Its midnight here on day
359 no alcohol
290 no vape or ciggs
21.28 no form.of thc
Im working on quitting nic loszenges 2.24 days without any nicotine . Cant really sleep.
I did some cleanning while my lil family slept. Deep sleepers lol
Work in the morning
Im going to try and get some sleep
Take care everyone
1791
Didnāt have a good night. It was too short and my body aches. But I will make it through the day. Therapy this morning. Not sure about the rest of my day yet. Thereās no creative writing class for two weeks due to holidays but we have an assignment for a 1000 words short story concerning some youth memory and Iām thinking about that. Brings up lots of memories, memories I though lost but thereās still a lot there, long buried but not gone. Good stuff but also confrontational.
Anyway. Iām here. Iām sober and clean and the whole day is ahead of me. Will do my b est to make something good of it. I hope you will too. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Clean and sober. Love.
@Rob11 Iām sorry friend. 
@Noshame Yes no sleep is typical for quitting nicotine cold turkey early on. Hang in there friend. It will pass. Youāre doing great.
Thanks Jazzy I appreciate the kind words. If all my days were great Iād get bored 
I like the variety. Sorry about the bee sting. Little bastards!!! Hoping you get a good nights rest 
442
Day didnāt go exactly as planned but thatās alright. Work was fine but I was pretty tired after, and my neckās stiff again. My daughterās friend in the building came over after school so she was occupied while I rested. Usually they play outside and her mom calls her home within an hour. Today, as beautiful as it was, they played in her room(probably bc itās different) and her mom never text me so I just sent her home at dinnertime. There wasnāt much time left for sorting but we got thru a couple small boxes. Too much clutter around me 
Hopefully that will motivate me to get it done. Still aiming to complete something each day, even if itās small. One day at a time 
Day 19 is down, passed my record 
Looking forward to my second day volunteering tomorrow, i enjoyed working with plants last time, weāll see what I get to do tomorrow.
Hoping to get enough sleep. Ive been so exhausted every day no matter how much sleep I get, but especially when I havent gotten enough. Would love to be able to figure that out at some point but have no idea how to pinpoint what might be causing it.
Goodnight everyone 
Day 314
Woke up early, and I canāt believe Iām saying thisā¦ Itās not raining!!!
Bank Holiday weekend so three days off from the end of the day today. Really need some busy time in my wifeās shop. Itās been a rubbish start to the year here tourism wise. Wet for about six months!
Iām enjoying being sober now. I can feel my mind is generally sharper and my moods are generally good
Sometimes find l canāt slow my brain down in the eveningsā¦ Which isnāt a nice feeling.
Got my bike back so Sunday or Saturday I am going out for an hour and see how it goes
Have a fab day folks
Thanks friend 
Drinking is not an optionā¦odaat 
@Timetochange Enjoy your bike ride!
@wahtisnormal Nice streak Zoe 
Sleep is difficult for most people in early recovery. I hope yours finds you soon.
@Noshame Sending sleep vibes your way
@JazzyS Sorry to hear about that bee sting. They are no fun.
@Rob11 Sending you hugs and comfort
@Mira_D Good luck with your job hunting 
@Thumper1213 Sounds like you have exciting stuff going on
@Steve14 Hope you got to shred that anger to pieces on the ice 
@Butterflymoonwoman Itās so great to see your wonderful mindset shining through your post 
You are taking this journey of life in such a caring and strong way
@Twizzlers Happy to hear you had such a nice experience at a RD meeting. I joined one last evening online. It was exactly what I needed. It always takes me ages to actually join one. I hope I can build some momentum here.
163 sugar
27 UPF
34 gluten
13 dairy
0 overeating/binge
As I already wrote yesterday I ate following some kind of need, but it was not physical hunger. I donāt know what it was, I did not take the time to investigate it. I know part of it was a fear that I might be actually hungry but that the hunger is not registering cause I felt so unwell. Some fear of not getting fed 
My definition of abstinence is not to eat when Iām not physically hungry and to stop eating when I feel satiety. By this definition I overate and thatās why Iām resetting my counter. Next time Iād like to take the time to investigate.
