Daily Gratitude - Recovery from Porn Addiction


#22

Grateful for my good health, warm home, family and friends.


#23

I am grateful for

This forum and the great souls I’ve met
My best friend who’s always by my side no matter what I did or how I behave
My job (tho I hate it sometimes) bc it pays the bills
Sun, bc it was rarely around the last months
…more to come, but now I have to move my butt into the bathroom :grin:


#24

13 day clean. Feeling ok, but noticing some apathy in my resolve. Going to hit the gym tonight to help with that.

I spent the last 4 days traveling around the greater region where I live visiting friends and having quality time with my family. That’s why I’ve been a little out of touch.

  1. I am thankful that my college buddies are growing up but there is a bit of one-upsmanship that happens which can lead the group to get a bit out of hand. Its getting easier to be mindful without being teased for it. If I keep an even keel maybe l might help my old fri3nds through hard times they might have.
    2.I’m grateful for sledding. It was a riot seeing how brave my son was on the tubing hill. I made some wondeful memories with him this holiday weekend. Even though we were late, my credit card was declined because my bank deemed it suspicious activity, I had to walk back to the car to get cash, etc. If I’d been using I would’ve said something in anger and torpedoed the whole day. I was grumpy but I stuck with it and had some great fun.
    3.My father’s biopsy came back cancer free! A weight has been lifted off of his chest and, equally important, my mother’s chest as well. It’s been a hard few weeks for them and I’m glad my parents don’t have another battle ahead of them.

Positive experience: I passed a test of sorts. My addiction is porn and while my college friends were gathered, all of them wanted to go to the strip club. This is an annual trip we organize. Its seems to have evolved into a weekend away from the wives. I knew stripclub would be on the agenda and instead of falling in line with the herd I stayed back and went to bed early. If I’d have went, I’d have obsessed until I relapsed. Small test, but it felt like a good win.


#25

I’m 14.7 days clean at the moment. I caught myself leering at pictures on the internet. I really need to address my screen time. I know it’s really affecting my productivity and it’s keeping my DOC just a click away.
Positive experience: A lot of my addiction is wrapped up with my lack of self confidence. Porn offers approval in a strange and twisted way. Rather than face rejection (in any of its forms) I always had porn to kill the pain or to numb my discomfort. Also, capitalism expends a lot if energy trying to get us to believe we’re not complete without this or that. The economy depends on our perceived inadequacy. I spent a lot of time wishing I was taller, better looking, more muscular, had a bigger dick because Cosmo tells us ‘size does matter.’ I manifested all of those concerns into my reality. I wished I was anyone other than me.
I caught myself doing this last night while playing basketball. I’m not very talented at the game, just love the exercise. I’m 5’7", I never played basketball in highschool,I can barely jump over a shoebox but I can dribble and shoot well enough. So I’m playing with a guy who’s 6’3" and 200 lbs who obviously played organized ball. He can beat me in any way he chooses and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
As I left the court I found myself wishing I was him. I was thinking about how life would be better if I had his physical traits and ability. I thought that I could get any woman I wanted. I would be respected if I were like that.
Then my consciousness awoke and started to talk truth to my fragile ego. “First of all, there’s no sense in wishing to be anyone you’re not. Secondly, he has his own problems in life. He might trade everything he has for an opportunity at a life like the one you live. You are gifted in ways he never will be. If he’s more attractive to the opposite sex, don’t you think that presents it’s own challenges? Do you measure a man by the number of women he’s been with? Go home and hug yoir beautiful wife and stop whining. Play a game with your son and get your mind off of this pointless line of thinking.”


#26

15.7 days clean. I’m jonesing pretty bad for an escape. I found my heart racing when I saw a link to a racy story on the internet. My mind desperately wanted me to click on it. I’m feeling low, and in a funk. Regardless of this, I’m not going to allow my mind to run the show. I will not use porn today.
I’m going to do my best to manage my time more wisely at work. I screen surf too much and then I wonder why I’m experiencing the strong pull to use. I need to enagage myself regardless of how tedious the work might be. I’m getting paid well and I’m financially supporting my family better than I could’ve hoped for just 18 months ago. I must not take it for grantite even if it isn’t the most glamorous and fulfilling career in the world.

Digging deep for some gratitude today:

  1. I’m thankful for beauty and quiet that a snowy morning brings. Everything seems clean and new. The freshness of the air is invigorating and it makes my coffee even more enjoyable.

  2. I’m grateful for the place I call home. It’s a great small community and I see a lot of smiling faces when I go anywhere. They greet me by name and my son knows them. He’s surrounded by a village, not by strangers.

