Chroncling my journey.. the good, the bad and everything in between


#21

Good 4 u… u got all new job to look forward too. ! How do u manage seeing her? R u still in love and have to put your feelings aside x


#22

We have been broken up, according to her “three weeks” which I am willing to believe, because I really don’t know given my last bender was like nine days and had no recollection of time. Which I may add i just came off over the weekend.

My feelings toward her, are deep. I wouldn’t say I am still in love with her but I definitely have romantic feelings towards her. While she has made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t feel that way towards me. Which is completely fine. This is a friendship I want to salvage out of the wreckage of the relationship if it is at all possible. Like I mentioned before. She is a light in my life, however I am critically aware that if my presence in her life causes her undue stress i should leave without question.
I don’t want to prognosticate.
All I can do is take it one day at a time and stay on the path.

I mean… Right?


#23

Bless you … ive been in the same type of relationship 4 3yr… we can’t manage to be friends as we always end up together again … its always great to begin but the same old problems never get sorted and then the arguments start… i had to break away 4 good last night … its so hard … but its 4 the best … i need to put my recovery first. I admire u 4 putting your own feeling to a side and wanting a friendship… i dont think i can do that x


#25

So it is the day of my drug test. I am currently at a authentic taco spot getting some pre test food. Apparently, we are supposed to get 30inches of snow today. Which is fitting because I feel cold, and dead. However that is just what I need to fight thru these hard times.

Stay hard


#26

It’s 8 am.
I’m starring out the window watching the snow fall and I’m in a very introspective place. I know why and how I got to this point. I’ve been such a pathetic person for so long, and even now, on this path I still have moments where my thinking and actions are disgusting and pathetic. The only move to make is to do the best I can every chance I get, which saddens me that it has taken til I am 34. However, the plus side is I have the opportunity to spend the rest of my life no longer being who i previously was.

/Rant over

In case you haven’t heard it today
YOURE AWESOME & I LOVE YOU


#27

I really felt this, sometimes Im completely disgusted with myself like this can’t be normal, Im still so early in my recovery day 42 off heroin and ive been here before Im so scared of myself but Im going to be 34 this year too and i’m seriously too old for this shit my body doesn’t bounce back like it used to I hope I can eventually create a meaningful life I love for now it’s one second at a time and sober is the goal! Lots of love xo


#28

It’s 6:25 pm.
It’s still snowing, it’s supposed to stop sometime soon though… Earlier when I was out at the grocery store I picked up some coffee, it has been about a month since the last time I had any and i couldn’t be happier. It’s the simple things in life I guess.
Something interesting happened to me today, my father’s gf messaged me on FB. My father and I aren’t speaking, not since I reached out to him on my one year milestone and his indifference sent me up the pole. Not one to be rude if I can help it, I responded and we exchange pleasantries. She then started slipping info in about my father in didn’t ask about. For example they had to go get “special diabetic shoes” I have no idea what that entails, so of course I asked for more information and apparently my dad has diabetes… (obvi) and a host of other things. Which leaves me in this space of “should I care?”


#29

Tough spot to be in I wonder if she knows he regrets the last time and wants you to teach out? Also i hadn’t had coffee in a few months and just started again im so happy for salted caramel mocha creamer!


#30

Omg that creamer sounds amazing.
I picked up some Starbucks veranda blonde blend. It’s happy in a cup lol.

As far as my father, I blocked him on FB. Like I mentioned before, in February was my one year milestone off meth… him and I hadn’t spoke in ten years. He friend requested me… I accepted it that day. I was excited to share it with him and all he said was “good for you” then proceeded to talk about himself. So that essentially killed him in my life for me. I feel firm on it, but I also don’t know if I am being concious enough of whether or not it is just my ego being bruised or not. I know a lot of people who don’t know their fathers, so I am in a weird space of should I accept this person into my life based soley off the fact that he is alive? Idk…


#31

The creamer is AMAZING!! oh i do love Starbucks blonde myself!

Im really sorry to hear about this difficult situation! You’re father sounds like a narcissist… Ive dealt with many my parents are codependent narcissists and as much as I would like to cut ties sometimes one of my sisters has completely and the two others often block them for days or weeks, but i live with them right now they actually came and found me and saved my life after 16 years of drug abuse something i had wished for but i know it’s hard and ultimately it’s your call and you know what is best for you! Im sure you’ll make the right choice!


#32

Youre right!!
I believe in my heart of hearts that if I let him back into my life I will only find disappointment and he has disappointed me most my life.
I’m going to take the night to think on it and catch a meeting in the morning.


#33

Great idea what’s meant to be will be!


#34

It’s 8:55am

Last night I had the biggest temptation to do meth ever… A friend of mine I have known for over ten years recently got out of rehab and was doing well. Or so it appeared. I had been checking in on her regularly since she got out which was around two weeks ago. Well, yesterday evening she messaged me and asked if I wanted to hang out. Given we haven’t seen one another in a very long time I mulled it over for awhile, which I am extremely glad I did, due to the fact as we continued to text back and fourth she slowly revealed she was drinking and trying to get meth. When she said that, I felt a craving for meth I haven’t felt since the day I stopped using 13 months and 20 some odd days ago. My initial inner monologue quietly ran the words " you know you shouldn’t go over there. End the conversation." I didn’t. She essentially spent an hour trying to convince me to come hang out with her. I eventually started rationalizing. Thinking “she doesn’t have meth, you could just go hang out with your friend. What’s the harm in that?”… Eventually my wall wears down and I order an Uber. Within minutes of ordering the Uber, she messages me “I just picked up”… In that moment, I cancel the Uber. I message her saying “have a nice night” and end the conversation. Which I should have done right away. Now, the next morning. I’m reflecting on how close I was to making one or two descions that would have ended my life.
I know for a fact, that if I ever do meth again, I am going down that rabbit hole and never returning…


#35

Confession time:
I have been in a hole for days… pray for me.


#36

What’s going on?


#37

I have been essentially hiding out at my best friend’s house since an old friend had dope and I almost gave into the craving. So in turn I have been doing my best to be distracted however I am woefully aware that I am just distracting myself. I also can feel my resistance to such things wearing… idk. I just feel so incredibly alone…


#38

Hey Silas, I totally understand SO much of this right now. Think about trying a meeting? It really may help change your headspace my friend


#39

Gosh I can totally relate lonliness is the absolute worst!! Im so sorry you’re dealing with this Im not as far along as you but i feel like ive just stayed at home hibernating and isolated… then yesterday this girl ive been in love with for seven years who it just always was never the right time with and she has been dating a girl for 5 and a half years we haven’t spoken in a year randomly messages me she’s having issues with her gf/fiance we end up talking on the phone for 9 hours she asks me for advice im giving everything i can to her and she goes out last night with her afterwards messages me thank you so much i appreciate all your help and i love her so much i just want her to be happy but it also stings a bit who knows when we will talk next ya know? So yeah im that girl for her😞


#40

I went to a meeting. It helped. Ugh. I just want to die


#41

Hey I am happy you went to a meeting. How was that like? I myself went once & perhaps in NY it really did not feel as if I was in a safe space to talk. Anywho…I read the follow ups and I will say that you should feel proud of trying to fight for yourself. Everyday it seems as though we fight to not go back to what we know. Keep fighting. I will say that perhaps sorrounding yourself with more positive energy may help. Keep on posting on here we are all ears :slight_smile: