How ya doing girl? Did the craving pass? You’ve been really making great choices. And you feel good about them. Keep it up!
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How you doing Stacey? We’re all here for you. Stay strong! Hugs to you. 
Hi everyone,
I relapsed yesterday. I dont even know why. I think the emotions from the night before hit me harder than I anticipated. I just went and did it. Like there is no excuse. It was just like I was on auto pilot…telling myself no stop! You have almost o days! Stop dont do it!!! But I just like…floated above those thoughts and just went ahead and did it.
So i have to go back to day 1 AGAIN!!! How many times man…like do I even wanna be sober? Why cant I just listen to myself when I’m saying no! I feel trapped in this stupid body! Why do I keep doing this!!! I dont want to and I still do it!! Maybe I’m just not one of those people that can hash this. I’ve relapsed like 7 times since trying to get sober. Like dude. Either stop or stop saying you want to. Pick a side.
I don’t even know what to do today. Like I dont even know. I didn’t even wanna check in…its embarrassing as anything. But i decided to anyway for whatever reason.
So I reset from 6am…checking in at 4 hours 18 mins sober again…yay…
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I guess I get to try again…
Don’t guess this time. Just do it. Its fucking hard, really hard. I’ve read all your posts. You have all the tools necessary to stay sober. I believe that if you really want it you will be sober. Just love yourself enough to do it. I’m cheering for you. It’s all up to you though.
I dont even know what that looks like. Love myself. I cant do that. I’ve tried. My psychologist sits with me and asks me just to name nice things about myself and I burst out into tears. I dont know how. And if me actually doing this is dependent on that, frankly, I’m screwed…
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I’ve seen a lot of people say some pretty amazing things about you on this site. Maybe just listen a little more and not judge yourself so hard. I know that’s so much easier said than done, but if other people are seeing the good in you maybe you can see a little of that also.
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So many people have tried so hard to keep motivating me…I’m sorry if I’ve made those efforts feel like they aren’t valuable with my actions…if yal dont want to try help me anymore I would totally understand…I’ve just stepped all over that and that isnt cool. So I understand. Just saying I wouldn’t hold it against you.
A little spark can start a massive fire, you just have to allow it to grow.
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I struggle with finding the middle ground of things…and if I take what some people say I have to take what everyone says, and for most of my life I’ve been told that I am not worth anything. And the good I’ve heard over the last couple years doesnt even touch the scale. So I try not to take on board what people say, but the bad part is that means the good stuff too. If I just took the good people said and not the bad then I feel like I’m making a fake identity around that. If I take it all then 26 years of hearing mostly negative things doesnt outweigh 2 years of mostly positive things. If I decide by myself, my brain is too messy…and I’ve been told I have a side of my brain that mimics someone in my past that attacked and bullied me…but my own mind is my reality. I’ve not been able to get rid of that part. I have no idea what to do. This all just sounds like excuses I’m making for myself. I just shouldnt have done it but I did anyway. And in terms of character I feel like I am just shitty for that and all the negative ove heard is true. And I’ve just proved it to myself. Like maybe I’m just not cut out for this.
You are. Promise.
Stacey, you overthinking girl. And you should have reached out. It’s what this place is here for.
What you going to do to step up your game?
What you going to do next time that happens?
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I messaged a girl from NA and asked if I should maybe try find a sponsor…I dna how it works but I’ve seen people say it works for them…so maybe that will help. They said theres this step work you can work through. Maybe that could help.
Stacey, have you actually looked into what options there are around for you? This site is full of info about all sorts of meetings, what the 12 steps are, what a sponsor is. It’s all available on the web as well.
I’ve got some meetings I’ve been attending but between work I cant get to all of them. I’m gna try reshuffle things so I can attend more of them.
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You should definitely get a sponsor. I think it’s time to try something new. Then you will be accountable to a person within your reach. Someone that can be there physically when you get uncontrollable urges.
Try to open your mind to the positive things people say and block the negative. Look in the mirror and see that beautiful person looking back at you. Dig deep girl, the strength is there. Hugs to you.
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Im sorry to hear you relapsed. Im with you as well i relapsed 2 days ago. Try not to be hard on yourself. The clean days will start piling up again and when you start seeing all the progress you made, it will get easier to say no. I agree 100% with you, its a damn auto pilot. I dont even understand why. I use this expression to explain to family and significant people but they dont understand. Its like you said: do we really wanna stop or we just say we wanna stop and keep relapsing again 
its a very complicated issue and we are basically on our own. I ended up telling my parents today about it and they cried, they also dont believe in my words anymore. Yes we are almost screwed. But almost doesnt mean totally. We can still improve our lives on our own. Besides us addicts i think we are on our own. Hold your head up, go outside and see how the world can be nice. I did that today and felt happy again. Felt like i dont need this shit in my life. And you dont need to take anything people say, good or bad. You are what you think of you. Other peoples opinions dont define who you are. We are all here with you!
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Thank you heaps. I attended the meeting, I almost didnt. And I cried infront of everyonenitnwas so embarrassing. But I guess I just get on the horse and try again. I dont have any other option. Addiction will lead to me dying. And sometimes I have moments of not wanting to be here anymore, but it’s because I want to escape myself, not because I want to die. Hopefully working the steps will help me figure out who I am…I dna maybe even love myself oneday. That seems impossible but maybe. For now, I suppose its “Just For Today…”
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Oh dear precious girl…I’m so glad you checked in here and haven’t given up. You don’t fail until you give up trying. Please please don’t give up on yourself! You haven’t let us down at all. You are safe here!! I agree that getting a sponsor would be a great idea for you. Someone who can help you in real life and that can walk you through the steps. Going through those steps would really help you understand why you feel unworthy of loving yourself. You are so worth fighting for!! Fight for your sobriety & fight for yourself! I’m cheering you on & sending you a giant hug .