9:45pm.
The silence is wonderful. So I thought I would write a little before turning in for the night. First, today’s run was amazing. I am very proud of myself. The best part wasn’t the PR’s though . The very best part for me was how fast I felt okay. Usually after 12miles I’m stiff and sore for the rest of the day. Not today however. I had some mild stiffness for like an hour. Then bam!! Back to normal. It appears I am getting stronger and that is a good thing.
Secondly, a friend of mine who I’d been concerned about for sometime reached out to me… everything is well with them and I couldn’t be happier for the path that they are on.
Third, a friend of mine I haven’t seen or heard from since last summer hit me up and asked if I had a free couple days. I replied yeah. He asked me to basically do three days of lawn work for the new house he bought. Which is cool. It was nice to be thought of, and a little extra money can only help…So upon accepting that I figured out the logistics between where I am and where he is. No big deal there.
I’m going to have to postpone tomorrow’s 12miler but that’s okay. According to @Mephistopheles I need more rest days . Which I think isn’t the case but whatevs.
And with that last ramble, I’m off to bed .
In case you haven’t heard it today:
I’m sorry you read that mind numbing post lol. Jking
I respect that, however I also respect the fact that the human mind and body once combined can achieve much more than what we expect. All too often people quit at 40% I personally am on a mission to push myself to places I have never gone. I spent so much of my life on drugs and wasting opportunities. Now that I am sober I want to see what I am really capable of and to find that out, I’m going to have to flirt with the line a bit. In addition to that, I am averaging three rest days a week. Which seems like enough for the amount of miles I am putting in. If we were to speak in terms of ultra runners. These people run upwards and past 100 miles in a span of 24hours straight.
Now, I’m not saying that’s what I’m aspiring to be, I’m just driven like they are driven to find out what I am really made of… if that makes sense.
I hear you, Silas. However, ultra runners built up to those miles carefully and conditioned their bodies to be able to withstand hours of continual movement. 12 miles is nothing compared to 20. Its another level of fitness. You’ve not been doing this for very long. I’m not trying to lecture you or tell you to stop, it’s just that I literally treat biomechanical injuries for a living. I know how the body functuons and heals and what it can withstand.
Well, a particular person I am inspired by ran a 100miles in 17hours aftee never running a race in his life so before we get a case of what people are capable of let’s keep that in mind.
You do you boo ! Thats a little saying my daughter says to me when i feel something is hard but i know deep down i can do it xxx thought id pass it on to u today x
I think rules have made people to soft. Which is why it is so easy to be great nowadays… due to the fact that most people are medicore and just show up to life. So I’ll keep working to better myself and if I get injured you can be the first person to say “I told you so” I’ll even buy you a pack of your favorite Oreos if it happens
7:15am
I’m on my buddies couch giving myself 20mins before I am going to get up and get to work… Yesterday, … Yesterday went as I expected. The guy I used to use with didn’t show up til there was an hour left in the workday. He was also spagaddled out of his mind. Additionally, he showed up with his gf who had to weigh 90lbs… no lie. I seriously was worried she was going to drop dead right then and there… aside from the physical signs of addiction there were some disconcerting events that took place. The first was upon their arrival he asked me what I wanted them to do. So I layed it out very simply, apparently that wasn’t enough because within ten mins they were both doing the exact opposite of what i had asked however being the forward thinker i am I was able to harness that drug induced energy from them into something constructive. The most disconcerting thing however was upon finishing up for the day I heard the guy say “we got a lot done today” to which rubbed me completely the wrong way and I found myself speaking in a very aggressive tone saying “I been here all day, you two just showed up an hour before the day is over. I got a lot done so don’t try to take fuckin credit for what the fuck you didn’t do”. I was completely surprised given I usually think before I speak.
Thankfully I was able to calm down and retake control of my emotions. I apologized for the outburst explaining that I was exhausted from doing everything on my own all day. eventually they leave for the night and I stay behind and plan out today’s work.
Fast forward to last night. 3am. I get a text from my old roommate. The individual helping on the job and says what time are we starting. I didn’t see it til this mornng, but something about that rubbed me completely the wrong way.
