Its my day off and i want to use, or evaporate. 12 hours until i get 20 days sober. I was ok last night too.
But id just feel worse using or resetting the clock.
Damnit i will make it to 90 days and be a better person. Small things.
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Morning check in
Day39
Good morning everyone 
Hope everyone is well! Feeling good today overall. Gloomy day bit still very beautiful. Feeling 100% better after yesterday (trying out that spiritual fast). Going to focus on health of my body, mind, and spirit, along with finding balance. Todayās agenda is meditation, prayer, grocery shop, and mailing off a few things. Thatās about it! Hope everyone is having an Addiction Free day!!! Luv to all
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Hey, im so sorry to read this. Hope you can drink a lot of water and have an otherwise uneventful day today.
the 24 day stretch is not for nothing! You have built up some clarity. And are up against a lot.
We have still started this at a similar time, and responding here now is helping me not go out and get stuff. So the third week is clearly no joke.
Stay with it! It makes sense to feel horrible, but eyes on the new stretch. Regret cant fix the present, only teach.
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Well if I can be of help to you in any way that makes me feel better. Definitely not worth resetting your clock. Iām close to tears but I know itās not the end of the world and I have to keep going on and stay strong so I will. Just a really s***** feeling, but feeling sorry for myself and Angry at myself will do no good at all. Thanks for your replyā„ļø
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@Miranda I am PROUD of you!!! U may feel like this is a setback but honestly Iām sooo proud that you looked back on what happened and realized a few things that contributed to ur slip. Lack of sleepā¦ is a HUGE trigger (for me anyway too). We donāt sleep, we donāt rest and recover from our day, and recovery can be hard, HARD work! Itās like a snowball effectā¦ no sleep = intense emotions and irritability = needing an escape from that feeling = urges to pick up. I also found that (and maybe u can relate too), that lack of sleep increase my cravings for crappy food, and eating crappy, like high sugar foods and carbs, increases my urges to use. Everything is very intertwined. Also, I donāt think itās silly to complain about the kitten and how exhausting it is. Itās ALOT of work. It just sounds like things got very overwhelming yesterday and having that bottle of gin available, made it easier to drink. But now u also know that it just isnāt safe to have alcohol lying around. U learned alot my friend!! And u got to 24 days!!! That is frickin huge!! Please donāt beat urself up too hard 
Get right back up, dust urself off, and keep going! Itās a small bump in the grand scheme of things which u learned alot at the same time. Huge hugs my friend
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Strongs to you @miranda
Itās not a huge train smash just a blip on the radar.
Have you got a corner in your lounge that you can cordon off with wooden fencing or sheets of cardboard? Put her little bed in there,with a soft fluffy blanket, her litter tray in the furthest corner as well as her food and water bowl. It will help her to feel more secure at night and you guys can get some rest too.
Throw out the booze you used to drink. Any cough syrups/mouth wash or energy drinks with alcohol.
If you feel like you want to pick up, take cognisance of HALTā¦ Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
Youāve got this!
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Hey Miranda, sorry to hear this. I k ow exhaustion can be a big factor in a slip, but you have done a lot of great work so far. Donāt beat yourself up about this. This is a learning moment and from reading your posts, I know that is what you will do. I have faith in you that you can do this. We all do.
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@kat261 Love ur positive message Kat! Itās very trueā¦ asking for help and allowing that help into our lives has made a huge difference for me also. I think thise who have addictions are so used to doing things on our own that it takes alot for any of us to ask for help. But my God it makes a huge impact! Always happy to see u post!
@Grumpybeard Way to go Ryan on 200 days!!! Great work 
@SelfLove_42 Really glad that your able to pull urself out of it. It amazes me how our minds can get that stinkin thinkin so fast or what seems to be out of nowhere. Keep on for the next 24 hours ahead! 
@HillbillyChris Iām sorry to hear that things are still tough And arguing with the partner doesnāt help. Mentally it makes it like 1000x worse Have u been able to sort of determine where these feelings are coming from? It sounds like uv been in this āfunkā for awhile. I donāt want to push or suggest anything that may offend uā¦so I will speak on my experienceā¦ but honestlyā¦ when I got clean my mental health slowly started to get worse (or maybe I just noticed it more 
), and I began to realize that I needed medication just to help pull me out of my unstable extreme emotions. It would worry me that I could relapse or make recovery alot harder bcuz mentally I wasnāt well. Ive been on meds fir about a month ans I do feel crappy sometimes but I can manage and pull myseld out of my thinking alot easier. Iām not one to push medication on anyway or suggest that they need it, but it does worry me when I hear u struggling for so long to feel good. Just bcuz i would never want to see u relapse. Iām just wondering if medication has ever crossed ur mind or whatnot. I apologize if I offended u anyway. Iām truly not trying to but I do know how awful it is to sit in that kind fo thinking for so long. Life and recovery is not enjoyable. Itās bard to function, itās hard to be motivated in anything, relationships struggle and I start thinking of picking up to āfixā what is wrong. U deserve happiness my friend
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You are doing really well @kat261 I see you!
