Well…Christmas hit me hard. I was 3 days away from being sober for 90 days and I relapsed on Christmas Eve. I ended up sneaking a six pack in the garage and drank them all pretty quick.
I really don’t know why I did this?
I should have called someone from AA, but I didn’t want to be a burden. The desire to drink and just “get away” was all I could think about. I knew I could be sneaky and so I drank.
I know that I have to “start my clock to zero” and honestly, this is deflating. I’m upset that I came so close to 90 days sober. I’m very disappointed in myself. I need to make that call next time I feel the urge. Also, I haven’t been on this forum for awhile. This platform really helps me stay accountable and connected. It’s lonely being an alcoholic.
It can suck, but don’t beat yourself up.
Think about when we were children learning to ride a bike, what happened to all of us in the beginning? We fell. But we stuck with it, we picked ourselves up, dusted off, hopped back on the bike and tried again. Before long we were riding along like it was nothing.
Sobriety is your bike. Pick yourself back up, hop back on and try again. You can do this, believe in yourself.
Welcome back. One of the hardest parts is asking for help. It was impossible for me to get sober alone. Until I swallowed my stupid pride and quit worrying about being a burden could I finally get the help I need. Someone around here is always willing to help lessen your burden. That’s what makes this place so special.
Hey Michael, I’m happy your back. When I tell myself that I don’t want to be a bother or a burden, that I shouldn’t take up someone’s time with my post- I know that’s my addict talking. She knows that she will not get the answer she wants if I reach out for help. She doesn’t believe In her worthiness, so she wants to drink to numb that feeling. I however am figuring out how to call her on her bullshit. There is always someone here to help. We are posting memes waiting for someone to reach out. Or posting pictures of our dogs or a cool rock we saw last Thursday. Next time your addict wants to drink you tell him to fuck off and come talk to any of us. I’m sorry you lost your consecutive days, but in the end whether someone has 1000 days sober or 3 we are all just one drink away. One day at a time. Your days will pile back up. You deserve to be here, you deserve to be sober.
There’s the definition of addiction right there (the laughing emoji isn’t meant to make fun - it’s sincere - every single one of us here has had the exact same thought, and the damn thought is sneaky as hell!).
We’ve all been there Mike with that thought. It’s the obsession of addiction. That obsession, that fixation, that preoccupation - that’s what makes addiction take over our lives, and push away (even suffocate; through neglect) the people and relationships we love. (We suffocate our relationship with ourselves as well.)
Our addictive habits and our mind will always be there, beneath the surface of the life we choose. It’s like the layers of rock and soil that make up a riverbed. If you build channels to re-direct the water - if you do the work of change to have a healthy life - they work fine as long as you maintain them. But as soon as you start neglecting that healthy living, sober work, the water starts flowing back in the original channels it flowed in before.
We have to choose to live each day. We have to choose it. And we have to do whatever work it is we need to do, whatever connection and communication we need to do, every day. When we do that, we live. When we neglect it, we suffer - and we put ourselves at risk.
Take care Mike and never give up. You are a good person and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.
You still have the days, just not consecutive. The mistake I often made was saying fuck it, I already screwed up, so might as well then make it “worth it”. Boy, I sure showed me
Dig deep and think about the weeks before Christmas Eve. Did you start bargaining with yourself in the back of your mind? Starting to feel good physically and mentally, and perhaps telling yourself that you could handle a drink or two? Or thoughts of “why can’t I just be normal like everyone else and have a few drinks over the holidays”? Or maybe something similar? It took me a long time to realize that I was relapsing wayyyyy before I actually took a drink.
Do you have a sponsor? If so, maybe you guys could try and go through the weeks before to identify the cause. It’s a miserable existence to continue relapsing. I know for me it was worse every time. I never ever want to go back to living like that.
Glad you came here to talk about it. Sounds like you’re in AA, I would highly recommend doing 90 in 90 and getting a sponsor if you don’t already have one. I don’t go anymore, but for many years, that was my safe place during holidays. No matter what state I lived in, or what home group I was in, we always had special gatherings for the holidays.
Except that when you fall off a bike, you’re not likely to get locked up or get yourself an STD or break your body or die or kill someone else.
OP says “The desire to drink and just “get away” was all I could think about. I knew I could be sneaky…”. He wanted to drink more than he wanted to stay sober.
Because a return to drinking starts in the mind long before the first sip, I am wary about using the word “relapse” to describe less than 90 days abstinent before drinking again. I did it for years - I’d get a couple days, a week or two, I had a large pile of 30 day chips, I even went 9 months one time, then I’d go back to drinking. I went back to drinking because I wanted to and I thought I’d be sneaky enough to get away with it.
I appreciate when someone has the balls to admit their lapse and try to commit once more to sobriety. At the same time, I see my 30 year old self in them and want to smack me upside the head. It’s hard for me to balance the desire to be encouraging with the impulse to break through the obvious denial with anger and sarcasm.
You learned something!
Use this to avoid a new relapse in the future. I had my share of relapses as well. I found the first 3 months the hardest to go trough.
Is there a way to put all the alcohol out of your sight in the house? If you do not see it it’s less tempting?
Maybe I missed something, but I would really like to know what exactly changed in you to go from chronic relapser (or how you described as never really stopped and started recovery to begin with) to where you are now?
A 2x4 between the eyes from the universe. During my last arrest for DUI, I had an out of body experience, and received a message “Everything is going to be alright. You will be able to stop drinking now.”. I haven’t drank since.
Hello Michael it really is lonely, I feel you there. I found this Christmas to be incredibly lonely. But drinking beers alone and in secret I find is much lonelier. At least in sobriety, I am completely open and honest with myself, and I can rely on myself. There is nothing as lonely as addiction. Dust yourself off and get back on the wagon, you can do it and you did for almost 90 days! That is seriously impressive
Enforced abstinence was huge. 5 months of daily BACs at the police station, then 3 years of incarceration, house arrest and parole. I could have cheated but I didn’t. I went to counseling and Antabuse within a couple days of the arrest. When I had adverse reactions to Antabuse after a month, I went back to AA and did what they told me to do.
I decided to be sober and started doing sober things, basically.