Went on another booze filled couple months before hitting yet another low point so now hungover as all hell I’m struggling with my emotions. My ex and I broke up but we are still living together… it works out for now and there is never any real problems unless I’m the one causing it with my drinking. Last night something triggered me to be verbally abusive as I was screaming and packing my stuff up to leave. I ended up also cutting myself before passing out. I forgot to mention I have self harm issues that flare up with I am blacked out and have no control. I don’t deal with my emotions very well needless to say. I am laying here feeling utter despair and depression because of my actions with drinking and putting my ex through hell when I loose myself in the drink 
she told me I cannot drink if I’m going to stay here which will be a serious struggle for me but one I have no choice in.
All of that sounds like a pretty good reason not to drink.
How far are you willing to go to stay sober?
I was willing to do anything, AA, IOP, and therapy ended up being the ladder that helped me climb out of my pit. Worked pretty good, still working 580+ days later.
You don’t have to subject yourself to any of that torment, you don’t have to drink anymore.
Peace be with you, no one gets sober cause they’re on a winning streak.
Are there any AA meetings in your area? There the only thing thats worked for me.
Im willing to go and surrender… alcohol will be the death of me if I don’t do something. I have been to aa before but never long enough to get a sponsor, I’m like afraid to make that step just because I’m so socially awkward and riddled with anxiety I feel very uncomfortable just being at a meeting for that reason.
Change happens when you step out of your comfort zone.
Comfort is the enemy of progress.
Doing all the same things as before will likely lead back to the place you are now.
It’s not so bad, we’re all a little crazy and none of us are saints man. Usually so much worse when you keep it all up in your head instead of speaking it out.
Anxiety related to going to AA and ‘sharing’ is really, really common. But do give it a go. The people there want to give you everything they can to keep you sober.
Hey man it’s my first day as well not drinking and I know how you feel I do the same thing when I drink I black out and I am mean to the people I love but we have to fight it man stay strong it’s super hard but you can do it !
We have to fight it indeed. Thank you all for your positive words. Thank you for giving me some strength when I’m feeling weak.
Try take it 24 hours at a time, it will always be that first drink that gets me lured in and the flood gates are opened up. Just have to find where your comfortable to express what really it is that’ afflicts you, then work over the problems and learn how to deal with the emotions that result in the actions we made or going to make. I have went to aa for years and never did it really work for me until recently found myself going back into the rooms and being honest to myself that the alcohol eventually will lead to my early demise unless I make a change and head in a positive direction. God has saved me truthfully from my downward spiral which I’m so grateful today I’ve found a new sense of freedom and relief from my inner demons. Hope you can find a solution for what you need to stay sober;) keep the faith and persevere my brother 
Make physical change. 100’s of times I told myself I was going to stop, never worked.
What worked was this:
I deleted/blocked so called friends who were nothing more than drinking/drug buddies. Made the commitment to myself I’d rather have no friends than shit friends.
Went to see my doctor who referred me to a recovery centre.
Went to recovery centre. Also went to AA a couple times.
I also started learning about mindfulness, the importance of being aware of our thought patterns. I started meditating, and reading on coginitive behavioural therapy.
My anxiety improved 100x, essentially have accepted it, and I dont fight it like I used to. My entire mindset has improved so much and my self esteem.
Most people abuse drink/drugs through unhappiness in their life, work on the root issues. Simply being sober is not enough and why so many revert back.
For me it was the mixture of wanting to change, and putting things into practice and making that effort.
AA is not for me, I’m not discounting it completely and saying I’ll never attend again, who knows, but I don’t believe it to be essential for anyone seeking sobreity. Essentially we all have the power ourselves to change our lives, AA kinda makes you feel that you don’t, and that you can’t achieve sobreity without it. I didn’t like this.
I think the AA position is just that it is safer for people to stick at it and keep coming, in fact so that you can see you do have the power within you to make the change. You may achieve sobriety and continue on the journey of recovery on your own, and no one stops you leaving, but more lives are saved by encouraging people to keep coming to meetings.
I got around 670 days sober through AA. Stick around and the uncomfortability will pass. Also you will get to learn about the program so you can understand what it’s all about unlike some people who go 3 times and think they have it all figured out. It’s actually a pretty simple program for fairly complicated people. Good luck. Hold on to this gift of desperation and it will take you far.