  3. I was a bit on edge last night so I decided to take 25 minutes to do a guided meditation focused on healing. The person speaking guided me through a scan of my body and to find any area is resistance or discomfort. At first I focused on the sore muscles I had from lifting weights. As I went deeper I felt this indescribable resistance from my mind. As though my mind wasn’t working for me but for the it’s own devices. Not a moment later the speaker told me to use my breath to, “fill that which is empty and empty that which is full.” At that moment it clicked, “My heart is empty, and my mind is full.” My mind is full of past emotional pain, worries, anxiety for an uncertain future, the craving for my DOC, etc, etc, etc. My heart is empty because of my addiction and I keep it buried because I’m afraid of being vulnerable to pain if I allow myself to love. Isolation equates to no pain in my mind. My consciousness realizes that those statements are false. By using I subject myself to the pain of loneliness and I subject my loved ones to a cold, selfish, unsympathetic addict.
    After this realization the guide reminded me that expanding our hearts to love unconditionally does not make us weak or vulnerable. It strengthens us. It builds our network of support an shines light during dark times.
    At this moment, expanding my heart seems scary as strange as I it sounds. But if I just expand it a little more, day by day, I might get back to a place where I have enough in my heart that I can be of service to others.


#27

Thought I would revive this thread rather than start a new one. General things I’m grateful for:

  1. I count my blessings every day (well, most days, ha) to be in a relationship that has challenged me but ultimately strengthened me. I recognise the support I get from it and hope I give it back.

  2. I am grateful for my dog who would happily play fetch all day long but seems to know just when a fluffy cuddle is needed.

  3. I love the area I live in. It’s quiet and I don’t have many friends here but I can walk where I need to, the countryside is on the doorstep for good walks and three cities are easily accessible to find interesting things to see and do.


#28

The main thing I’m grateful for today is the power of positive feedback.

My partner is a teacher and it was the last day at school today. He got loads of gifts which he isn’t exactly comfortable with, but that seems to be the way things are. Anyway, he got some cards from the kids and some of them had notes from the parents too. A few of them in particular were lovely, there’s something really special about a personal, handwritten note. To see what a difference he had made to the experience of a couple of the children was so nice, bordering on emotional.

I’m grateful that those parents took a few minutes out of their day to write those notes, because it helped him see how his hard work pays off. It also reminds me to tell people when I appreciate them because those simple things can mean such a lot.


#29

Coming off a long bout of relapse. I’m almost 13 days clean and the cravings are pretty bad today. Work is super stressful as I’ve taken on extra duties from colleagues while they recover from surgery.

But here I am feeling sorry for myself while I should be finding things to be grateful for.

So here it goes:

I’m thankful for my problem solving and conflict resolution capabilities. My job would be a lot tougher if I hadn’t developed those skills somewhere along the line.

My family will soon be closing on a house. Finances are always incredibly anxiety inducing for me. However, I have to be thankful for the community of people who informed us that the owner was looking to sell. They were aware that we were looking for a home and actually wanted us as their neighbors. That is a very welcoming feeling.

Finally, it is looking like pretty certain that this home and property will indeed be ours. I never imagined I would have nearly 19 acres of real estate to look after. The excitement for the future and the possibilities it may bring is a sensation I haven’t felt since I left college over a decade ago. It feels like a new beginning to some degree and I hope the projects that go along with home ownership and my desires for sustainable living will keep me so occupied I won’t have many opportunities to be bored.


#30

Welcome back! So glad you’re here and 13 days sober. Congratulations on the house and property how exciting!!! Finances are always stressful and anxiety inducing, but everything always has a way of working out.


#31

I need to admit something. I made the choice to relapse after 15 days. And then again a couple of days later. Porn addiction is difficult because of its secrecy. No one knows you’re doing it, who can it hurt?

It hurts my wife when I react with an irritated tone for a simple misunderstanding. It drives a wedge between my family and me. It hurts my son when I lack patience because my mind is on some porn fantasy and not in the moment.

I did have a clean day today. So that’s something.

I know I need to get back to a routine that leads to success with sobriety. I’m going to re-read Breaking the Cycle again and work toward creating that routine again. With a few tweaks, of course. Knowing the path is a good think. Following is the hard part .

I said a good prayer with my son last night at bed time. It felt like there was some clarity for minute and a higher power was present.


#32

30 days!


#33

SweetTea, that is a great milestone. I hope you’re still going strong. I’m 11 days clean and it’s crawling by. I need to keep myself busy with the things I’m procrastinating about getting done.

I figured I would focus on my gratitude for the day to combat the cravings and reminiscing d myself of all the wonderful things I stand to lose if I fall into the porn/masturbate/shame/irritability spiral once again.

  1. I am officially a homeowner! It still feels surreal and at the same time overwhelming. I am starting to realize that there will always be something to keep me busy. I need that in my life. I will be able to funnel my energy and time into projects that will benefit my family and I. Also, moving is stressful and I am glad my wife, my friends, and my family were nearby to offer support.

  2. We are moving from a 1100 square foot house with a garage to a 950 square foot house with no garage. I feel like I am drowning in stuff. So we get to downsize and part ways with the material items that no longer serve us. It will be freeing to let go of the items that need to go.

