Ya know, I started this sobriety kick to SAY I could commit to 30 days. A personal goal for myself to achieve. I quit drinking, smoking and taking any type of pills. I did it. The 30 days, I went out with friends and drank apple juice, I said no to people passing me a joint and never looked twice at a pill. I felt good, I accomplished something. And then the other day I took 2 hits from a joint. No harm, no foul right? But last night I drank, and I couldn’t stop, I made an awful choice that could ruin a relationship and I hate myself today.
This makes me realize that it wasn’t JUST the 30 days I needed to do, it’s stopping all together. I find that when I’m on the right path a do great, awesome things happen but when I make a bad choice everything falls apart and things have been so good. Now I sit here risking everything falling apart and that scares the life out of me.
I reset my countdown.
Here we go again. Back to day one.
It needed to happen. Remember the feeling. Everything we do is a life lesson if we allow it to be. You could wallow in pitty and then this experience is wasted. You could reflect and modify future goals then this experience is perfect. Don’t beat yourself up. You can’t change what happened yet you have full control of how you respond to it. You are not alone. Reaching out here is a very respectable thing. Be kind to yourself. I wish the very best for you.
Congrats on the 30! Rough watching yourself fall down like that though. This past couple years i did similar. I stopped for about 2-6 weeks here and there. Then started, but kept a tracker in how many days i drank, they slowly took over the calendar every time. And turned into more & more beverages each time. It sucks. But seeing that and realizing it is making a difference.
I was being sarcastic. It’s how I deflect when I feel this way. Relax.
Thanks I WAS very proud of myself but I just feel awful now. Watching my sobriety counter back at zero is actually pretty disheartening. At first this was just a simple goal I set for myself but after last night it screams that clearly I make bad choices when I drink and I’m gonna stick to just not doing anything. It’s not worth it.
Thank you. I really needed to hear this.
You are welcome. I really and truly understand.
Back to day 4 myself. Im right there with you. You arent alone in more ways than you realize.
The reality of my situation is I may loose everything, I may not. If I do loose everything and stay sober I have a chance to build again and keep it. Without sobriety Ill never hold onto anything I love, so Im asking my HP to help me work sobriety without expectations this time.
Thanks I needed to hear this and I think that’s why I posted this morning, I could talk to friends and family but no ones on this journey with me so I don’t believe they really understand the guilt I’m feeling.
Having no expectations? Can you explain? Maybe that’s why this hurts so bad. I wish you luck my friend. I truly do 
I truly wish you luck as well.
I have been through this before where I tried to get sober and win someones trust back. I failed miserably every time because I had expectations of gaining back the past. I am trying my best this time to work my sobriety with absolutely no expectations for my future or what may happen.
Currently my gf whom I love, was planning on starting a life together with told me not to call her “until I got my sh#t together” (along those lines), but that she wasnt breaking up with me. I tried calling twice since about a week ago and no answer.
I can NOT attach my sobriety to the outcome there. I made my choices in the past and I have to live with them, but I dont have to live IN them.
I believe nothing good will come my way if im drinking, whether it be the outcome I want, or an outcome I can not expect to see coming.
Not sure if that makes any sense lol. What do I know? Im like you my friend. Just sharing.
No I greatly appreciate this! Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad she didn’t break up with you but I understand now about the expectations. See when I started this and even hit my 30 days I didn’t tell anyone. I guess I have a past of being the one everyone parties with so I just kept it to myself unless I went to events with people and they realized i wasn’t drinking then I told them. I don’t know if I’m like ashamed to put it out there that I actually think I have a problem but then again when I quit I didn’t do it because I thought I had a problem but after last night I realized I do have a problem. A bad one so reset my tracker and here goes nothing. But I will admit, seeing my tracker go from 30+ days back to zero hurts ALOT.
Yes man. It hurts to see the number go back down. I had like 110 days at one point but doesnt hurt as badly as hurting yourself and people around you.
Personally I told the people that matter. I dont walk into parties and announce it, but the people close to me know.
One day at a time. It really is fun. Good job on having the guts to admit all of this, its not easy.
So glad you returned and reset your counter and it sounds like your mind as well. A tough learning experience, but here you are. Remembering the reality of drinking was a key moment for me…the fantasy of just a few drinks called to me for way too long. Grasping the truth of what drinking brought to my life, as it just has for you, was a big turning point. Bookmark this thread and read your post again next time you think, oh, just one won’t kill me.
That’s so true. Thanks! I appreciate it.