Checking in daily to maintain focus #55

[zzz]

5

Honesty

Practicing honesty is pretty straightforward. Practice honesty today by not lying, covering up the truth, without sugar-coating or leaving anything out. Did you show up to work five minutes late? Admit it. Do you really like your friend’s outfit? Tell them the truth. Honestly, honesty is easier the longer you practice it.

______________________________________________________________________

To be Honest, I’ve been here for a while (a lot) and you see me rise and fail. Trying one different approach after another. I know few of you are tired of this attitude of mine, see me constantly struggling / I know you want to help, yet seeing me / constantly relapsing to

Day

Don’t worry I am still on Day 15 / but I wanted to pay a little attention to that Zero. I think I learned a lot and made tremendous progress and that zero is not the same zero as years ago.
Yet I am coming to conclusion that for some (and I am pointing to myself) the lesson need to be delivered in a hard way…

Sometimes I think that hitting the Rock Bottom is the only way for individuals like me.

Yet I been in total darkness. 4 years of Depression caused by constant Panic Attacks and Clonezapam addiction. I never lost Hope.
I remember one night when I was tapering Clonazepam to the minimum amount I thought I will go crazy or die - I was holding Cross in my hands and praying all night.

Trust in God / Higher Power / Holly Spirit
Be conscious / Be Alive

And here I am 15+ years no depression / happy everyday (well everything happens, but that’s normal and my mood is very stable / mostly uplifted) / no panic attacks.

I am feeling very Thankful
All Glory Goes To GOD.

Alcohol is a little bit different type of an Egregore. Not sure if I will be able to deal with it the same way. With Clonezapam and the condition I was in it was in NO COMPARISON - HARDER - and - MORE SERIOUS - situation… Yet lately my drinking habits changed dramatically and those changes motivates me more for greater change.

That’s why I said, for some the Rock Bottom is the only way I guess, that is when people start to Really CHANGE.

Alcohol is tricky in that way and I swear I was going to AA like for years or more and it just did not clicked. I was feeling off, not at the same level. For me it was like ))) I can come and go ((( For them it was life or death.

But Honestly…

Not all of them. There was beer drinkers like me and there was success in them. It worked. I still was relapsing like I am relapsing here, but I started to skip meetings and I think I was not 100% into it. Now my addiction progressed - I can admit that - so I am more alert about that.

Honestly I am thinking to give AA another try. Even Priest said me that he supports this idea. I know what you will say - when what you are waiting for ??
I don’t like to be pushed. So please don’t.

I need more time to figure some new things out. I am feeling much different than few months ago and totally different mindset than years and years ago.

HONESTLY

Now I can promise, as 5’th Step says:
“Admitted to God, to oneself, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

If I will relapse again - I am 100% going back

Hold on hold on hold on wait wait wait wait…

Relax. I am not saying I will not do it earlier. Will see. Just need more time to figure some new thing out and see where those Steps are leading me.

Thank You for Being Here. Thank You for listening. Have a good Holidays! Friends!

[Juli1]

Hey there…

It was just a suggestion in a talk in a german podcast. Like: What would you act like, if you would already be okay? If there is nothing more to “work” on… What would you do? How would you feel?

It’s like “fake it until you make it”.

Thanks for reminder…
I already forgot it, under all the Tipps and suggestions you can have.

I feel lost.
But I am clean today.

Much love

[Catmama23]

18 days AF. The Oxcarbazepine might be helping already (the psychiatrist said it doesn’t take long like SSRIs do). I already feel my mood swings are not as drastic (and I’m even PMSing this week). We’ll see how it continues, I go back to her in a few weeks. Feeling really on track with recovery - meetings, meditation, exercise, calling my sponsor. I ordered a tote for some of my AA books and it came in a box in the below picture… I mean….

“Alcohol does not feed, alcohol does not build, it only borrows from the future, and it ultimately destroys.”

• AA thought for the day

@Twizzlers i really admire your attitude in the wake of all that stress

[Kareness]

Day 2383 AFAF. I had another “drinking” dream last night. I don’t actually dream about drinking anymore, it’s always the after drinking part that I dream about – kinda weird. So my dream was about having to tell my sponsor, having to reset my sobriety date, and having to go to my first meeting afterwards in tears.

