Right now, I have half a bottle of red, three quarters of a bottle of white, and four beers in the fridge. I don’t know how many times I have thrown away alcohol to stop myself from drinking or drunk all the alcohol in the house to stop myself from drinking.
This past year, I had the experience of quitting for 41 days. In that time, I felt more in control like I could decide the direction of my day, life. This experience shows me I can do it again, but it was really hard at times. My low self esteem fuels my drinking; stress locks me in a cycle; and the regrets from drinking before make it really difficult to stop. I just want to escape all of my bad decisions.
The main reasons I need to quit are financial and health reasons. My fiancé and I just moved into a more expensive apartment and I recently had an appointment with an eye doctor who said I had more floaters than most people of my age. I also experience memory lapses, hoarseness, stomach issues, fatigue and bruising— all sysmptoms that go away after a few weeks of not drinking.
I’ve been well aware that these problems could worsen and develop into a serious disease, if they haven’t already, but have kept drinking because it helped me forget all the damage I have done to my body.
At the end of this post now, I have intentional action to throw away my booze. I did this many times with cigarettes before finally giving up for good. I am committed to living a better life, the one that I have worked so hard for, and shedding influences like alcohol that only get in the way.
Day 1. I have decided and I am committed.
GROSS