Background: I’m Irish (born, raised, live in Ireland) and drink is a massive part of our culture. It’s difficult to go anywhere/do anything without being surrounded by drink or it being suggested to go for a quick one, which leads into so much more.
I’m considering dating again, I’m only 8½ days into sobriety & still feeling a bit fragile (I was attempting to date before I decided to quit drinking) anyways I know I should probably wait a while longer before I do. And I know if I met a man & me not drinking was an issue for him then clearly he’s not the man for me but I’m just struggling with how to navigate dating & not drinking, telling them I’m sober, telling them I’m an alcoholic (words I’ve yet to say aloud to anyone)
Any/All advice, suggestions, stories welcome.
I wouldn’t date in early sobriety, the first few months is an emotional turmoil, you don’t need social situations or a heartbreak that are pressing you into drinking. Also: there is a reason you drank and you have to process that sober. Till you haven’t sorted that out you probably cannot connect to anyone else in a healthy way. You need peace and calmness in your life to deal with the things you were escaping from.
Hi Lisa, good question! This is very common in early sobriety especially. There are many threads on it; if you search the word “dating” or similar words above you’ll find some - here’s one:
There’s a link to another one in there too.
In early sobriety you’re working on your most important relationship: your relationship with yourself.
You need to get to know her, clearly, fully, deeply. You need to see her pleasures and fears, her hopes and dreams, her daily rhythms of mind and mood. She is a complex web of thoughts and feelings, and it will take time to get to know her.
Our addictions were about numbness and escape; avoidance; running. Something about our lives or experiences got us running to the numbness of addictions and in sobriety we’re just waking up. It takes time to learn who we are, clear, steady, sober.
If you invest time now is developing your relationship with yourself, it will make any future relationships much stronger, because you’ll know who you are and where you stand. The things you learn in recovery groups like AA or SMART help you do that. I myself joined group therapy for my ADHD (which wasn’t specifically about recovery but helped me understand my mental health). I also took time to make friends, take walks by the river with groups of friends, visit friends’ dogs etc etc. All of these things helped me get a sense of myself and who I am in the world, sober.
Take care Lisa, and always remember: you’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.
@Tomek thank you for your advice, everything you said rings true to me. After my divorce I didn’t dare date anyone for 2½ years because I wanted to get to know myself, incidentally this is when I started socially drinking with the new friends I made, it was only twice a month and wasn’t any kind of problem back them. I need to invest time into myself again as a sober, single person.
@Matt thank you, I haven’t joined AA or SMART yet but I think I need to. I’m feeling so much love & support from everyone on here & it’s greatly appreciated. Maybe I’m just looking for something to fill the alcohol void by considering dating. I know there’s no rush but as I had been trying to meet someone in the before times I thought I’d just continue on but being sober now changes all that & how I would approach dating.
Hey Lisa!! Love how active you are on here! To your question…for myself, I am married, so a different situation (my husband still drinks!)…however…for me the key important thing in early sobriety, much like you said after your divorce, was to keep my focus 100% on my sobriety…on babying it…on finding what worked for me…on really being present in each moment with myself. Dating would be a HUGE distraction. I know I was by myself in my bedroom a lot in early days just reading here or reading sobriety books /recovery stories, taking baths, journaling. I was very wrapped up in taking care of me myself and I. And I feel like it is the same regarding dating in early sobriety. It would take your focus away from sobriety and frankly, we need our focus so deeply at the beginning. Idk, like I said, I am married, but for me…I needed desperately to concentrate fully on me and my sobriety to set myself up for success.
Meeting someone who drinks would be a huge worry for me, I suppose if that’s a worry then I shouldn’t even be considering dating. Maybe the time is right whenever other people’s drinking habits aren’t my problem.
Oh man, don’t do it. You are going to be going through A LOT of changes. Concentrate on you. Love will show up when you’re at your healthy, clear self.
