Yes definitely. My eldest is nearly a teenager so not sure how much longer we will have like this. Glad to have this time together.
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Day 591
Still grumpy. Husband didnāt help matters by asking āIs ur weight ok? Has it gone up recently?ā Actually, it has gone down recently, and HIS weight also nearly went down too, down the weight of two testicles.
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why would he say that?? I am beginning to think your grumpiness is an entirely reasonable reaction to him.
I hope you find some peace in your day and feel better soon
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I did put on weight at the start of Covid and when I first quit drinking. I have been struggling to get it off, and have struggled with binge eating, but my bmi is still normal range - just.
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Most women I know put on weight in that first lockdown, we were all struggling with getting back into work clothes after furlough (and wearing bras again, strange times 
) Everyone fluctuates, I am desperately trying to get back to ānormalā weight after putting loads on when ill and walking with a stick. Going in the right direction now!
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So last december I finally moved into my own appartment after a break up back in june.
It was close to impossible to find a living in our messed up market, but I did buy myself a nice small appartment in a place I like (most donāt like it though, in the past it wasnāt a nice place to live but it changed massively).
Itās small, only two rooms, but to me it seemed perfect. Small is good for me. Letās say to me, itās like a tucked in baby - itās comfy.
And the area is what I like about it as well. Around the corner is a small shopping mall, but on my side of the buildings the view is great. Perfect for walking meditations as well.
Home sweet home. Iāve always had a roof over my head, but havenāt felt at home anymore for years untill now.
But more has changed (of courseā¦)
Realising that focussing on whatās missing does not only change anything, but doesnāt make life better also, I decided to start sponsoring a child in Uganda (for those of you who know me a little longer, yes - I specifically choose Uganda because of that beautiful part in Thayās poem āPlease call me by my true namesā).
Sometimes I feel compassion when I look at his picture, sometimes I donāt. Well, that part I finally accepted. There will always be periods of time in which emotions and feelings are not within reach for me.
But focussing on the moments they Ɣre there, make life so much better.
And that is what I realise every time I look at that kidās picture : even when Iām not feeling anything, I still can do what Iād like to do to make the world slightly better.
And I had a date a month ago. Not really looking for anything, but a nice lady (11 years older than me) messaged me on Tinder so we chatted a bit. Got us both some warm excited feelings, so we dated. Made me realise I shouldnāt do so yet. I first need to get more familiar with how things work in my mind, instead of run into the next relationship. But it was actually a nice afternoon. Much more relaxed than my dates used to be. No urge or feeling that I need a relation. More myself, instead of trying to be someone I believe the other wants me to be.
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Ahem to that. I weighed myself for the first time since last yearā¦ I saw a number I havenāt seen since I was pregnant 5 years ago. Butā¦ā¦ at least Iām not drinking!!! And honestly, itās just a number, not an indicator of who you are as a person on the inside
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Why are his suitcases not packed for him yet ?
I mean really, do you really want to be with that guy ?
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Hey everyone, checking in on day 649. I hope everybody has a good one!
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Checking in day 5.
Iāve been sleeping like an angel. Not rubbing it in, Iām just surprised! Iāve been drinking these natural latte blends before bed and they send me right to sleep. No melatonin.
Today is Friday. Going to be my first weekend sober. Tonight wonāt be an issue, just a regular school night Iām telling myself. But Saturday and Sunday is when I started to drink around 11am. Justifying it cause I would do housework, so why not have fun while I do work around the house??
Going to find other ways to deal with those triggers. Maybe listening to music while I work? Need a coping mechanism when the urge hits early.
Happy Friday to every beautiful person here!
Putting in the good fight, day by day!
Happy sober and healthy life 
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Day 162. Hey everyone, kept Addie home this morning from school she woke up and instantly was throwing a fit like we werenāt even down the stairs yet. We went to bed early read are bed time story like always, no crazy issues yesterday, Iāve noticed that she has been miserable since starting to go to this new school pre k. When she was in head start she had zero issues or tantrums. Iām not gonna lie I almost hopped on here and started talking really negatively of myself itās so hard not to when Iāve been doing it for so long, but I said my gratitudes and just trying to truly really love myself. I still feel so behind in my sobriety and some days donāt even feel like im sober idk how to describe that part I have not used any drugs or alcohol but like I just donāt feel sober for some reason, before I relapsed life was really good, smooth I loved myself, I was happy well expect towards the end when I started the meds I declined alot and was sleeping alot, but even now after all that and being off the meds my life just feels chaotic and like im still on those meds or something. Idk if itās still withdrawal from meth since I had never touched that before, it was my first time ever trying it and I didnāt think I touched it enough to do that much damage but I did use it heavy for that 5 months or so of relapse so idk. Anyways much love
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Checking in on day 217. Still in that slump. Still raining. Been about two weeks now itās been like this, buried myself in the big book. Been to my step studies and meetings even though I have zero desire to. Keeping in contact with everyone. Dialoging with my higher power. Wife and I are fighting more and more and sheās about to be working from home which is just going to intensify everything tenfold. Warm weather cannot get here soon enough. Hope everyone has a good day.
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Thanks for the recommendation! He has alot of books available, any in particular that you can recommend to begin with?
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āThe heart of Buddhaās teachingā is his work explaining the basics of Buddhism 
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@Charlie_C I remember Jackie being an infant just a few months back. Loved your post describing her getting so excited when she sees you at pick up. Just the absolute best.
