Congratulations on your 90 days Roland.
Nice screen 
Aināt that the truth though 
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Itās insane to think that in a little over a month Iāll be a year clean. Iām doing ok today. Ended up falling asleep last night before I started to feel bad. Nothing of note today. Will update if anything changes. Much love
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Day 8ā¦ it was a good day.
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congratulations 
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oh this is good
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Day 6 you big mother trucker. Your doing great mate
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Day 106
Yesterday was very heavy and burdensome for me.
I was keenly aware of every movement and sound around me, untrusting of everything and everyone. This brought me back to different occasions in my memory roladex which I could compare ā¦ When unspeakable acts were committed against me and I was on a mission to remain calm and alive.
So ā¦ yesterday I can not pinpoint what exactly happened and why I was experiencing such things.
I turned off my phone, blocked many people from social media and phone who most likely do not and would not have my safety or life in their best interest and even went as far as questioning my own best friend. (Hands down this man has my back through and through)
I had a good house meeting with my fellow gals and tucked away to sleep.
Then a knock on my window came around mid-nightā¦
Non other than my bestie making sure I was safe, the house of girls was safe and making sure my mental health and emotional state was in check.
I am so blessed. For real!!!
This man knows the dark depths of the street life yet he was kind and gentle enough to boldy come to my recovery house and knock on my window to make sure I was good.
Thatās somethingā¦
My own dad wouldnāt do that for meā¦ But this BFF did.
Hallelujah!
In those moments while chatting with my bff out front of my home in his car I was able to release alot of my fears and memories that I had not spoken about nor even remembered for over 4 years.
Iāve been violated on so many levels and yet that didnāt even stop me from diving into the underworld at a harder, faster and unrelenting pace. And whatās so sad about this truth of mine is that I never needed to go there.
My parents are still happily in love and married. Iām college educated, no childhood trauma or stuff and we never hurt financially and so forth. I was just an idiot, bored and maybe spoiled brat. Wellā¦ I didnāt have any spiritual backing. Perhaps this was the hole in my coreā¦ Missing my purpose and value was ā¦ Is the fact that Iām a spiritual creation.
One woman I know puts it this wayā¦ WE ARE CELESTIAL BEINGS WRAPPED IN A MEAT SUIT.
LOL!
SOā¦ After being so wonderfully surprised by having a friend GO Hard for me as I go hard for othersā¦
I slept well and woke up feeling pretty fricken fabulous.!
Itās sunny here in Colorado and do you know that we rolled around with the music loud and our skin showing. Feeling pretty good today.
Amen.
God bless yāall.
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The past year has been about counting those days and staying sober. Much thought being given to year 2 and how I can make changes in how I move through this world. I need more than counting days!
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Hey 
ur doing great! What do u have planned for tonight that can help u stay on track? The 3rd day used to be my relapse day 
but it truly does get easier. U just gotta get over that hump and show urself that u can get passed it
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It sure is. Thanks my friend
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Good for you!! Iāve heard many say that quitting smoking was more difficult than quitting drinking. I personally did not find that to be the case. I just think that anything we cling to for ācomfortā is difficult to do without.
Keep up the great work!!
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Checking in
Day15
Tonight Iāve been cranky, irritable, & resentful. Honestly it feels like im burning out. Just overwhelmed and sooo badly needing quiet time and time to myself. I usually only get that opportunity around 10pm everynight when I have a shower. And quite frankly, sometimes I just go in the shower to drown out noise and drown out my thoughts. Thatās the best way for me to be mindful and in the moment before bed so I donāt try going to sleep all irritable and upset.
Iāve really been trying to do the next right things these 15 days and keep on top of my distorted thinking, managing my emotions in a healthy way, turning my will over to my HP, being kind and loving towards allā¦ and honestly itās alot of work! Someday I wish I could just be okay with being cranky and rude and not giving a crap about anything. But thatās the āold meā. And as much as sometimes I think it would be easier just to not give a Fā¦ its just not true. Itās harder to be that way and I really donāt want to leave a trail of garbage and destruction behind me. Iām no longer that crazy, messed up, spinning, destructive tornado that I used to be (well I try my hardest not to be anyway). Iām keeping my faith up knowing that it will hopefully get easier and get more 2nd nature to be a kinder, more level headed person 
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Welp. Iām gonna have to hit bed soon. I shouldāve been in bed at 8. Tomorrow is new job day. Iām not tired now and Iāll probably be awake all night. Gotta set both alarms. Afraid if I take the Seroquel Iāll sleep too long. And I got a chest x-ray because they heard a heart murmur when I went to have my blood drawn. Turned out to be a ānoduleā, possibly ācalcifiedā. So Iāll be thinking about that too. Anyway, Iām gonna make myself eat and crawl into bed. Iāll let you know how work goes.
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Iām feeling better now. Ate my dinner earlier and my craving has subsided. I find that really helpsā¦ But it helps more to know I can check in here and get support. Thank youā„ļø
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Ur welcome! I find it helpful too. Often times when Iām craving its bcuz Im needing something and Iām not noticing it. Like being hungry or tired or needing quiet time or self care etc. Once I stop to notice what I need and take care of itā¦ the craving subsides too proud of u!
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I hope you can get some quiet time tonight 
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Awe thanks I will soon. Gonna hit the shower in a couple hours and sleep thanks for the well wishes!
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Really hoping everything is alright and that u get a good rest
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