I hope you are able to get some sleep 
hell even just having a pair of earbuds for those nights of random noise. :)ā¦I just saw your last post. Oh dearā¦screw this you need these ear buds! It is so challenging when youre not feeling steady to have your sleep disturbed and even losteninf to them bowl all day long upstairs would drive me mentalā¦i wish you luck and peace my friend xo
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Hi everyone,
Oh my i hit a WALL today. I just felt so tired and brain foggyā¦it is that time of the month, quitting smoking, hubby quitting (SUPER CRANKY he is) and son has an ear infection all while adjusting to evefyone being back at scjool and work after a MARATHON XMAS VACATION of hosting non-stopā¦yep, body and mind and spirit are shutting le down.
I am trying to just accept and understand that and breath through it. I went and got some groceries and flowers for my girlfriend, then brought her food, flowers and some bath stuff and creams bc I know she loves her baths. I sat with her for a few hours and got to see the pictures of hef baby who passed away. I made sure not to over relate and wanted to allow room for her to share her experience, and when I had her mom to the side I tried to gently remind the mom not to fuel any blaming thoughts. It is of coudse okay and natural to feel this way, but it is not healthy for those close to you when you are grieving to fuel anger you are feeling. A delicate line, but the mom was ranting a lot about doctors, and critizing everything people were saying and I know her moms personality and the dynamic of their relationship, so i just laid that down. Not at all to police how the grandmother feels, but I know I had to put boundaries up to others domineering theif negativity and rage about my own daughters passing at me; as the mother/parent of the child, its no ones place to do that AT you. And of course it can be difficult for parents of the parents to forget that, because they are hurting tooā¦but the center is the lottle family and healing, and going through what they have to go throughā¦and all that negativity, saddness and anger and rageā¦you reallg just cannot have others pile on. I will help her prepare the celebration of life she would like, and just wsnt to be there for her as her friend. I hope to just be a support, in any way I can and to walk with her as she heals, and her and her husband find their way through tjis and hopefully get to build something beautiful around their boy. I so very much feel my darling daughters presence in my life and recognize all the gifts she has given to me and our family, she is so much apart of us and I hope this for my friend in the future too. It can feel so very cold to lose a child and all the future you have wrapped up in them.
I was so looking forward to bed at the end of the dayā¦i am laying here with my son, and just treasuring thst I get to do this and I love my children and family so much. Xo. wishing evefyone anothef 24. Xo.
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Happy 11 Years of Mr&MrsButterflymoonwoman 
hope you enjoyed a lovely meal together 
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Awe thank you friend! It was really nice
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Checking in.
I was a bit shocked yesterday when we learnt that a member of our group relapsed and did so over a longer period of time. She has the age of my mother and was sober for almost 10 years and active in the local recovery.
It made me think, feel and we talked a lot about it. It was was a tough meeting.
And it is what I am there for. Not necessarily to have bad coffee or a chat about how the weather was last week. Although this helps as some social glue as well. What I really appreciate is to being able to share my feelings and also from time to time some thoughts abouts drinking. There shouldnāt be shame in it. We should all feel safe enough to talk about it somewhere before we pick up, before we fall back into old patterns.
There shouldnāt be shame in having thoughts about our docs even longer down the road. Sometimes I think thatās also part of the problem. You are still struggling after such a long time? For me I struggle with life situations now and it happens every now and then that a brief thought of drinking pops up. Like some weird tool. Itās still the fast track repertoire my brain provides depending on my current mental state. Not an option.
And I remembered some comment from my mother some months back where she said something along the line that thereās no big deal about not going somewhere where there is a lot of alcohol involved as xyz (no alcohol dependency) doesnāt drink neither. Yeah, fuck you.
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Day 41 - Checking in, had a wild day today, the girl Iāve been seeing had an incident which caused her to fall and hurt herself while we were on a date today. Iām so glad I was with her and able to help out as much as possible. She is doing okay now and has a plan for tomorrow to get checked out further.
It made me truly grateful for the fact I was alert, and able to really be present and help her. Thinking of her lots and wishing her a restful sleep.
We can really do so much for others when we arenāt somewhere else mentally and drunk.
Much love to you all!
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@Tragicfarinelli Hey, 380 is more impressive than 180, so youāre definitely cool in my book 
I really only play Cricket. Iām not familiar with those ones(maybe around the clock 
) so I doubt thereād be fighting bc youād probably win 
But I have played Tiddlywinks. My mom has it from when she was a kid.
@Catmama23 I feel ya on crazy neighbors. My building can get pretty bad depending on tenants, and it is definitely stressful! There was a crack/heroin dealer in summer '23 and he got 3 other apts hooked. It was bliss once they all got evicted. I just got new next door neighbors, so the first week of Jan was people moving out and then people moving in. Who both felt was necessary at 3am! After a few days, things are quiet again. I hope the same for you 
Also, @Mira_D is right. Iāve slept with ear plugs and a fan for white noise ever since my first bf that snored! They do help 
Always and forever 
696
Oh, the headache 
Itās just been lingering for days and always comes to a head(
) at night. Well, the day was okay. I woke up after 5 hours of sleep, ew, but got moving. My daughter was drawing characters and I felt inspired to do one myself. Havenāt felt creative in a while, but I enjoyed it!
Again, I didnāt work on what I intended, but started something Iāve been dreading. My room. The furnitureās burdensome to move, so thereās dust thatās been there since 2017. I worked on one wall alone from 2-9pm, and thereās still more to be done! Just dusty junk in piles of no particular order. But if Iām gonna do it, Iām gonna do it right. I had to stop bc I was dusting every little thing and I think I breathed too much in bc my throat got so dry I couldnāt stop coughing. And thatās when the headache reared it ugly head(
I wasnāt trying to make a pun either time!). Anyway. I feel good about the work I did. Iām really excited for it to be done. Hopefully I can keep the flow going and finish the whole room Wishing you all a super sober Sunday!
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Day 755
Does anyone remember Hungry Hippos? My stepson and I used to beat the crap out of that board together, when he was like 4 or 5 
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Hope you ended up getting some sleep. So scary for you, Iām so sorry. Glad the silly memes helped.
Hopes for a stable day for you @acromouse
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I hope I donāt burst your bubble when I say that kind of thinking and behavior is your addiction talking? Most people (not me, for sure) can draw a more sensible line.
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Day 19 
So here is lesson number one from Sobriety Champ 
Donāt sleep on all the Victories and medals and pancakesā¦ Always be aware.
One Medal at a time 
#TeamBringIt 
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Oh yeah I played that thru highschool!
And hey, Iād rather be addicted to cleaning 
But honestly, Iām serious when I say this room hasnāt been cleaned in 7 years. I often think about the piƱata in my closet that never got used in 2020 thatās still full of candy. Everyday I see shards of glass still stuck in the wall where my ex threw a lamp. Thereās hair under my bed from at least 7 different cats, and probably a few mice. Maybe itās why I wake up sneezing every morning. This is a real situation Iāve been ignoring far too long. I have to do this for my own well-being.
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You have a vivid way of describing the āsceneā 
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Well Iād rather not post any pictures
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407 days
Queit couple of days. Kids have been at grandparents and wife has been working. Got through a few loads of laundry and some grocery shopping today, also managed to watch some ufc this afternoon.
Tomorrow will be making some last preparations to head off out of town on tues with the family
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Congrats on 30 days 
Thatās awesome!
Satan was probably pissed when he lost a vessel like me 
I donāt talk about this much, but since being sober, I feel like I sense presences around me, especially at night. I wonder whether itās floaters in my eyes that get worse in the dark, Iām developing schizophrenia like my brother, or theyāre actually demons waiting for a moment of weakness. Makes me think
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Said in a very normal voice today. 99 days THC also. Itās dark and cold and my cats keep trying to get me to play feather wand. 
Today is applications, gym, football and reading.
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2045
My sister had a great idea yesterday by inviting me along to go skating at the local rink. First time this year. We werenāt the only ones to come but it was really nice. Good to practice how to skate too, for the chance that weāll have the opportunity to skate the canals again.
Not doing too much today. House chores. Cuddling Luna. Watching sports. Trim my hair. Rest a bit. Have some good food. And get ready for a new week. Have as good a day as you all can friends. Sober and clean or nothing will come from it. Love from the Jaap Edenbaan.
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