@Becsta i loved that pic and am going to start my dharma recovery book here shortly. Iām currently reading Pema Chodron When Things Fall Apart.
@Fargesia I too love small spaces. Makes me feel safe and secure and ātucked inā. Iām thrilled you love your new apartment.
@Misokatsu I saw the pic of you and your son. You look great. What your husband said was ridiculous and I canāt for the life of me understand why he said it. I know you have kids with him, and that certainly complicates things, but please know that you are beautiful inside and out and are very appreciated here.
@anon53116147 Parenting is so hard and I used to make times like you are experiencing a reflection on me. Itās not. They are young kids and this is fairly normal. Pre-k is no big deal, even though it does disrupt routine. Might be worth calling the school to see if they have ideas for making drop off smoother. This is normal behavior.
Regarding your sobriety now versus then, what were you doing then that you are not doing now? Weāre you attending more meetings? I think maybe you had a job but wanted to quit. I have to change/add things to my āprogramā and stay pretty busy in order to not get in a funk. You are doing great and hope you get thru the blahs soon.
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Good morning everyone(afternoon or evening too)
Day 127
Working through some thinking issues. My brain feels a little toxic this morning. Trying to fight off fantasy/cravings. I felt it and immediately jumped on here. I am committed to a sober 2022, i realize we are all imperfect and will struggle with bad thoughts from time to time. Itās just not worth it going back to old patterns. Iām free so why would i want to be in āprisonā again??? Thankful for TS. Iām going to jump on the thankful thread to balance my thoughts. Have a great day everyone.
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@HillbillyChris sorry you are still in a slump, and you are still having trouble with your wife. I hope once the rain goes you get some relief from it all. The weather is consistently amazing here in Britain at the moment, and it is making such a difference to everyone I know. Hope you get your sunshine soon 
@anon53116147 I agree with everything @LeeHawk says. This age is so hard and it sounds like you are doing everything right. I think giving her the day off to just be and relax is the right thing to do. My daughter really struggled with school due to separation anxiety for years, and it went right through until about 7 or 8. Honestly, it was a nightmare (she had to have shorter days, massive tears due to sensory issues with her clothes, no clubs without me there holding her hand etc.) Then gradually it eased. I ignored everyone who told us we should make her do these things and so glad I did. She is now happy running off without us at 10. She went away overnight for 3 days with the school and loved it. Sometimes time and space to just grow at their own pace is all we can do. So hard for you though, but it isnāt because you are doing anything wrong.
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Hey guys. Iām super disappointed to admit that Iām going to have to reset my clock. I made it to day 24.
Last night, exhaustion got the best of me. I honestly thought maybe i could just have one drink to āhelpā. I should have checked in. I didnāt even listen to my sober self. I completely ignored my inner voice and listened only to my alcoholic brain which was tricking me into thinking i could actually just have oneā¦I feel so awful. Definitely made the Exhaustion worse. Iām not sleeping well because of this kitten- which I feel kind of silly to say but love her so much and sheās still so tiny. I donāt have a safe room to put her in at night ( plus I really donāt have the heart to leave her alone) so she sleeps on my bed and wakes me up when she needs to use the litter box. Iāve got to figure something else out but my husband definitely doesnāt want the litter box in the bedroom. She can probably jump on and off our bed but to be honest I donāt want her ripping my duvet cover maybe I can find an old one to put on and then I can just leave the bedroom door open and she can go out and in. I donāt really want to leave her running around the house but Iām going to have to do something because this lack of sleep is honestly too much for me. I normally stay up with her until 11:00 and then she wakes me up at 1:00 and 4:00 and then 5:30 or 6 again and then weāre up for the morning(thatās when she needs to eat for sure)
And this has been going on for 2 weeks now.
The exhaustion is also making me irritable and I donāt have the energy to do the things for myself that make me feel good. And I feel sooo silly complaining about a kitten interfering in my sleep but Iām too nurturing.
I guess the good news is that after about five shots of gin( in a time span of about an hour and a half) I realized I didnāt feel well. It really wasnāt helping. I ate my dinner, plus Iām now out of the bottle of gin in the cupboard so no alcohol in the house except beer which I donāt drink. I probably should have listened to you guys in the first place and gotten rid of that bottle of gin in the very beginning. It was making me feel strong to ignore it all this time but if it wasnāt there I wouldnāt have had it available last night. Anyways Iām not going to beat myself up about it but I do feel horrible and I am upset that I have to reset my clock and Iām sorry to admit it all to you. I need to be honest with myself and you so Iām going to reset my clock today 
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Kat here checking in on Day 233
Went to NA meeting last night and shared and listened closely to other addicts sharing which I never used to do. I learn so much from others, just like this forum. My share was about relapses (one of the topics) as I have been trying to figure out why I kept relapsing over the past 4 years.
One good thing is I have been clean from IV dilaudid and fentanyl since March 2017 and have never relapsed. Those meth pills thoughā¦ had me in a tighter grip and I would go 3-15 months before relapsing. Also I was still using alcohol and the occasional Adhd pill I could acquire from my kids.
This time around I have been truly clean for nearly 8 months, not one single drink or stimulant pill. I have a sponsor. I take my sobriety and powerlessness really seriously and have a true desire to be clean which I was kind of ambivalent about before.
What also is important is I have admitted deep down that I need help. I need a community. I need to admit and ask for help when I feel like using. This made me feel weak before but now it is my strength.
Love and have a great clean and sober day!
Kat
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