Work is still slow so I am working on our typical details library. Since I have a lot of things stored in the garage that could help, I have spent a lot of time over the last two days going through boxes of old drawings and calculations in the garage. I don’t quite always know where the line is between what is beneficial for work and what is personally beneficial (getting rid of old junk in the garage). So I think that’s why I had my dream: I have crossed some sort of line and am having to pay the consequences. It’s a fear dream based on insecurities for sure!

[JennyH]

Checking in, just got 40 days. I am feeling so positive at the moment, have joined a gym so that I can go swimming. It is going really well and the family have also joined so enjoying our time together. I am building up to a gym induction so I can use some of the machines. Just had a nice evening walk with husband too. Lot more free time in the evenings now! So far these activities aren’t impacting on my chronic fatigue so feeling hopeful

[PinkyP]

Congratulations on 40 days, that’s fantastic. You sound like you’re doing really well. Enjoy the swimming and the gym

[Twizzlers]

Awwwww it’s unsettling isn’t it. I hope that they get the work done quickly for you and your family.
We know it will be worth it when it is done.
Today has just been another thing after another but I’m accepting that things are going to change, and be upside down for a bit, it’s difficult.
Im sorry you are going through this too.
I find it difficult to see the point in trying to make certain things better when it all has to be packed away anyway.
We will get through this, and hopefully once both our works are done it will make life that bit nicer and feel good to be at home.
I must say it’s been difficult for me to stay positive. I will be spending time on here a bit later. I had to really push myself to cook dinner.
But glad I started it.

I’m here for you if you ever need to chat or just release some of the stress

[PinkyP]

Thanks so much, that’s really kind of you. And vice versa too.
I’m going to use it as a time to fully declutter.
Have a great evening. Are you watching Glastonbury?

[anon53116147]

Day 31. Been a pretty busy day, woke up and had house clean up which is deep clean everything, after that I went to the gym and walked/jogged for a little over 4 miles it took me a while lol. Im feeling pretty proud today, had a good group. Probably just relax for the rest of the day. Much love

[SoberMedic]

@nastya_is_fighting this is the app, pretty sure there arw more options than just quitting drinking. It’s really colourful and has heaps of badges and visuals.
Can’t beat Sober Time though, coz this community is amazing

[Dmcg1987]

Checking in sober

[KellyKelly]

Today is 450 days AF. Spending the day with my girls bike riding along the coast. Its winter here and 25 degree c so its going to be such a nice day

[BeanzBurrito]

Oh I get it thanks. Thats definitely a valuable practice. I really rely on the things i can think before, during and after cravings and triggers and overall, so thank you for sharing. Best to you

[JazzyS]

@Twizzlers sorry about the garden wall – glad you were able to get things back to normal. Thank you for acknowledging the Strong Woman in you. You shall get through this as well my friend… thank you for the update
@catmancam sorry you missed your dental and worse that the next appointment is in Oct. Damn! I do hope you are doing well and enjoyed your Saturday
@icebear so happy that your family reunion went well. So grateful for La Croix and all the amazing flavors.
@brian1965uk have a fantastic time – thanks for sharing your pics – so beautiful
@pinkyp wow looks like you are dealing with some remodeling as well and in a home of 4 – wowzers – wishing you serenity to get you through this. Just think the end result will be fantastic. Moving into your caravan sounds like a viable plan.
@sobermedic Congrats on 4 weeks (one month) !!!
@amy30 yikes my friend – I know that can be painful to deal with (I do hope your medication works for you)
@residentevil I am so sorry for the rough night and the cravings – do know that alcohol is not an escape. I wish you strength my friend – keep fighting for yourself.
@kelwooo wishing you the best with your interviews next week – I do hope you can find a way to relax and unwind
@zzz way to get your 2+ weeks in. Best of luck with your continued sobriety. Get help and gain tools in the best way that works for you as long as you keep working on you and give your sobriety the utmost attention.

[KarenKW]

Checking in sober.

This song lyric speaks to exactly how I feel:

Baby love, I think I’ve been a little too kind
Didn’t notice you walking all over my peace of mind
In the shoes I gave you as a present
Puttin’ someone first only works when you’re in their top five.