  3. I have a health and wellness challenge coming up with a lot of community members. It is focused on achieving simple daily tasks that promote healthier habits. I know that I use sugar way too much to give my brain the dopamine it craves. This will be a good exercise in impulse control and determination. It starts on October 1 and my wife and I will be entering the challenge together. I avoid using her as an accountability partner with my porn addiction but I am looking forward to facing this with her. I’m hoping we learn some ways to introduce yummy healthy food into our daily routines.

My son is in swimming lessons and he is loving it. He always comes home so proud and excited to tell me the things he’s done at class. It is special to watch him develop into a very active 3 year old with a great command of language. He’s only 3.5 and people ask of he’s in kindergarten because of the way he communicates. I want him to see and mimic a father that is clean and treats his mother in a loving and respectful way.


#34

You have a solid gratitude list! I’m on day 56. I’m cranky today. Only things I’ve noticed and consciously felt thankful for today was a nice breeze and watching and listening to redbirds. Tired. Gonna take a nap and then I can be thankful for that too heh
My son used to swim year round. He’s now diving. Diving is a whole new world. You’ve got what it takes to be a healthy role model. Not a perfect one, but a clean and healthy one.


#35

Awesome Sweets! Almost 60 days! One day at a time. That’s 2 things to be grateful for. I bet you can think of one more. Or maybe a positive experience from the past couple of days where you felt like sobriety was helping you see through the fog we are normally in when we self-medicate?


#36

I cooked dinner Monday night. Didn’t have to do it. Sober me cooked, and felt good about it. When I was drinking a lot, I rarely really cooked. I enjoy it, so it’s nice to get back into it.
I’m thankful for the stillness of early mornings. I’m thankful for being able to read and learn.


#37

I’m doing a good job of using portion control when I eat. Day 6


#38

I’m struggling to be grateful today but there are some things I can muster some gratitude for.

My brother is visiting. That is good, my son and I are having dinner with him and my parents tonight.

I’m 14 days clean. I’m sober today. I’m going to remain sober for the rest of the day.

I am going to get to work on some projects around my new home tomorrow. I’m hopeful that my 3 year old will allow me to get something done.


#39

I’ve been up since 6:00am. Cuddled in bed with my little boys who crawled in with us. Took them outside to plant flower bulbs. Fixed breakfast. Folded laundry. Getting ready to go to the local Greek festival.

In the old days? I’d still be sleeping off my hangover…


#40

I’m 18 days clean, that feels good. It’s been a while since I have had this much sober time under my belt. Thankfully, I have been able to overcome the urges and to continue to remind myself of the horrible place my mind goes to when I’m in the thralls ot addictive behavior.

So, here’s the things I am grateful for today:

  1. I own a home! I have a shelter over my family’s heads and 19 acres with tons to possibilities for development. The little projects that go along with home ownership have helped me to stay on task. Unscheduled alone time is dangerous for me, it’s when my addict mind is most active and I now have a lot of projects that require my mind to be used in the sense that it was intended. My mind is a tool to solve problems and I am working on turning it on when I need it and turning it off when I don’t. I am not my mind. When I sit idly my mind will go to work finding problems regardless of there is even a solution to those problems.

  2. I am now in a health challenge with a large group of members from my community. It started yesterday and goes for 8 weeks. It gives points based upon performance and I am competitive by nature. So far, I like the format and the way it connects the group members together with camaraderie and encouragement. The real life support from many members of my small community feels nice. I think part of American society tells young men that they should be fiercely independent and that we need help because we are weak. I say baloney to that. I will venture further afield if I know I have a group to support me during the times when I stumble.

3)I am ok. I’m irritable and I’m struggling to keep my brain from dwelling on dark thoughts. Mostly, those thoughts revolve around my relationship with my wife. I feel that she hides the truth from me. I feel like she has issues when it comes to sex and love. However, I am trying to address this with compassion rather than judgment. I know she had a tougher upbringing than most of us can imagine. This included physical, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of the very people that should have been caring for her. I’m sure there are all sorts of ways those traumas manifest in her life. I have implored her to seek help but she has her reasons why she doesn’t want to at this point. I’m not going to tolerate the behavior I’ve seen her engaging in but I am also learning that I will be ok if I have to walk away. I will always love her, nothing can change that. But I’ll be ok if we aren’t together.


#41

I’m 25 days clean. Feeling pretty good today but the rainy weather has been rough on my lately. I have to acknowledge the effect that sunshine has on my life. I miss it when we’ve had a couple of weeks of cold dreary days.
So, with the rant out of the way, here some things I feel grateful for:

  1. I’m thankful for the gym I attend and the people I have keeping me accountable for my health. If make healthy choices I feel better. When I feel good I’m less likely to choose to use.
  2. I’m lucky to have a woodstove in my home to keep my family and I warm. My new house is beginning to feel like a home day by day with each little piece of progress.
  3. It’s been a long time since I’ve strung together this much time without porn. I’m proud and thankful for the help you all provide.