Thank you lovely,i hope your well. I do have people i can talk to friends and family but apart from this site ive no sober friends. I think what hurts apart from my brother is being made to feel like im not allowed to be upset by anything and like my feelings arent valid so i went from being upset to even more upset with added frustration and confusion by my mothers reaction…shes now not speaking to me. I think my mother blames me for the whole thing still x
That’s a great advice!
Came on here mainly to vent…so its 7 months now my brother still isnt speaking to me…starting look like it really is going to be for good now…ive heard bits and bobs about him and apparently he now refers to me as ‘her’ …he absolutely doesnt believe for a second that im 7 months sober and anyone who does is an idiot…i walked in my mothers house the other day n he was there…he literally turned his back on me and went upstairs…yes i told him some home truths when i was drinking and was pretty awful to him but to treat me 7 months on like im a piece of dirt? Ive forgiven this man for countless things over his lifetime, been there for him so many times it just hurts so bad and im honestly at a loss how to move forward and not to have this repeatedly hurt every time i see him or hear about him…
Its just hard…hes my younger brother 7 years between us its like ive spent my life looking out for him then the first time i have a problem he washes his hands of me completely…
I feel resentful, angry and hurt toward him and i dont want to feel this way but i just cant seem to feel better about it, i guess i have no choice really to keep doing what im doing, thank u for listening Kristy it means alot
The more time that passes the more i can feel the resentment growing…its one of the worst things anyone can do to me because ive already got abandonment issues since my dad left when i was a child with no explanation…i hate this feeling…its getting now where im having thoughts where i want him to try to mend things with me just so i can tell him where to then stick it
Yeah, easier said than done though isnt it
Hes my stepdads son we have different dads, my older brother and i were treat completely differently to him…he was spoilt, we got bare minimum yet hes the jealous , rebellious one…
How do i stop feeling like shit over it? Im such a sensitive little soul n its like a twist of the knife any time i think about it, im not the person i was when i was drinking…he knows this better than anyone…im not excusing myself at all but there were so many reasons why i started using drink as a crutch, my family werent there when i really needed them either. Its not going to affect my sobriety but thats why im here asking for help because i dont want this to drag me down xx
Sorry to hear about this it sucks when the ones you love want nothing to do with you. 7 months is a long time but to the ones we hurt can sometimes mean very little. Easier said than done but it’s best you just accept his feelings for now and just keep doing the right thing focusing on you. My mom didn’t talk to me for over a year, and I have a sponsor brother who it took 12 years for his daughter to start talking to him again but he never gave up. He just took the next indicated step and worked on himself. Some people never get people back this is a sad fact but we are powerless over people and their feelings. I just did everything I could to change and still doing these things with no expectations back. Expectations are premeditated resentments took awhile for me to understand that but it’s so true. Resentments take me to bad places. I hope you just stay the course those feelings you feel are ok to feel just don’t get to caught up in it. Hope you feel better
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. From what you’ve written, it sounds like your brother was pretty coddled his whole life and no one challenged him. I don’t know what you told him, but if drunk you was anything like drunk me, you’ve probably let out years of pent-up frustrations and anger and people usually hate hearing about their faults. Especially people that aren’t used to being criticized.
Hopefully he will one day forgive you and get over it. And I hope you can find peace within yourself during this difficult situation.
Couple things, your brother’s behavior seems a little irrational to me. I deal with estrangement in my family, my sister cut off my dad 19 years ago. My sister is a mess, insecure and fearful of everything. Is your brother like this? Is he looking for you to be a scapegoat for some of his shortcomings?
Lastly, I’ve seen shit turn around for people in recovery when the do the waltz with these situations like the did with alcohol. Waltz = Steps 1, 2, and 3. Basically, as hard as it would be to do, letting go of this to your higher power. Maybe pray or meditate that their suffering and pain would be comforted. Crazy, right? But in most situations like these, the person cutting other off irrationally is suffering a great deal and is trying to deflect it on to someone else.
I’m so grateful to be on this journey with you.
Scapegoat is absolutely true, but why does he need a scapegoat for his shortcomings i dont really understand that? Ive never felt the need for a scapegoat for mine ive always owned shit that i do? I guess im trying to figure out why from my own thought process and from me as a person but he must think alot differently…even when we were ok and speaking id hear things hed say about our kids for example…he was always saying that my mother favoured my little girl over over his which is simply not true…id never think of thinking thst way? Ironically my mother wasnt the greatest mother but is a fantastic grandmother to them all and treats them all the same…its a wierd dynamic. Im always grateful for you @LeeHawk my love to you
Thank you so much @Kristy4 @Jftself @Amy30
I so appreciate all your advice and support too, youve all given me alot to think about so im going to mull this over today then come up with a plan to move past this, i cant keep letting this affect me so much because i need to protect my sobriety above anyone and anything, my love to you guys im grateful for you
I love hearing about your mom and the relationships she is able to have now as a grandma. Parenting is so hard. I wish I had been able to be more present with my kiddos, but alcohol wouldn’t allow me that.
I do think how your brother is acting happens quite a bit in families. You likely won’t be able to understand his thinking, as you are in recovery and acting/thinking like a healthy sober person. Sorry you are going through this. And I hope your brother has some sort of a turnaround or spiritual awakening at some point.
Happy Wednesday, friend!
Thank you Lee, ive stopped being angry for now…i really dont like being angry its not me, im alot more serene today, i get frustrated that he cant see my worth…what matters is i do, i know my worth, im spending the day at my mothers today with my daughter and 2 neices…they mean the world to me and aslong as i have them in my life then im just grateful for that…if nothing else im grateful to him for that because if he wasnt around then id have never had 2 such amazing neices, the rest i cant control so for now il continue to work on myself and count my 3 most precious blessings…my daughter and neices
Bumping this thread to ask what you guys think of this or if i could word it better…my brother and i still havent spoken…he has 2 daughters my neices that im still very close to …i was thinking of sending him this text…
It’s been a while now I just wanted to make a suggestion that however we are with each other, we dont have to be in each others lives etc but we can speak and be civil infront of and where the kids are concerned so that it doesn’t affect them…
What you think?
I think it cannot hurt to ask. I also just read this piece and thought it might have some suggestions or insights you may find helpful. Good luck and keep us posted!!
How to Set Boundaries With a Difficult Family Member How to Set Boundaries With a Difficult Family Member - The New York Times
I think this is a very good idea! And it would help him to see how you’ve changed too. By simply communicating when it comes to kids. It’s a good place to start! I hope he agrees to this!
And as always, I’m sending you lots of love and hugs
I hope you’re having a good day Kelly
Thank you @SassyRocks and @Scorpn, ive sent it ive not had a reply yet, im at a point of acceptance with where he and i are, i dont hurt over it anymore…its something ive given over to my higher power to help me with while i continue to work on myself, ive always been of the opinion that family are family no matter what and you work things through not turn your back…thats how i operate but that isnt his way and i accept that but then for me ive gotta ask myself would i want him back in my life if it became possible under those sort of rules…all i really want right now is to be civil for my neices…at the moment we are strictly no speaking even if we see each other but id like it where if the children are there we can say hello or if say they are at mine i can take them home and not have to watch them in from a distance etc