I attended a RD meeting in the evening and there was this idea brought up of what helped us to hold centre. For me these are: Taking time before I sit down to eat, to tune in with myself, if Iām hungry and how I feel. Eating without distractions. Eating mindfully. Eating slowly.
I think Iāve fallen into the trap that things were going too well. I thought I could put away those recovery tools and go back to my old habits. Today I want to reprioritise these things that help me hold centre. One day at a time.
My daughter is finally off to school after almost two weeks of sick days at home. It was a bit of a chaos here but Iām very happy she went. Good for her, good for me.
I want to get some design work done in the morning. Later in the day a friend and her daughter will come over for the afternoon. Iām very much looking forward to their visit.
I might go to the club later in the evening if Iām not too tired.
Whatever happens today I want to keep to the things that help me hold centre.
Have a day of peace, kindness and freedom 
@Twizzlers what a possitive message that was! Love to read it! Iām so happy your first meeting went that good! 
@Rob11 sorry to hear, thatās sad. Hope you can deal with it? We are here to listen when you need an ear
@Noshame have you tried a melatonine supplement yet? They can be of help with sleeping. Well done for letting the nicotine go 
@Mno writing is always cathartic and therapy at itās self. I know you are aware of that too. Hope you will have a good day despite the old memories, maybe some good ones will pop up too. Have you heared something about the interview you had for the new job?
*Day 2052 
Had a dinner yesterday with A. the Iranian woman Iām connected with that vollunteer program. She is so traumatized, itās so sad 
But we connected and I hope we can built a good relationship and I can help her a bit.
153 days
Ticked over 5months yesterday, didnāt even realise.
Last night was busy so I was pretty tired this morning, came home and got the kids ready for school then had a little nap.
Woke up around lunch time and just chilled until it was time to take the kids to the gym.
Almost went to work again tonight for an extra shift but the wife convinced me otherwise. Glad Iām at home tonight.
Beautiful picture, buttercups? (Smƶrblomma in Swedish)
Fun fact: They are toxic. And unfortunately a bit rare here. People are trying to get them back for the biodiversity.
Childhood/youth memories sounds like a tricky one. Iāve got so many memories back on my first sober round. Things I didnāt knew I remembered, or wanted to remember. And things I thought was dear nice memories, but when I told my friend about them I realized that they actually werenāt even normal or nice.
Hopefully you can find a great one to write about for the assignment.
Wishing you all the best of luck.
Boterbloemen 
Iām here, Iām alive, Iām sober and Iām happy.
Day 65
Canāt shake off the dream I had about Nate. It followed me all day yesterday, and all night last night again.
I cut contact with him (again) after our last interaction, that didnāt end up well.
Unfortunately the urge to āsolveā that is really big at the moment. Not sure how to handle that yet.
Itās a bit annoying that he still somewhat owns that kind of power. I doubt that he even reflects over that at all.
Today is also the funeral for the house fire victims.
Itās in my old church, Iām not attending. It was limited to family only. My mother is invited so sheāll go and represent our family. Iāve sent money to the flowers so the condolence wreath will be from all of us.
I feel bad for not being there, but at the same time Iām grateful that I donāt have to.
I also know that my mother will have what we call a funeral beer later, so sheās probably going to drunk call me and tell me all about the funeral.
Enough with tragic events or problems for today.
The good news is that itās sunny, weāre planning to have another bbq tonight.
And my new bank card have Finally arrived. In rose gold, with a cowboy boot print of course.
40 Days - On my way to my first friday aftercare program.
Hope everyone is doing okay, nice 24 to yāall.
@diamonster thank you, I will now š©µ
@Davina_Davis thank you, I believe that too š©µ
@Chosen2001 congrats on 11 months 
@K_S congrats on double digits Iām so glad your friend reached out š©µ
@Juli1 I can really relate to light and smells being like noise, it can be intolerable. I hope you get your glasses sorted asap, it sounds nauseating š©µ Outdoor pool, yay! 
