I guess you can call my first 5 days of sobriety an enlightening (or re-enlightening, as I’ve noticed this before but conveniently keep forgetting it) experience.
So, 2 things:
I’m a Dick when I’m not drinking.
My frustration with my wife goes up at least tenfold when I’m off the sauce.
I need some help y’all. Please blast me with some perspective.
Here’s an extremely self-centric, obviously-alcoholic-bias observation of myself by Yours Truly: I feel like I drink because in some ways it makes me better to hang out with. (Which is obviously false, because when I drink I put my 2-year-old in extremely questionable situations, can become extremely lazy around the house, and generally do some morally fucked up things). However, what is also verifiably true is that my patience with my wife With and Without beer is water and vinegar. With alcohol, I can bear our conversations and contribute semi-constructive feedback where appropriate to her meanderings. Without alcohol, like … you know, the past 5 days … I eventually have to flee and hide in our office and get on a forum to vent my frustrations.
As I type this, it seems the obvious answer is “That Too Shall Pass”. IS THAT TRUE? Because now that I’m feeling these feelings again, my previous attempts to go without alcohol (maybe not the full-blown I’m-An-Alcoholic-And-I-Can-No-Longer-Trust-Myself-To-Drink that I’m doing now) are obviously all the same and patterned. I realize there’s an issue. I get off the sauce. I become a terrible version of myself (angry, short-tempered, hurtful one-liners, general angst) and in turn my wife annoys the ever living shit out of me. And then, as the veritable saying goes, She Drives Me To Drink again.
The thing is I’m using data this time. At any given moment I know exactly how long it’s been since I’ve had a drink. I’ve never had that before, so I don’t know how long I’ve lasted before before I inevitably went and bought my next 6-pack to start the cycle all over again.
Sooooooooooo … really reaching out on a limb here y’all. Do any of y’all have some perspective in this area? Maybe some advice to share? I mean I’ll take anything at this point.
Thanks to y’all who hung through my entire rambling. Much appreciation.
No advice but can relate, except I’m the raging bitch wife when I’m not drinking my wine. I’m on day 5 and pushing through because I’m hoping it’ll pass! Drinking definitely made me much more tolerant and patient with my husband and these past few days i have been riding his ass hard about each and every little flaw or habit that I don’t like- I can’t believe he puts up with me…which tells me he rather go through this with me now than to have things go back to the way they were!!
Are you attending any support groups such as AA? If not, you should. You will get even more perspective there.
Only five days in, you should really think about mediation and at the minimum, the serenity prayer. Use these when you start to feel like you’ve described.
I too had those feelings about my family, and yes it does get wayyyyyy better over time. Just be patient.
I was frustrated and irritated with my husband the first week or so. Sobriety has been a journey that has brought us close again and we are leaning on each other to heal from my drinking. I wish I could give you specific advice that would help you, but its really just time, patience, unconditional love, and respect for each other.
In the past, we have written Respect Rules to help us get through hard times. I wrote a list of things I needed to feel respected and he did the same…we both promised to respect each other’s lists no exceptions and that fixed a lot of problems for both of us in a very short time.
Hang in there, you’re doing everything you can… this is the hard part! Hugs to you and your family!
Okay, just kidding with ya . You’re feeling moody and impatient because you’re feeling your feelings without covering them up with alcohol. It will be a roller coast ride as you learn how to deal with these emotions sober. Get frustration out by going for walks or to the gym, watch what you’re eating to maintain a normal blood sugar level, and get on a regular sleep/wake schedule. Make sure to tell your wife that you’re feeling crabby and need some space, that it isn’t her fault, you just need time to get used to this new lifestyle with covering it up. Oh yeah, and…get your ass to an AA meeting so you can learn about how to deal with resentments and character defects and how to live a day at a time.
I have felt this way about my marriage also. Once the drinking stops all the old things start to resurface. Wording things differently when confronting an issue has really helped us! Instead of “You to do this or i hate it when you do that…” Try “I feel really bothered by this and if these things were changed I would feel this…” Basically, we avoid saying the word “you” when confronting a problem. It helps to remove defensiveness and replace it with empathy for the other person. Resentment has been a huge issue in my marriage, and sharing feelings instead of pointing fingers has turned the resentment into compassion and understanding on both sides. It might feel like tiptoeing around the issue but once the defensiveness comes out… the listening tends to stop.
I wish you luck and hope you can find the happiness you are looking for!