Thank you, I suppose I’m feeling a bit lost at the minute & don’t really have anywhere to turn in real life.
On here I’m trying to spend as much time reading other people’s stories, advice, suggestions. Just trying to find what might help.
Just that you said about dating being a huge distraction, I was thinking earlier that I might not be feeling so lonely, emotional, lost if I was in work today which also distracts me.
I tell people I enjoy my own company but that’s a lie, well not a complete lie, when I’m having “me time” I drink. I need to readjust what “me time” means.
Also, I just want to say well done & fair play to you spending that time on yourself while in a relationship & also to your husband for being selfless & supportng you. Any time I’ve broached the subject with guys or friends there’s always been debates on why it was needed. Then we’d drink.
Definitely taking that idea off the table for now lol. I thought it was a bad idea which is why I posted but the reason I was considering it was I had been going on dates before I stopped drinking so what’s the harm in continuing.
Well, my husband wasn’t particularly supportive in the early days, no, not at all actually. But he didn’t really get what was needed for me and it is always a huge change for everyone involved. It has taken a LOT of time and pain to get thru together. It isn’t ideal sleeping next to a passed out smelly drunk person, or listening to them get angry over something trivial…but that is reality. We are all at where we are at. Even just yesterday at the grocery he was going to pick up a little bottle of wine for cooking and I had to say no way is that wine welcome in our house.
Finding new ways to enjoy your me time is definitely part of sobriety and recovery. Taking a walk? A bath? A new hobby? A meeting? Baking? Finding what feeds your soul in a healthy positive way or simply what distracts and engages you in a healthy way is so important. For lots of folks attending meetings and making sober friends and connections is really beneficial. I am way too much of an introvert for that and way too self conscious, so that never felt comfortable for me, but we each need to find what works for us, so don’t rule anything out.
Actually, I wasnt thinking of dating this early in sobriety and as the others above its maybe better to concentrate on yourself first. Interesting, that you noticed that your drinking got worse or started when you where single.
Also, there are plenty other options to have a first date that don’t involve drinking. Taking a walk, go climbing, have a coffee, museum.
Yes, it began when I became single, mostly because my ex didn’t drink much & it wasn’t part of our lifestyle. When he moved out I was being invited out with friends, finally!!! (We had a small child & I went out whenever he visited his dad which was every second weekend) my drinking didn’t get out of control until my dad passed away which is ironic because he was an alcoholic too & I promised myself from an early age I wouldn’t end up like him. I’m am nowhere near he was but I could see it coming which is why I needed to stop & need to stay stopped.
I met my wife a month into my sobriety. We instantly connected. My mind was made up as far as never drinking again. After my previous failed marriage, I knew right away that alcoholism (and cocaine usage) was the root cause of all my problems.
My wife and I have had our ups and downs but I am madly in love with her. She genuinely loves me as well. That sort of love is very hard to find. If you’re going to date, be honest. That’s my advice to you. Everyone who posted here is right to a point. I managed to find myself, focus on my sobriety and be a wonderful friend and partner to my wife who is now, the center of my Universe. As I better myself, it benefits her tremendously and she knows that ^.^
if you spend some precious months working on yourself and putting dating on the back burner, your next relationship will be extraordinarily great bc you’re bringing your best self to the table. right now you’re figuring things out and it’s not fair to the other person to be strung along for the ebbs and flows of you managing sobriety right now. in my opinion.
my boyfriend ‘completed’ intense 2 year therapy before he started dating (me) and were so thankful that we had the foundation of working on ourselves before dating.
Hi Lisa, maybe wait a little longer? Just to get to know yourself again. I think dating can be a distraction just like drinking. In the beginning of sobriety it’s really beneficial to get to know yourself again, find the reasons you drank so much. Then you’ll be able to offer your best self, and in return you will expect that from your partner, and the quality of your relationship will be much better.
etc etc. All of these things helped me get a sense of myself and who I am in the world, sober.
