Dating1234567

So I’m only 15 days in. I’ve been on two dates with very nice guys and I felt more joyful and happy being so clear headed. I tell them I don’t drink because it makes me feel sick, but I leave the heavily loaded word “alcoholic” out of the deal. Unfortunately, I get ghosted both times. I think there’s something about being a sober person that scares people. I realize now I come as damaged goods, even though I feel so much healthier. Any advice or whatever would help. This kinda sucks and I wasn’t expecting it. We as sobers are now an “other” or outcasts in a culture that glamorizes alcohol especially when it comes to socializing and dating. Thanks for listening…

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Welcome Kay! I am not in a dating stage of my life myself - I am married - but there are many people here who have been through all those ups and downs and I’m sure you’ll find some as you search around. It is tough entering sobriety; we’re making a deep change in life and that affects everything, including relationships. As the old saying goes, it’s simple, but not easy.

Can I ask - have you considered just enjoying some single time? Self care, baths, reading, cooking, hiking, volunteering, whatever you like, taking it in on your own and savouring the experiences sober. Not giving up dating altogether, obviously, but just putting it on the back burner for a bit, and experiencing yourself sober.

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Imagine how hard it would be for me, a sex addict in a society that glamorizes sex. :grin:

Seriously though, I agree with @Matt. Learn to love yourself. You don’t need a guy to validate you. You are a valuable human being worth investing in. So invest in yourself and solidify your new relationship with alcohol.

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Welcome to this great forum and congrats on 15 days. You don’t need a man in your life now. Take this time to focus on yourself and your sobriety. I think it’s normal to wait a year before getting into a relationship. I’ve seen a few threads about this on here. You can find them by using the magnify glass at the top to search. Best of luck.

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I do not feel like an outcast anymore. I did when I was insecure in the beginning of my sobriaty.
Now I have more sober days I’m very proud I have overcome my addiction so far.
Sober people are not seen as outcast. There are more people who are not drinking at all in life without having a alcohol problem. But I think “we alcoholics” only focus at the people who are drinking instead of those who don’t. At least I did!
And sure, most of the people are drinking and our addicted brain would love to be part of that group in the beginning of our sobriaty.
Being sober scares the drinking people sometimes because it makes them think about their own drinking behaviour I think. That can be confronting.
For the dating I think I’m with the others. Focus on you now! You need all your power and selfcare to stay sober :heart:

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I also think ghosting is a weird phenomenon of modern dating. My single friend who drinks appropriately often gets ghosted, esp. by people she meets on apps.

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Yeah, it’s strange. I find dating triggering for that reason. I even had a friend say he had the ‘perfect’ guy for me, but the dude wasn’t interested in anyone that didn’t drink. Really? Like WTF??? Nowadays the ghosting seems to be the norm, drinking or not.

I took a break from it, and now I’m really happy that I have. Although I’m not looking, the men who have shown interest in me know that I don’t drink, and really respect it.

I’m not going to tell you whether or not dating this early is a good or bad idea. However, if it’s going to make you feel some kind of way, just assess that :slightly_smiling_face:
Congrats on your sobriety!!

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Take time… I waited for around 100 days to date and still… I got me near a relapse.

Date yourself for a while :heart:

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It was suggested to me to wait a year until I started dating. The first year of sobriety my emotions were all over the place. One minute I wanted to run a marathon the next stay in bed for a month or quit my job and travel to find myself. It really did take about a year and done change to settle in. As for dating I have been on a few dates and it does get better. I am more open to healthier relationships and know more of what I want. I’m less willing to settle. Good luck on your path. Congrats on your sobriety.

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Welcome to the forum! As others have mentioned, there are a lot of topics on this subject that you can search for.

As others have suggested, not dating in early sobriety is generally recommended. I was wildly emotionally erratic and sensitive as my brain chemistry was working itself out. I found that sobriety brought me higher self esteem, and with that, a totally different perspective on what I look for in a partner.

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Hi everyone. That was my instinct as well - take a break and not attempt to try to meet people while in this sensitive period. I appreciate the kind words and stories shared. I deleted the app and am going to focus on strengthening my existing friendships. I’m impressed by the articulate and sincere responses on this forum and will pay it forward. Thanks again. :slight_smile:

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How is having the self-discipline to keep sober damage or defect?

I don’t feel inferior to anyone. I don’t feel like there’s something wrong with me.

It’s not weakness that keeps me sober, it’s strength.

My mind is like a razor, a loaded steel trap. My body a finely tuned machine, ready for me to test its limits. My emotions, real, honest, stable.

I am better now than ever was while drinking, and I keep getting better at getting better each and every day.

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