For me I just realized everything and anything medicine just had a triggerish effect. I took a very āinnocentā antihistamine a few days ago to sleep well, woke up feeling sluggish and drugged, and bang out of the blue druggy / alcohol cravings.
We addicts are just wired differently. Iām learning more and more.
Keep it up. It works if you work it, because weāre worth it. ODAAT.
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I know it is not a laughing matter when someone comments about our weight, but that made me laugh. After reading " The Four Agreements" a couple of times now I am doing better at not taking things personally. I have had some mud slung at me lately that could have sent me into a tail spin with my ED but surprisingly it hasnt. Changing my perspective on other peoples ideas and the things they say has certainly had a positive impact on this.
Sending love.
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Thanks for the encouragement and suggestions. I will try to find a good spot for Lola so I can rest. Not sure if I can corner anything off but Iām going to try to get creative. It was fine for the first week, but now i have to sleep.
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Thank you so muchā:heart:
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Day 18
Still in quarantine. Kept myself busy with sowing vegetables en herbs. And made my second drawing with my watercolor pencils today.
Hope you all are enjoying yourselves!
Much
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@Cherry_Kisses thank you so much you are doing great as well! I should qualify though that I do take a highish dose of antidepressants and an atypical antipsychotic for my depression/anxiety though never abuse them.
I have to bite my tongue at NA meetings where one of the readings contains the words āThis is a program of complete abstinence from all drugsāā¦I wanna say 'except your psych meds and BP meds and diabetes medsā¦etc. Also I do use caffeine daily though I donāt smoke unlike the vast majority of addicts.
I understand though getting that drugged feeling from benadryl etc it has the opposite effect on me and makes me wired not in a good way. I guess in the end we all just have to be cautious.
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Omg I love ur drawing!!! Very pretty!!
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Thank you! 
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Checking inā¦
817 days substance free.
Life is evolving very quickly for me right now, if I pay too close attention to the details it becomes overwhelming and scary. I have just been going day by day to keep my anxiety to a minimum, to keep my head voice quiet and to keep myself focused on what is most important in my life which is my recovery. I have recently been blessed with a new sponsee who I absolutley adore. She has a fire in her belly for recovery and that makes mine burn even biggerā¦ this is a prime example of addicts keeping addicts clean. Without her fresh outlook I could very well be overcome by thoughts of lust, and self-centeredness. Her step work makes me start a set of steps allllll over again even though I am only in step 4 of my own. By working with her I automatically look at my own thoughts and behaviorsā¦ this program is incredible and it really does work if you work it properly.
Through working my own step four I have made quite a few adjustments to my behavior that were flying āunder the radarā. Ones that maybe were not apparent to others but my motives were not so pure. I hadnāt even realized what I was doing though until I wrote it out on paperā¦ then it was undeniably obvious.
Our literature states over and over again that addiction is a disease that seeps into all aspects of our lives and is that ever true with mine. It also states that once we can see this disease for what it is, we can finally let go of those feelings that we are fatally flawed. Living so many years in active addiction created a persona in me that wasnāt much me at all. Learning which parts are authentic and which parts are not has been a beautiful journey so far.
I am grateful that I chose recovery this time I cleaned up and I am grateful that I know that just abstaining from drinking and drugging will never keep me clean.
Congrats everyone on your cleantime and sobriety.
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Congratulations on your 200 days Ryan.
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Thank you, see itās not even dropping her off, itās her whole attitude and tantrums since starting the school. We switched her half way through the year from headstart to pre k. She was at headstart longer had less kids and was just so happy and energetic. Iām not trying to blame the pre k, but they have more kids, she is only there from 830 till 11 and she is just not the same happy little girl. It could be something here at the house as well. But Iām glad I gave her today she is happy relaxing and getting spoiled lolā¦. As for me Iām not sure Iām literally living my dream with my girls how I wanted to be, doing my tattoos. But I am exhausted bc I am having them about 6 days a week not all the time but a lot, I had them Monday they did go home at 4, then I had them Tuesday and was not supposed ti have them overnight but I kept them. My ex said she would take them Wednesday but did not, then I noticed she was off all day yesterday and still didnāt even try to hang out with them for a little. So I am holding some resentment towards her when I should just be happy. I donāt miss my old job at alllll, I literally was going and just sleeping on the bathroom floors when I finally quit there those meds I was on at the time really messed me up. I am getting some exercise going again, I have not hit any meetings it probably would do me some good tho
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