@Sabrina80 Iām sorry youāve been unwell I can relate to taking things personally 
I hope your first day back went okay 
š©µ
@JazzyS thank you š©µ usually I just meditate and do breathing exercises, but starting from next week Iāll be having a Zoom chat on therapy days at 5pm, with one of the Safe Soulmate facilitators, so that will hopefully help a lot. Iām glad your eye is starting to feel better and that you were able to get out for a walk 
that tofu sounds yum 
but ouch for the bee sting, hope itās not too painful today
@leroy welcome back congrats on 40 days it sounds like a great living enviroment for your sobriety
@Seizetheday congrats on 4 months
@Chevy55 sorry about the delay in getting your results. Gym is looking 
@Mali congrats on getting the job 
I hope the negotiating goes well
@Rookie congrats on 80 days
@Just_Laura youāve done a great job with your daughterās room 
@Deelzebub congrats on all the 3s
@tifflynn07 Iām so grateful for your friend š©µ congrats on 123 days
@james83 I feel you S.A.D still has a firm grip on my soul atm. It sucks. Sending strength š©µ
@Noshame congrats on 3 weeks no marijuana and for tackling the nicotine demon too
@Rob11 
@wahtisnormal congrats on your new PB
@MrFantastik congrats on 5 months
1361 days no alcohol.
826 days no cocaine.
341 days no vape.
2 days no binge-eating.
Checking-in with yesterdayās numbersā¦
Yesterday, for the first time probably ever, I really and truly āsatā (layed) with my feelings. At times, I felt like I was going to break down into floods of tears, but as usual, they wouldnāt come. I couldnāt label any of the feelings, but I allowed how I felt. I also did 10 meditations because it helped me feel less alone in my emotional turmoil.
I didnāt have any cravings again, none today so far either. I think my brain and body are completely done with using food to cope. I feel so emotionally and physically exhausted from what Iāve put myself through, and quite nauseous. It feels like a break-up, but one thatās been a hell of a long time coming.
Yesterday evening one of the Safe Soulmateās facilitators reached out to me to see if I was attending last nightās LGBT+ group, I said I was sorry but I didnāt think I would be due to my mental state. She then asked if i was free to hop on Zoom for a chat, so I did, and we have agreed to have a chat at 5pm on my therapy days, to see if that helps. I donāt like to burden anyone but weāll see how it goes. Then because sheād taken the time to chat through things with me, I did join the group, albeit with my camera off and barely saying a word, but she was glad I did.
Today I will read the final chapter of my latest book. I am also plotting to go to the gym/swimming/both, but Iām not holding my breath on that.
š©µ
Hi guys, here I am checking in on day 362. Not long now until my first year sober. I got some news to share with you. My marriage has broken down, the wife has left. Drinking doesnāt even cross my mind. Do you know what, Iām ready to let this happen. Iām tired of trying, Iām tired of fighting. Perhaps I couldnāt see clearly during my cycles of self destruction, but Iām stronger now and itās time to get the life I deserve. Have a great weekend folks 
Thanks all, not wanting to share a lot at the moment. Iām fine, experienced insanity firsthand of someone I loved dearly in a short amount of time. So I choose to leave last night at 01.45 am. I choose myself. Was like looking into a mirror, when she noticed I wanted to leave she took the keys from the door and locked me in. To be honest I was terrified, knowing I wouldnāt have defended myself, because I decided to never lay hands on another person ever again except out of good intention and love. When I mentioned that was like keeping me hostage she snapped briefly out of it, opened the door, stayed a while. But at another verbal stroke at me, I decided to leave. She came outside trying to open the doors of my car, put the window a bit down. She asked why I left, I replied with āyou leave me no other choiceā. She replied itās your choice. It is to, but there was only one option left. Gaslighting me with if you leave now you donāt have to come back. Positioned herself in front of the car (flashback). Drove homeā¦, receiving Wa messages and a phonecall in the mids of the night. Send her a message in the early morning that I hope she wakes up good. She replied with a thumps up.
Longer then I expected (there is of course more detail to this) , probably because I need it out of my systemā¦.
Trying to focus on selfcare today, my son is coming in the afternoon. Tonight visiting one of the last soccer matches of the season. Enjoying a warm bath now.
Grateful for this placeā¦ā¦
Still day 1231
