remember…hurt people, hurt people. Sending you big hugs.
Wow, that’s a really bad experience Des. And a very tough spot to be in. You made it through though. Yay you! I hope and think this experience will make you and your sobriety stronger. Proud of you, hope you are of yourself too. Hugs & love friend.
congrats on 3 weeks 
I honestly feel the most free I’ve ever felt in recovery, and the most ‘me’ I’ve ever felt too, I don’t know how much that’s got to do with the new medication I started on Friday, or whether it’s because my relapse taught me all there was left to learn about my cocaine addiction; even after 459 days clean I can’t get high from it, and if I ever use again it will kill me. Also the Diabetes has given me more strength to say no to binge urges and junk food than I’ve ever had in my entire life. Here’s to silver linings!
So pleased for you, I find fish therapeutic too 
I think I’m going to watch him during the day and see how that goes, then I’ll go home to sleep. I’ll be updating here 
