Controversial and probably triggering sex addiction post

Life in Recovery
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I don’t think I believe in addiction anymore. As someone in recovery almost 2 years and having the most intelligent and insightful wife on the planet I’ve come to the conclusion that addiction is an excuse and 12 step programs just build a framework around justifications.

I gave my most sincere efforts, but spent 2 years completely unable to not find my wife correcting me on selfish, defensive, or manipulative behaviors, or trying to control the narrative. Mostly it came down to thinking I could explain and always wanting to explain. The excuses and justifications were always abusive.

In my 12 step group that I have in fact left awhile ago, people always said how there is no cure and they’ll always be an addict. Another bad belief and another justification. I recognize that I wanted it, and so I desired it.

My wife killed that completely. This is how I know it’s all false. She started texting other men and sending pictures to them. She showed me a glimpse. I’m going through a whole range of feeling all of the feelings she feels. Triggers, disregulation, insecurity, body dysmorphia, loss of sleep. And with all of it I only actually love her that much more seeing and feeling what I did to her.

I think I wasn’t able to empathize and care for her the way she needed because I never understood pain. I avoided it my whole life. I could think I could explain things to her or she would get over it and things would get better for her one day. I know now that those feelings never go away. She tried to tell me that but I didn’t believe her.

I tried to listen so many times, but I couldn’t comprehend until now.

There is no addiction. I was just unfeeling. She forced open my humanity. I know deep in my soul that I will only ever want her. I don’t want anything else. That was always the problem. I desired my wife before, I love her now. No further meetings necessary.

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@SassyRocks @moderators

I don’t mean to sound insensitive but this post is a bit off putting for people working in recovery. Perhaps you’ve discovered that maybe in your life you don’t have addiction and that’s great. But to say addiction doesn’t exist I don’t know maybe it was just the way it was written. It doesn’t change my perspective of my own life and I know I have a problem with addiction but to other folks early in their journey and looking for encouragement it could be pretty confusing for them.

I’m glad you’ve found stability in your life but I would ask if you could be careful in your word choices on here, this community is very important to many of us.

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It is how I was feeling and I was hoping for some honest feedback and discussion, but I get it. That’s why I put a warning on the title.

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I totally get that and like I said I’m not trying to stir the pot. I did see the title for sure but that doesn’t stop folks from reading especially if they’re new. Actually I find it probably makes people want to peek at it in spite of that, kind of like when someone tells you about an odd tasting food or smell that you want no part of…I know I’m the first person to take a sniff lol.

If you’re genuinely looking for input and feedback by all means this is a space for that. For me it’s not triggering to read because like I said I know addiction is a real thing for me and there’s a lot of science behind it. I also wanted to approach the conversation calmly as I know there are folks in the community that could read it and take it the wrong way and take the conversation south pretty quick.

I wish you the best with your journey, it sounds like maybe you’ve made some discoveries about yourself and your relationship which is a good thing.

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What I will say to the this is that recovery (which is real and can’t be disputed) is different for everyone. Maybe you didn’t suffer from addiction, that would only mean it’s not real for you.

I don’t have all the answers. I have 2,501 sober days stumbling through life with a sober mind (alcohol). At times my soberiety has been fragile, at times it’s been indestructible. What i do know is that I need to remain pliable and willing to adapt to what life is throwing at me. I need to understand that I’ll never have it all figured out.

What would you do if your wife left you? Would you still have the same mindset?

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I think you may be missing the point of what an addiction is, or at least what it is for behavorial addictions in particular. I subscribe to the idea that any compulsive behaviour that interferes with your life that you can’t prevent constitutes an addiction, but that does not mean it can be diagnosed that way.

You say you were unfeeling, why were you unfeeling? I would hazard a guess it is because you numbed your feelings through coping mechanisms… the most prominent being sex.

Now you are actually feeling again because you have removed the unhealthy coping mechanism. You start feeling and listening to those feelings and the drive to seek out the coping mechanism lessons. Suddenly it all feels like excuses, it isn’t so hard anymore.

Sounds to me like you just did what most therapists would work on you doing. It may help your wife ramped those feelings right up to give you a kick start, but it is still just breaking the cycle by attempting to address what is causing you pain in the first place.

Substance addictions are scientifically proven to be real. Behavioral addictions are less proven, but still real, however how they differ from substance addictions is still being figured out. Sex/porn addiction isn’t in the DSM 5 because it hasn’t been agreed to be a real thing despite so many people self diagnosing with it, myself included.

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Having relapsed on meth after 10 years of complete sobriety I can say that addiction is absolutely real and doesn’t go away. Within a few days I was already back to using the same doses I was 10+ years ago even though it was way too much and very uncomfortable.

I don’t know your situation but not everybody who goes to meetings is an addict. You may or may not be an addict. But if you aren’t, that doesn’t mean that addiction isn’t real. Or that even sex addiction isn’t real.

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I appreciate your post…

I looked at your post, based on the title, precisely because I also deal with harmful, unwanted, but compulsive sexual behavior.

I, personally, don’t care if it’s called an addiction, compulsion, habit, etc - mainly, I just care about quitting the behavior, because of the damage it has caused in my life and in the lives of others.

That’s why I think the key part of your post for me is:

“I think I wasn’t able to empathize and care for her the way she needed because I never understood pain.”

Your intense pain caused you to begin to finally see your wife’s pain; you began to empathize with her - and that was a strong enough motivation to get you to decide you’re done.

I know you can do it; and I’m rooting for you.

I will say, after I cheated on my wife with one of her (former) best friends (this following decades of similar behavior, as a single and married)…

My wife almost divorced me (I honestly don’t know why she didn’t). I felt the pain of that. It made me want to do better. But, you know what?

…I didn’t immediately do better. I tried… I really wanted to - but I didn’t do better; until I started a new routine for my life; a routine that helped me to find stability in my mind and heart.

I know our situations aren’t the same. I haven’t experienced my wife sending nude pics to a guy or cheating on me (I don’t think?) - honestly, if she did, I’d feel like I deserved it right now - but, in all cases, I am familiar with excruciating pain about the situation.

So really, I just want to say, I’m rooting for you. And, I hope that you will succeed at never acting out again…

But, if for some reason, you ever feel tempted - go ahead and check in with us. Tell us about it. And, get some advice or support before you act out…

Wishing you the best! :100:

EDIT: By the way, I don’t personally attend meetings (at least for now). But, I have developed a firm routine of giving and receiving support, with like-minded folks, who are also equally committed to living a life of sobriety - free from whatever harmful behavior they strive to conquer.

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