The last few months I’ve felt really alone and really defeated. I’ve lost hope and lost fight and given up the desire and drive to stay sober. My faith has taken a beating, my heart and soul have taken a beating, my emotions have been violent and self sabotaging. And my attitude followed. “I cant do it”. I’ve been trying to get sober sober for 2 years now which someone pointed out the other day. I have had little stretches of sticking it out, I think 6 ish months was the longest. But I always come back to it…came back…I always came back to it. But I dont want to do that anymore. I dont think I actually ever believed, even in 6 months, that I was ever going to stay clean. Theres always that voice that says, you’re going to stuff up eventually so you may as well just use now. But the thing is, while that may even potentially be true, I am better when I’m sober. I cling to Christ and I have peace when I’m clean. I invest time into the people I love when I’m clean. My body functions better and my emotions are still volatile and erratic, but other things arent suffering (like sleep and diet and exercise), so I can cope. Whatever sober time I manage to have is valuable regardless of if I relapse. The only time I feel as desperate and alone at the worst of it, is when I’m using. All my fears are confirmed in my highs. All my heartaches magnified by ten thousand, because no high will ever be as good as the first one. Ever. I isolate myself and push people away who care for me, including God who has always been there with a hand waiting. I’ve pushed it away 1000 times because, “I can do it on my own”.
I went to my first ever NA meeting last night. I’d like to say I left with warm fuzzies that said everything was gna be okay…but the reality is, I left more broken than when I arrived. I read the “Am I an Addict?” brochure, and while I guessed the answer before I read it…it literally broke my heart to answer yes after yes after yes as the questions went on. That’s part of it though isnt it? You arrive and think I’m not that bad, only to discover you’re just as bad, if not worse, even if it’s in different ways.
So…this will be my new daily check in. I am going to do whatever I can to avoid the next high, for as long as I can. And day by day just do the next right thing. I’m not going to focus on the what ifs and endless possibilities of this journey, just today. Right now. I realise I have no control in the part of me that is an addict. And if I give that part of me anything at all, it will continue to consume me, bit by bit, until there is nothing left.
I want to trust God to deliver me, I’m not sure how yet, like what that looks like, but He is God after all so I know He is able.
So, 1 day 12 hours 18 minutes clean and sober. I hope to see this number grow further than it ever has. Thank you for reading, and thank you for all your support on here. I hope to return the favour.
Keep at it sober soldiers,