Dating During Recovery

I met my girlfriend 20 years ago when we were kids, and then we actually got together this August. I’m in recovery, with almost 90 days, and she’s only recently decided to quit drinking, and has gone back and forth a bit. Two weeks ago, she committed (on her own, not through any ultimatum) to a life without alcohol (she had begun the fight about 6 months ago, before we reunited).
I was hesitant to enter a relationship with someone in recovery, but we have something very soecial, and we’ve discovered a deep, great Love in eachother. Both of us are committed and being open/honest at this point, and I trust us both, but alcohol can change things so quickly. I’m reaching out to the group for any advice to safegaurd our Love, and keep us actively focused on sobriety without making it the center of our relationship.
I Love her so much, and I believe in our love, help me help us keep it safe?

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Idk. Maybe try a.a something you guys can do together and learn how to handle feelings through steps. Just do things together, walks, hikes, nice dinners, take time to really learn about each other. Take turns doing something that each maybe isn’t interested in. Also know that as quickly as things can change with alcohol they can change with sobriety too. Feelings change regardless sometimes. So always just try to keep your sobriety safe, it’s definitely cool you both are wanting it together. Just keep loving each other and realize each is going to be going through their own lil phases through this journey, so hopefully both can stay understanding and comforting to each other. And just remember of there is lil fights or disagreement drinking won’t solve any of it. Walk away from each other for a lil and give space, but don’t drink over it. Best of luck

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I think you’ll find the general consensus is that romantic relationships shouldn’t be pursued within the first year of recovery.

Its like asking, how do I safely jump 15 school busses when I don’t know how to ride a motorcycle? The answer is, you don’t, you need to learn how to master the bike before you attempt a jump like that.

You really should focus on your recovery first and foremost. As they say, whatever you put before your recovery, you will lose. Not sure I have any advice you want to hear, other than wait for when the time is right.

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Keep her close. Keep your personal sobriety closer. Do this and I see no reason to project a problem that does not exist(only in your mind). Live your present life. Your actions reveal your strength. If she weakens your strength I would think heavily on how much you mean to yourself and decide if this love is right for you. If yalls love runs as deeply and truly as you say, which I believe, she will not leave. She will too find strength as well. You both need to stand tall on your own and can’t pass the weight of sobriety on each other. This is only my opinion. I have not found myself in such a circumstance but I know the power of love and everyone’s innate desire to maintain it. That’s why I suggest safeguarding yourself. This would not be a selfish act it would your willpower.

Stay strong through your endeavors :v:t5:

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Thanks everyone! Dan: my general advice to people would probably sound like yours, and I love the Evil Kenevil metaphor :smiley: I appreciate your words, and I’m not saying “I hear you, but I’m going to ignore your advice.” Well, maybe a little :confused: :wink: I had major concerns about this at the beginning, and was very conflicted, but I think there’s enough to outweigh my fear, and focus on how to strengthen the choice that we’ve made to be together (I’ve jumped a few cliffs in my day :wink: )
We’ve known each other for so long, and been great friends through the years, with deep trust. Our families are close, and each fam wants us to succeed in sobriety. My hope is that we have enough to give us a foundation. I do believe in each of our commitments to sobriety, as well as our friendship, and our Love. My hope isn’t to find validation in my choice, or to some how justify it (I know I’m walking into potential danger), but rather to get some tools, insight, and hope from anyone who’s been successful in any similar situation.
I appreciate all the words of support, and the advice regarding boundaries around our individual sobriety. We’re also focusing on our friendship as well, including walks, hikes, lunches, and a lot of bonfires and cozy indoor fireside chats.
Does anyone know of any resources about loving addicts that have impacted them? I know there is a ton of info out there, and only a google search away, but if there is something that worked in someone’s life, I’d appreciate hearing about it.
Thakn you all for your support, and I’ll keep you all posted- maybe she’ll post on here some day :slight_smile:

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I would like to suggest this: attend AA meetings (different groups) and Al-anon meetings (different groups.
Don’t attempt to be in the same groups as you will have a tendency to withhold things if you do.
I personally do not believe in the no dating during the first year of recovery. We still have to live our lives.
Just think “recovery” in all of your actions!
Worked for me.

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