Day 1 update: im diagnosed as anemic now. I can’t believe I let myself get this bad. I’m extremely discouraged and I feel I’ve let myself down. I’m not feeling well at all. My mood is super low and my energy is non existent..I just want to lay around all day and sleep. I’ve been talking to my therapist and she’s trying really hard to convince me to admit myself on a voluntary basis to inpatient for help but I’m not sure that’s the way I want to go. While talking to her I was able to identify a pro to admitting myself which would be because I’m self harming daily, an inpatient admission would force a break from that cycle. However even when being able to identify this pro, I’m anxious over the decision to agree to that. I think I’m really afraid that admitting myself will prove that I can’t stop by myself and I need more help than I’m receiving and that scares me a lot. So I’m not so sure what I’m going to do. I’m not at all suicidal so my therapist can only recommend that I go inpatient but I do not need to be admitted involuntarily. I’ll keep everyone updated I just hope I find a solution that helps!
Checking in
I slept bad last night, I was awake from 2:00-5:00…I didn’t know how to lay in bed, feeling pain everywhere… 
Im so happy that today I had home office, and nobody had to face me with my bad mood! It’s also that time of the month that my hormones get the better of me! 
In the end my day was ok, during the day the pain was manageable, I got a lot of things done and after work I decided to go for a 4K walk! I just had a long chat with my mom, and I’ll be going to bed soon! Things are going well “rib-wise” speaking, maybe I might go to my 2-day excursion at the beginning of March, we’ll see! Let’s see how tonight goes!
Would this be ur addict voice talking to you amd creating this anxiety? Change can be scary. But youve been stuck in this cycle of SHing for some time now and if u were able to quit on ur own, u wouldve by now. Youve been trying for some time and its been a struggle. I get that. But i think if u were to really look within urself, u just may find the answer ur needing (about whether to go for inpatient treatment or not). This break could be exactly what u need. Anytime i have ever gone to treatment for drugs, i have NEVER regretted it. The time away from my addiction helped me to clear my head, get back into a routine, and learn new skills and tools for the future. I care about Jules and hope that u consider going to treatment 
I think I’m really afraid that admitting myself will prove that I can’t stop by myself and I need more help than I’m receiving and that scares me a lot.
I hear this. I don’t know much about SH, but I do know that I hated myself for not being able to just use willpower to stop drinking. I’m a grown, independent woman! I should have been able to do it through force of will! But…I actually did need more help. That was just the facts. And until I got that help I just kept repeating the same cycles over and over and was more and more disappointed with myself and so drank more and and and…you get the picture.
Sometimes we do need help. Which is a little horrifying IMO 
, but true.
Regardless of what you decide, I’m so glad you’re here and aiming for something better. 
Thank you for your support and I have to agree!
797 days
Back at work. Got up early enough to get the gym before work, but instead I took it easy, had a chill pre-dawn coffee at home before coming in. Had some pretty active days off so probably due a rest.
Planning some training for the crew tomorrow at work. Will be off site and should take most of the morning. Will be a good day.
Might go to a beach for dinner with the family if the weather is good. We’ll see what they’re up for
Idle time does feel like the enemy! Sounds like you are doing really well. Congrats on getting to double digits!
It will pass @Butterflymoonwoman. I’m sorry you are feeling so disconnected. Focus on rest first, everything else will come after. I get how frustrating it is when you are ill and can’t do as much. Focus on what you can control.
Day 4 checking in
I had a bad night’s sleep and a stressful day yet I still feel better than I did. My focus is coming back which is great. Going to have a bath tonight and then journal before bed. All in the aim of getting back to a place of presence.
No matter what I feel like I am learning something each day and I am grateful for that.
Good work, Bianca! We’re glad to have you with us.
Checking in day 1250, and 
months sober today. Definitely had a seasonal depression dip for a bit. Lots of cold weather and snow where I am. Remembered I needed exercise and good nutrition which is helping.
Wishing everyone a wonderful sober weekend ahead 
Day 12 AF
Last night was the first time I tried sleeping without taking meds for it, and it wasn’t too bad. Wasn’t as foggy waking up. Work was long as usual but the patients were great.
Cannot wait for the weekend so I can just sleep and study on my own time in my own home.
Day 79 no weed.
Checking in on day 12 alcohol free
YESSSS!!! I am so proud of you. You already know you can do this. You have shown yourself you “have what it takes” Keep it up 
Congrats on 400 days @Frank68
Thank you Cass 
Checking in on day 25. Going strong. Extra tired tonight.
Have a good night/day all!
Day 813. Night time check in, got my blood work today, testosterone level is at 48, normal range is from 400 to 900, so I think it’s safe to say I know why I’m feeling like garbage, but my doctor said it’s very concerning for a 35 year old male has that low of testosterone. We also checked my prolactin,which I guess is a petutitary gland in my head which she hoped wouldn’t be high and of course was 29.6 on a 3.7 to 11.1 normal scare. She said if it’s high will have to do an MRI. So wait and see her next Thursday and go from there. Trying to just stay positive, stress and worry certainly won’t help. And neither will drugs. Much love