• Taylor Swift

It’s time to move on. I deserve better.

OFDAAT

[JazzyS]

@kareness Ah man I hated having my smoking / drinking dreams. I can’t imagine still having to go through this with over 6.5 years. Sending you strength in unpacking your insecurities and not getting any more of these dreams.
@jennyH so excited that you are able to get to the gym for swimming, go on your evening walks and not feel your chronic fatigue kicking in — hope this keeps up for you
@karenkw amexn sista – you do deserve better

Checking in on Saturday evening
185 weed and alcohol free
600 day cigarette free
Not much to report - been just watching movies / tv series and not having any cravings. Wishing everyone a sober night/ day ahead… sending much love

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Checking in
Day 496
Grateful to be clean today! Grateful for an average, chaos-free day! Today i went to work. Finished ny shift and went shopping to get something for supper. Made supper and tidied kitchen once home. Gave my son a bath and am now relaxing.

I have been feeling a bit unsure about how much distance ive placed btwn me and this forum. I do check in daily (or at least i try to) but do not participate very often in discussions or even read. Some days are just too busy and some days i emotionally dont have the energy, but my lack of participation does bother me bcuz i care for every single one of u and ur recoveries and do want to help where i can amd share in others milestones and achievements. Also, im not sure distancing myself is a good thing since i know addiction can be sneaky. I dont want to become complacent and risk having a relapse. Idk… this has been on my mind for awhile now. Not really much else to say right now but i am very proud of all of you! The fact that we are all here striving for a better life is something to be proud of!

[CATMANCAM]

@Hoss congrats on your week
@JennyH congrats on 40 days
@KellyKelly congrats on 450 days
@JazzyS thank you 🩵 congrats on 600 days smoke-free

1048 days no alcohol.
513 days no cocaine.
28 days no vape.
2 days no binge-eating.

Today I really challenged myself. I attempted to go to my city’s Pride event. By myself. I only slept from 5am-8am, due to sleeping so much yesterday, so I was awake in time to do my morning routine before going to the Barbers. Had my hair cut, came home and showered, and caught the bus which got my into the city to get to the meeting point on time. I was alone the whole time. During the march, there was another person who seemed to be in their own, and we were next to each other at various points but neither of us said hello, although I desperately wanted to. The march was awful, the religious preachers had teamed up with megaphones to do a counter protest and were shouting and pointing at all of us, it left me feeling very unsafe and sad. We made it to the venue where the event was being held, I did the quickest lap round but it wasa major nope for me so I left and caught the bus home.

I’ve wanted to eat my feelings away this afternoon and all evening, but I haven’t so far, though I’m not safe til midnight, now I know my addict is capable of convincing me to go all the way to the shopping centre. (I managed to resist, its 03:33 on Sunday morning now).

Tomorrow (Today) I have to sit and do the big questionnaire form that I mentioned earlier in the week, so that I can post it on Monday so it gets there on time. No more procrastinating!

I hope you’re all having wonderful sober weekends.

🩵

[Scorpn]

I’m happy you were able to go to the event! I am sorry that the protesters made you feel unsafe though! Wish I was there to shoo them away! Also sad you didn’t find any souvenirs to remember the day…here is a ( virtual pride goodie bag) from me to you! Filled with all of your favorite things!
Maybe the other person was also unable to find the way to say hi, but they hung around for the company? Like an unspoken pact to find their place in the crowd, alongside you, undoubtedly an awesome person!
I do this sometimes, when I feel overwhelmed in a crowd…

I hope you have a nice day

[Scorpn]

Day 258

I haven’t slept since Thursday night. I am feeling pretty rough mentally to be honest. No urge to get high, I’m having a hard enough time trying to turn my brain off without stimulants! Just dealing with intrusive thoughts…if it gets to be too much, I’ll call a hotline. I won’t act. But whew.
I have posted a few times and deleted, because I am feeling like maybe I shouldn’t be here talking and reaching out to friends.
I know that it’s just my mind playing tricks on me. So for now I have decided to post in the main daily check in thread… Might delete this in a bit not sure.
This no sleep stuff isn’t healthy