I’m 5 days dry / sober as of today. I would rather be alone and just deal with the day / night than rather be around people once I’m home. I think the lack of booze, which has been my lifelong partner for the last 20+ years is making me irritable as shit. I can handle questions in small doses when it comes to family. The one thing that I have been doing that has helped me “cope” with people is smoking a little bit of pot. This too I need to stop as I do NOT want to always be “under the influence” of something other than my own sober thoughts. I’m picking up my kids today after work for the weekend. The first night is always tough for me… maybe because I don’t want to be bothered with responsibility or others for that matter. And yes, I too am sometimes a dick.
I think you need to ask yourself if
1.) Are you are happy with the current people in your life.
2.) If you could, would you want to be around someone else
3.) How long have you felt this way
4.) When are you the happiest when you are NOT drinking… meaning when you are alone is it less stressful?
Just some thoughts of mine. I hear where you’re coming from as well.
1)Am I happy with current people in my life?
Absolutely. I’m blessed enough to have very supportive friends and family. I have distanced myself from anyone that is manipulative and negative. As the saying goes…if you want to see who your friends are, get sober.
2)If you could, would you want to be around anyone else?
I choose to be around people that are sober because that is the path I am on.
3)How long have I felt this way?
Not really understanding this question
4)When am I happiest when not drinking?
At home alone or with my husband, when I’m spending quality time with my mother, when I’m at a meeting
I’m the duaghter of a alcoholic (my Father passed away at 10) and tbh, we can tell when you are drinking, and even if you are nice while you are drinking, it’s weird.
Basically, you probably have annoyed the shit out of your family with drinking. Ok. Sorry not sorry.
(Sorry if this is just a saying but even if it is, this still applies)
Also, I’m going to be a witch with a capital B, your wife does not make you drink. Period. I could say my Mom, my job, etc, drove me to drink. That is BS.
I would take the advice to spend a month or so focusing on yourself.
However, the answer is not to drink, because even if you think it makes you easier to be around, it probably doesn’t, it just feels that way for you.
Please dont take this the wrong way-- i have been there. But given the reasons you cited for wanting to get sober, it sounds like you are really lucky your wife hasn’t taken your kid and left. I don’t know your whole situation, but you have been numbing yourself with alcohol and now have to sit in your mess, annoying wife and all. You really ought to seek a program of recovery and cling to it with all you have. Put that first, and all else will fall into place.
@Jdubs
I am in the same boat, my husband annoys the shit out of me also, when we talk I stiffen up and do everything in my power not to throw stuff at him.
And I also drank just to numb out and have some semblance of connection and conversation with him, which worked… Furthermore the next few days after drinking I would be hung over and numb which allowed me to zone out even more.
Now I am (like yourself) contemplating this situation. I have come to some conclusions
it’s not my husbands fault I am feeling this way.
we are on 2 different wave lengths that make conversations difficult (in my case, my husband talks and I listen, no in between, if I talk he zones out and changes topic) which makes me feel unimportant.
we are very different and am I getting anything out of this relationship and can I do something different to make this relationship better.
Answer yes, be selfish and start communicating my frustrations and start doing things to make me feel bettet(exercise, eating healthy counselling etc)
That’s has far has I got…
Relationships are life lessons they are not Ment to be easy in the first place, and adding addiction even makes them makes them a tad more difficult. I believe that the relationship situation I am in now allows me to hold a mirror up to myself and ask questions on how can I make things better for myself and my family. What can I do to get happy again.
One more tid bit: a therapist gave me this analogy:
What would your 90 year old self say to you? And what would your inner child say too you now?
There is no blame to you or the people around you only solutions learning and loving… If you allow yourself.
Yes, I am also recovering alcoholic. Seeing what alcohol did to my Father and him denying he had a issue and blaming everyone else, I don’t want to repeat his legacy.
Because the fact of the matter is, when you are drinking you cannot be a good parent when you are a alcoholic.
And then there are people who drink/drank until they black out, like me and my Father, who hurt their families and then don’t remember it.
Honesty of your post made me laugh. I have been experiencing sim similar things. Except I knew that my drinking was just me hiding from the relationship problem. So a step towards fixing the problem for me is to end the relationship. Which is not easy but it has been a long time coming. I suggest that you do give it time, definitely tell her some of how your feeling trying to be gentle. Another question is does she know that you’re trying to quit?
. You’re feeling moody and impatient because you’re feeling your feelings without covering them up with alcohol. It will be a roller coast ride as you learn how to deal with these emotions sober. Get frustration out by going for walks or to the gym, watch what you’re eating to maintain a normal blood sugar level, and get on a regular sleep/wake schedule. Make sure to tell your wife that you’re feeling crabby and need some space, that it isn’t her fault, you just need time to get used to this new lifestyle with covering it up. Oh yeah, and…get your ass to an AA meeting so you can learn about how to deal with resentments and character defects and how to live a day at a time.