Hi Swam, I just read through your whole thread. My DOC is also weed and I’m currently on day 6. I’m sorry to hear you are so depressed right now. I want you to know you have inspired me as I’ve read through everything and your vulnerability has been very impactful. You are not alone in this struggle I know all too well the feelings of being suicidal. Please reach out to anyone you can right now. I promise these feelings will go away despite how permanent it all feels right now. You seem like a beautiful, raw soul and I know you have a great purpose in life. This may feel hopeless right now but I promise you there is so much life has to offer you. Just try to take things one moment at a time. What is something that brings you comfort? A movie, music, prayer? Even just your favourite stuffy or a nice tea might bring you some comfort. Keep reaching out, and my messages are always open, even if you just need a good distraction. I will be thinking of you and I’m sending you so so much positivity. You can get through this. I believe in you. Take care of yourself you are so worthy.
Have you reached out to your sponsor?? That’s a good place to start.
Just be honest that you’re struggling & having suicidal thoughts. They’re supposed to be trained to help. Maybe call your sponsor?
All you have to say is I’m in crisis right now. Usually they will help guide the conversation. They are trained to help you gather your thoughts and give you some steps on what you can do. Please consider calling there’s no harm in giving it a try. You are not alone.
It’s 2am here and I need to get to sleep. Stay with us & don’t quit fighting. I believe it’ll get better. Just for today don’t hurt yourself and don’t use your DOC. ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Stacey, you ok?
You stopped communicating with us on here.
Please talk to someone, anyone. Someone is there to help, but you need to reach out and let them know you need help.
My understanding is that sometimes it takes a few goes to find the meds that work properly.
Have you spoken to a doctor.
Keep coming back here as well, we are concerned about you and miss you when you are not here.
Just for today right…
Just for today. One day at a time.
While I haven’t been to the point of planning it I have been down some dark roads in my own life, and imagined the “freedom” of just giving up. But it is a lie. It is our escape-artist brain playing tricks on us. It’s just saying, you can’t handle this without running away. You’re worthless. You might as well just give in & give up.
None of that is true though. Use your CBT strategies. Recognize & revise those irrational thoughts.
“I’m a failure” becomes “It sucks feeling down like I do right now, but all feelings pass and this one will too. I have a help line I can call and they’ll help me get through this.”
“Suicide would end all this” becomes “suicide is only one of many possible choices, and it is not a good one because it ends my chances to try and to learn and to grow - my basic human nature; I have other choices about what to do when I’m feeling depressed like this and I will call someone or reach out to explore them.”
I know it sucks what you’re feeling now. It really sucks. But suicide is not the answer. This is a moment of despair, but I swear to you - based on my personal experience - that if you reach out, call someone, care for yourself, and focus on simple ways to live your day, eventually this will pass and you will find your living, creative groove. It’s in your nature: you’re human, like the rest of us. Humans create and feel and build lives and worlds and often they don’t make sense. But they’re ours.
You’re a worthy, valuable person, and you matter. Stay with us. You make the world a richer place. You make my world richer. Keep checking in with us here - you are not alone 
Hi Stacey, thanks for getting back with us.
Sad to read the depression is striking so hard.
How is sobriety coming along? Are you still firm or is the depression taking its toll?
You say you’ve been depressed for months, I cannot tell you otherwise but if you trackback like 2 weeks of 3 weeks. You’ll read yourself in a much more happy kindest as your in now.
This to shall pass… It’s merely thought you do not have to act on it. We know you aspire to be the happy satvey we’ve seen on here.
Sweet Stacey! Keep checking in with us sweetheart.
I just pretend for people…like a monkey doing tricks. I’m just done pretending I’m okay. At this point literally I’m scared no one will look after my cat and shes so beautiful so at the moment I’m staying…for now. But no more tricks…
You have felt like this before haven’t you?
What got you out?
I’ve never been out just better at pretending I am.
People dont believe me they say, “but you’re so bubbly” “but your always smiling” “but you’re always laughing”…
I do these things so people dont see that I’m breathing steel wool…
Lord,
Please comfort and strengthen Stacey. Let her know how much she is loved by you and others. Help her to see the good in each day. she’s having a tough time right now. Please give her guidance and strength to make it through and overcome. May this struggle of hers be turned around for your glory so that she can then help others that are going through something similar.
Thank you, Lord. We pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.
I don’t have much to add because @Matt said it all here but I wanted to add that @Swam you are cared about and important to us! I hate to hear you are in so much pain and so miserable. I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and tell you it’s going to get better and be ok. I do know you don’t have to keep feeling like this - especially since you say you’ve been pretending everything is ok when it’s not. That’s no way to live. But you have to choose to fight for yourself. And I for one want you to make that choice!! Maybe you need new meds, a revisit with your doctors (if you have them) about how you’re feeling, a meeting where you decide to stop pretending because it’s not doing you any good. I don’t know the best answer for you. But I hope you choose to fight and stay with us. You’re important and worth fighting for!
Stacey, have a read of this love
Strength
We don’t always have to be strong to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally, we don’t want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to “fall apart” when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, God, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to “fall apart.”
@Swam in my city there is a weekly group for people living with mood disorders (including BPD). I attended a session in my early recovery, and although it turned out that it wasn’t a resource I needed on my particular journey, I still remember - years later - how warm and understanding all the participants were. I would say 1/2 or 2/3 were between the ages of 20-35, and there were participants who were older as well. We were free to share our stories or just listen. People were caring and empathetic. I felt much less alone after hearing about how people just like me were experiencing similar feelings.
It was a free group. We went out to McDonalds afterward. It was a great experience.
What about trying a group like that for yourself? They have them in New Zealand - there are contacts here to find groups in your area:
https://bipolarcaregivers.org/resources/organisations-and-websites-dealing-with-bipolar-disorder/new-zealand
I don’t know what to say
That was really beautiful, wasn’t it? True loving kindness right there. Such a blessing.
You are not alone. 
Well done on resisting the temptation, that takes a lot of effort.
My Mum said to me, you have to get rid of all your friends and associate that use in order to get sober. I can be lonely but you eventually can make new and more positive connections.