I do recognize that I clearly am showing signs of distain for this person who I once shared a doc with so today I plan to excersie more patience and understanding while they slow down the work I’m trying to accomplish.
It’s a metaphor for life.
Sometimes you have to deal with situations that will be frustrating. That will test you to your very core, but it is HOW we deal with these situations that allow us to see ourselves in a new light.
In case you haven’t heard it today:
YOU’RE AWESOME AND I LOVE YOU
People in active addiction tend to not be very reliable. You aren’t doing him any favors by allowing him to come and go as he pleases. Are you paying him for his lack of work?
Well we are both doing a job for a friend.
I have been documenting what I am doing & what they are and are not doing lol.
It’s also funny you mention the reliability factor. We talked before they left and I said we are starting at 9. They haven’t showed up. I assume they won’t show till noon lol. Which is fine. I rather work alone anyway
Update.
It’s noon. The other two have finally showed up so I’m taking a mini break. I don’t really see this day going to well but have to do the best with what you have. On the bright side, they are in good spirits and seem motivated so hopefully they can apply that energy here.
It’s been a few days.
I really had to take the time to process my feelings towards my friend after working with him. It is really sad to say but he more than likely will never change. I know it is unfair to say that, and it breaks my heart to but he is still the exact same person I have known since I was like 16. What I found incredibly disconcerting was to watch him visible lie like it was no big deal. An example was on day two we had a short conversation on my sobriety… I tried not to say too much other than I was just doing my best to improve myself. He then told me he was still dabbling but was proud of me for getting out of the life. Fast forward a few hours later. Our buddy who we were doing the job for came back. We all had a nice conversation and I watched my friend whom I used to get with tell our buddy, " I don’t get high anymore. Since my dad passed away I stopped using and I am on the straight and narrow. " I was fucking shocked… we have all known one another for over ten years. The ups and downs. The pitfalls and triumph’s… I just couldn’t understand why he would tell me the truth and not our friend. It put me in a very uncomfortable place. Like if he didn’t want to tell him, then why bring it up?
It was difficult for me to see that. However it reminded me of what active addiction was like. I really felt for him… Up until he attempted to withdraw a bunch of money from our friends prepaid debit card. Then all my feelings of understanding and empathy went right out the window. Long story short, our friend let him use the card for gas because he didn’t have enough to make it to the job site… that was extremely nice of him to do that, especially with offering him some paying work. So why on Earth would someone take advantage of that? And yes, I am fully aware that an addict is going to do addict things.
Being so removed from those individuals in that lifestyle I had forgotten the depth at which those can stoup. It was a real revelation. After that, I found myself in a place of reflection.
I am so incredibly fortunate to have made it to where I have. At the end of the day when I am laying in bed and reflecting on what i did thru out the day and know I tried my best. Well, those feelings about myself when I’m by myself is something no drug can ever match.
In case you haven’t heard it today:
YOU’RE AWESOME & I LOVE YOU
This made me really appreciate that i am not living that life anymore!! There are some days Im so bored i get frustrated drugs always kept me occupied but i need to embrace the quiet boring times and be grateful im not living in chaos! Soon enough ill be back to work and have more things to fill my time with but for now as long as i’m doing my best each day and sober that’s a win!!
Most definitely.
It’s like any addition, when you are bored with down time one wants some kind of stimulation. It’s finding the joy in the silence that makes downtime nice. I also have no doubt in my mind that you will get some positive updates on the job and will be finishing up the hiring process. One just has to practice patience. Which is vastly easier said then done. However this is an opportunity to strengthen that aspect of yourself.
The chaos. I can’t even begin to express how exhausting it was listening to their stories in the downtime of working. The drama, the craziness… it brought me back to how I felt during that time in my life. I’m so very thankful yet so very sad for them. I just pray that they find the strength to change and leave drugs behind…
I also stopped biting my nails two weeks ago.
I did it every day, ALL THE TIME!
I found myself starring at my hands and had the thought “I’m 34 years old. I shouldn’t be biting my nails.”. And i haven’t since.
me thrpwong my hands up in the air. Im holding you to those Oreos.