Hello all,
Checking in on Day 1,535.
God Bless!
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Evening Check In
Day 236
Work was okay but it took almost 2 hours to get home via transit. Waaayyyy to many people piled up on the bus for my comfort level. Anyway, hubby is tattooing tomorrow so I get the day off. Will probably do some Thanksgiving grocery shopping and prep for Monday. I have been so busy since I got home and just soo annoyed. Even my spelling mistakes as I type are pissing me off lol Just menial things are getting under my skin. And unfortunately my little guys temp is raising again. I thought he was on the mend from last Monday night when we had to go to the hospital. Praying it stays under the temp that his oncology protocol states, so that we dont have another hospital visit. He is actually going to be going in for a surgery to remove his central line (Ivad port), which is a device in his chest which allows him to get accessed for chemo and blood draws etc. He has had it for 4 years and the time to have it removed and/or replaced, is now anyway. Plus he hasnt been on chemo for almost 1 year as his brain tumor is stable. So its served its purpose. This ivad is what makes us have to go in everytime his temp is 38 or higher. Its hard on him and me. If I have to stay awake again all day n night n day again, I will for my boy of course, but this mama is tired. Praying for healing and restful night for my boy. Hope u all are doing well! Hugs TS fam!
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How ya doing @Bluekoolaid? I see ya posting on the gratitude thread but just wanted to checkin here
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I felt overwhelmed by this thread for a while or kinda comparing myself or where Iām at in my recovery and took a step back from the community in general for a while. I never had any sort of social media besides this and felt weird about it sometimes or Trying to know what to say. Maybe also I feel its hard to explain my day or thoughts as I feel all over the place and have been struggling with my mental health and dark thoughts. Itās scary but Iām telling on myself and Iām working with my psychiatrist. Trying to change things up and trying to go to at least one meeting a week or church. I post on the gratitude thread because it feels more simple and forces me to be thankful for the basics because thatās all I have right now . I been reading around more lately and I appreciate you checking on me .
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Im glad to see you posting again! Im proud of you for ātelling on yourselfā and being honest with your struggles. Im rooting for you!!
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Thank you so much. I really do love this community and itās always here for me and always helps me through some really difficult nights especially lately. The night time is the worst. Flashbacks galore!! Just one thing after another. At times when itās not possible to go to a meeting but this place is always here. Iām trying to remember that this wonāt be forever I hope. I really donāt want to give up on my life but sometimes it feels like Iām never going to be OK. Not really you know? But Iām not keeping any of this to myself and Iām working with A psychiatrist and Therapist. I think that matters. Itās good to see that you are thriving in recovery and pushing along and I know that you can relate to some of my struggles. I know a lot of people can. Thank you again for reaching out
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Hey 
have u heard of the Intherooms app? I sometimes go online to a mtg at weird hours of the night if I need it. They have mtgs at many diff times of the day/night. Juat a thought for some extra support during the night times when its the roughest for u
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I have not heard of this. I will Google this right now. That would be good because recently Iāve been struggling around 1 AM or 2 AM and canāt sleep and the circus goes off of every bad thing thatās ever happened. And thatās when I feel the most dangerous to myself. I appreciate telling me about that. Anything extra helps right now. Deep down I know that this will pass but sometimes it just has to run its course. I have also been trying to be more careful about what content I am watching or listening to Iām trying to work on changing my thoughts. I am recovering I cannot forget that
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Ur a strong person and uv come such a long way in ur journey. The Intherooms app has a variety of mtgs. I usually attend the NA ones. But they have others. It includes people from all over. It will tell u when the next one starts and u just join. Theres a chair person that does the reading etc. U dont have to share but theres the option to certain times of day are the worst for me too. Its nice to have that mtg there if u need it
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Thank you for your support and this is definitely something good to know about. I appreciate you telling me about this.
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Ur very welcome my friend i wasnt sure if u knew so thot id mention it anyway. When i read ur posts, i always hear that determination in them. U do alot of work to change ur thinking. That was huge for me too. Rewiring my brain lol it gets exhausting some days but whats our alternative right? Anyway, I hope ur day/night has been decent so far
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Yes Iām really trying to work on my mental health more than anything. I try to downplay some of the things Iāve been through but truthfully it is a lot. I finally accepted help with medication and working on rewiring my brain. My normal reaction when I go through episodes like this is to Baker act myself into a mental hospital. But they only keep you for three days and Iāve done this way too many times. I need more realistic long-term approach. And sometimes these feelings can pass by just listening to someone else who understands or being a part of something. Unfortunately there is nowhere left to run and no drug or drink would help in the long run. I accept this
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I hope you have a good rest of your day or night as well and I really appreciate you guys reaching out and helping. Sometimes I want to post about some thing and I type And type and then I delete. Iām stubborn and truthfully maybe Iām used to feeling bad more than good. But I wanna keep pushing forward. I donāt understand what derailment means lol but hopefully I have not done that. I will definitely check out that app and try to keep you guys updated on the check In thread
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Share whatever u feel like, or donāt whatever you donāt 
. Your posts are your posts. I sometimes feel embarrassed by mine, so suburban. I am glad you are working on yourself, it is hard, but progress can be made.
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Thank you so much. Thanks for reminding me to not over think the posting and itās nice to relate to what your saying
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We got you buddy. Keep reading, posting, and putting in the work. I remember you were more joyful with more sober time under your belt. So you have something to look forward to. Plus theres so many different fruits to try 
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Thank you for real . I know I will be back to a better place the more days I put under my belt and the more I work on my issues . And yes so much fruit !! Iām on a orange obsession currently lol. I will switch it up soon . Fruit helps my anxious feelings . Itās my go to. Iām looking forward to tangelos being in the stores . In Florida they come around November for some reason
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A+ on your emoji usage. 
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Today I am 234 days alcohol free. I havenāt been tempted in a while but did test myself this weekend. Iām staying at a friendās house to watch their teenage daughter so no one would have known if I slipped a drink of any of the wine/liquor that was in their house.
The thing that kept me sober in that situation was knowing that one drink would lead to all the drinks and then I would be insensible for the teenager.
I played that tape forward all the way to driving drunk with one of my best friendās teenage daughters in the car. No thanks. Come on 235.
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